A New Place Of Exile

Richard Hutton

Category: The Right-Minded View

The Right-Minded View: Tony Blair dispenses wisdom to the grateful tribes-people of Remainia.

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And Lo, Moses came down from Mount Sinai, slightly the worse for wear; clutching several stone tablets, engraved with Divine Inspiration. The tribes-people gathered in hushed awe – awaiting their commandments.

“Behold,” Moses began; “all ye need know on earth is this: Tony Blair won three elections”.

The crowd gasped, unanimously. “Tony Blair won three elections?” asked a lowly tribesman. “Can it be true?”. “That’s correct” replied Moses, with a sweep of his arm. “Tony Blair won three elections – therefore he is omniscient”.

Hearing this, Tony Blair modestly clambered atop an austere rock; with a look of benign magnanimity upon his noble brow. The tribesfolk put their newly-minted golden calf aside, and beheld this new idol with reverence. “Ask me anything” Tony Blair declared “and I will answer truthfully”.

“What’s two plus two?” shouted a rambunctious millennial; with a look of Trotsky Entryism about their demeanor. “Why, the answer is five” Tony Blair replied – gracefully blowing dust off his finger nails as he did so. The crowd burst into applause. “Next question, please” Tony Blair demurred.

“Wait a minute,” interpolated an elderly fellow at the back of the crowd, “that’s not true”. “Of course it’s true!” snapped Moses. “Tony Blair says it’s true, and he won three elections! It is therefore irrefutable”. “Yes, but, no…” the old man continued. “You can count it out on your own fingers, and see for yourself it’s demonstrably untrue. Look – one, two; three, four. The answer is four. Two plus two, equals four”.

The crowd began to murmur fractiously. The atmosphere soured. “Can it be true?” asked a tribes-woman. “Could Tony Blair be wrong about something? Does he not have all the answers to life’s questions, after all?”.

Anxiety filled the air – until finally Moses restored sense. “Two plus two can’t be four” Moses explained; “because Tony Blair says it isn’t, and he won three elections”. The tribesmen and women cheered as one; showering Tony Blair with the Sinai’s very finest grains of sand.

The following day, Moses followed Tony Blair’s advice, and led his tribe into the desert – where they would walk around in a circle for 40 years; while Tony Blair took up his allotted position as Pharaoh’s PR advisor, helping to restore the Egyptian public’s faith in his tactical acumen after the whole Red Sea thing.

The end.

 

p.s. things haven’t been going so well lately, so I will be taking some time off from writing. Keep well.

The Right-Minded View: PMQs – January 2017.

There are two broad purviews on Prime Minister’s Questions. Many people contend that it is largely a waste of everybody’s time – a shoulder-shruggathon, if you will; whereby gossipy-snips write about Parliamentary affairs as if the whole matter was a particularly underwhelming soap opera: superimposing whatever narrative happens to be convenient to their own personal inclinations and ego. Moreover, some even go so far as to suggest that this comprehensively fails the public interest, and undermines the whole purpose of journalism – to the detriment of us all – at one stroke.

Others look at it a different way, however; and conclude that it is the best thing since the sliced proverbial; or at least, since the cup-holder umbrella. I, for one, favour the second view; because of reasons, and stuff.

It therefore behooves me to commend an outstanding performance throughout this week’s bout from the Prime Minister: responding to even the least robust of questions with a truly awe-inspiring evasiveness; while expertly handling a variety of styles. From quick fire gangsta rap exchanges; to death metal panache – replete with cookie monster vocals.

For example, the Parliamentary Leader of the Scottish National Party asked if the Prime Minister would agree that the recent bout of cold weather throughout Britain demonstrates the need for an independent Scotland – prompting Ms May to spend a moment praising the Dark Lord, before growling “cookie, cookie, cookie”, and then sacrificing a paper clip to appease his satanic majesty. This is the sort of thing that young people go in for, I hear.

Then the Leader of the Liberal Democrats asked for a guarantee that Britain would retain access to the single European Market. Channeling the inner thug, the Prime Minister replied: “there is ghon be no attempts ta stay within tha European Union. Tha playaz of Britain voted fo’ Brexit – we is all Brexitas now, nahmeean?”; before presenting a thugged-out document to the House of Commons. The Prime Minister then explained that “da Posse whoz ass want Britain ta stay up in tha EU single market” needed a “realitizzle check” and “ta stop behavin’ as though you livin’ up in a gangbangin’ fantasy ghetto”.

Then we come to the Leader of the Opposition, Mr Corbyn – asking impertinent questions, about trifling matters, in an unelectable manner. I mean, are we supposed to fixate on something as trivial as Britain’s future export markets, while there is a burnt-toast crisis facing our country? I rather think not. Pull yourself together, people – it’s a question of priorities.

By contrast, PM May was seriosity personified – emitting aplomb from every orifice. In a word – runcible. Concerned with only the most pressing matters – such as Britain’s future export markets.

To conclude proceedings, Theresa May then patriotically passed around a plate of the all-British-ingredient equivalents of Ferrero Rocher. “Prime Minister, with these marmite-encrusted scotch eggs you are really spoiling us” announced one Tory MP, to the delight of all.

And with that, Prime Minister’s Questions was won – fo’ shizzle.

 

The Right-Minded View: The Positives Of Global Warming

According to the Daily Mail, 97% of scientists are wrong about global warming. A damning statistic in its own right, you may think. Worse still, however, is the evident bias at work in media coverage on the issue.

3% of statistics should not be dismissed so lightly, I say – good things might come from global warming. Warmer weather is obvious. There are many positives which spring less immediately to mind, however.

For one thing, it will lead to an opening of sea routes through places like Birmingham, and most of Wales. For another – and on much the same tack – any house which is currently 50 or so miles inland will become waterfront property. Just think about the increased property values.

Should that fail to convince, then simply consider the following examples – by no means intended to be exhaustive:

  • Underwater archaeology will thrive.
  • The jobs-market in manufacturing air-conditioners will boom.
  • Farmers will be able to grow oranges in the northern-most points of Scotland.
  • People will be able to go scuba-diving along what used to be Regent Street; or snorkeling through the abandoned corridors of Heathrow airport.
  • All the malaria mosquitoes a naturalist could hope to find in breeding-grounds as far afield as Cornwall and Yorkshire.
  • Geologists need travel to the Sahara no more – they will be free to collect an array of sands from the deserts of Scunthorpe and Widnes instead.
  • On a similar note, Death Valley will finally be opened up to a bit of competition over which is the least inhabited location on earth – a boon for any area which takes the title; be it Manchester, or Oslo.
  • Museums will be able to display innumerable galleries of newly extinct species – such as bees, and polar bears. Just think of how popular dodo exhibits are – ticket sales will soar when the tarantula goes.
  • Moats will receive a new lease of life in the average family garden.
  • Have an aversion to travelling through mountain ranges? Then worry no further – as water rises, even the humblest of ferries will be able to sail gracefully over their very summit.
  • Global shortages of basic foodstuffs will end Britain and America’s respective obesity crises, forthwith. You can’t say fairer than that.
  • And finally, we all know that scientists love to examine the remains of civilizations which perished in natural disasters. Usually their efforts are limited to relics, many thousands of years old. Well, not anymore.

Hopefully, these prospects will have changed a few minds. So far as I can tell, this account of matters is 100% factual; and backed by all the science known to science.

The Right-Minded View: Opposites Attract

Donald Trump was a man – Theresa May was a woman. It seemed as if they were just too different to get along.

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He wanted to build walls – she wanted to salt the earth with the tears of widows and orphans.

But she looked past the fake-tan, and saw the insecure tyrant within. He saw through the vacuous materialism – and gazing into her abyss, her abyss gazed into him.

Together, they combined the timelessness of a nylon rug with the kind of moxy that built the pyramids.

But would she sell him her nation’s health service – or her soul?

Opposites Attract: A Love Story – available at all good horror movie outlets now.

The Right-Minded View: The NHS Crisis.

While it may be true that the NHS currently faces the worst crisis since the last time Conservatives were in government, for reasons which defy any obvious explanation; I say let us not be too hasty with our conclusions.

All that health-treatment does is cure illness; it certainly doesn’t teach people the virtues of self-reliance. Instead of tackling the root cause of broken legs, dependence on medicine teaches the contrary: that it is okay to fall down a flight of stairs, because hospitals will take care of the problem for you.

Rather than spend money on patient care, therefore, I believe that the free-market offers a potential solution here. For instance, why should bacteria have its aspirations inhibited by the red-tape of inoculations, and the like; instead of being free to achieve its ambitions? Let illness and injury compete on a level playing field, I say.

Sure, some people will fall by the wayside, and – to use the emotive idiom favoured by the Left – die; but a bit of fatality never did anyone any harm in the long-run. On the contrary, it represents a success story, in the market of pathogens.

Far worse in my view, however, is the sight of GPs complaining about working a seven-day week. Well, I say it is simply not enough. Nevermind a seven-day week, I used to work a seven-week day; and it never did me any harm.

If doctors are unwilling to take a leaf out of my book, however, then they might at least follow the good example set by our country’s virtuous government ministers – who do so much for the benefit of the land. You never hear them bemoan being overworked or underpaid. That is because they simply have better manners than to do so. Besides, when they are a bit short, they don’t complain; they merely award themselves a pay-rise instead. A better example of conscientious probity I have yet to witness.

And is it really beyond the pale to ask whether we actually need doctors and nurses in the first place? Or to suggest that people who are unwell – perhaps a bit gangrenous in certain parts (don’t ask, don’t tell is the watchword here) – simply take half an aspirin, and find a quiet corner to lie down in; so as not to inconvenience the rest of us? Is there any good reason to invest large sums of money in expensive hospital beds, and pricey wards, when a flattened-cardboard box in the middle of a street serves much the same purpose? I would wager not.

What’s more, British people can be their own medical experts, these days. Not only would it save on the public purse if people eschew visiting surgeries, and seek advice from a local newsagent instead; but it would mean that the £350 million per week, previously pledged to the NHS, could be devoted to a more worthwhile endeavour – like increased subsidies for private providers, operating within the National Health Service.

No, I say steady the course, PM May. This bold policy of creating a doctor-free health service is a marvel for all to behold.

The Right-Minded View: Sleaford’s By-Election – Another Terrible Result For Corbyn

If it wasn’t for Jeremy Corbyn, then Labour would definitely have won the Parliamentary seat in Sleaford; which has been held for 19 consecutive years by Conservative MPs, and has never been won by any other party.

Just how did the Conservatives retain a safeseat, in a by-election, during the onset of winter, with an electoral turnout which was only half that of the previous General Election’s? Well, it simply defies any other possible explanation save to attribute the outcome solely to Mr Corbyn. Now, that’s not to say that every by-election is entirely reflective of Corbyn – because Labour has won many under his tenure; and we can safely say that those results had nothing to do with him at all – he was merely incidental.

However, when the Labour party fails to do something completely unprecedented under his watch, then we can point the finger of blame with quite some assurance indeed. Never mind the 52%, let alone the 48%: 100% is the most important percentage of them all – and thanks solely to Mr Corbyn, Labour failed to gain 100% of the votes in Sleaford.

Can people honestly foresee Labour coming close to 2015’s losing performance under Corbyn at this rate?If you ask me, the only solution is for the Labour party to adopt the mutually exclusive commitments of the Liberal Democrats and Ukip forthwith – as the media and Labour’s most prominent backbenchers demand, between them.

In sum, if Labour had finished second, rather than fourth, then they would have won. Food for Mr Corbyn’s proverbial.

The Right-Minded View: The Casey Review.

I, for one, do not have any doubts whatsoever about public concern for the well-being of migrants and refugees, of all kinds – especially women and children – being voiced in the media today; which is why there is such popular enthusiasm for rescuing them during their travails in the Mediterranean Sea, for instance.

Thankfully we have a government which is brave enough to confront the issue of sexism being imported into Britain by foreign men. It’s truly a day to behold when members of our nation’s Parliament bemoan patriarchy. Who could be better placed, after all? As many as 25% of MPs are female – a clear equilibrium; and setting the best of examples for citizens of all kinds to follow.

What’s more, unlike newcomers to our shores – who want to suppress women by isolating them, physically and linguistically, from British society – Theresa May offers an even-handed approach, instead; by simply deporting foreign women from our country altogether, after a stint in Yarl’s Wood.

Ms May would never discriminate, however – to match her robust approach to foreign women, she also devoted the better part of six years to ending the Health in Pregnancy Grant, closing Surestart Centres, reducing child benefit, undermining the provision of rape counselling, ending legal aid for victims of domestic violence, closing women’s shelters – along with specialist domestic violence courts – seeking to repeal abortion rights, and voting against homosexual women being allowed to adopt children: all of which impact upon women of all nationalities and backgrounds, living in Britain today. That is because Theresa May is, at heart, an egalitarian.

In recent years, ordinary people have been forced to rely upon the robust fighting men of Ukip to speak their very real concerns about the position of women in society; but I am confident that the Casey Report will see more mainstream politicians adopt a similar approach to the long-standing issue of how we can make Britain a welcoming place for all residents.

The Right-Minded View: The Reintroduction of Grammar Schools

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There is an excellent case for reintroducing Grammar schools; however, I can’t help but wonder if it goes quite far enough?

Grammar schools undoubtedly ensure that the best and the brightest students – that is to say, children from the best families – will prosper. We needn’t worry too much about the other 80% of pupils for the time being.

So, if fairness of outcome is the order of the day, is it right that a Grammar system should be applied only to schools? I would venture not. Therefore, what I propose, is a holistic imposition of Grammar stratification on every single last aspect of social infrastructure in Britain. For the public’s own benefit, of course. Commonsense decrees that if it’s beneficial to impose selectivity on children, then it’s more than fitting to apply it to all areas of life

For example, we could have Grammar hospitals; where those patients who are in the finest fettle are no longer hindered by the sick, and the dying. The majority of medical resources could thereafter be devoted to them accordingly.

We could have Grammar supermarkets, where the best and brightest fruit and vegetables are allowed to fulfill their aspirations; with no disadvantages accrued from time spent on the less refined five-a-days.

And finally, we could – nay, should – even go so far as to create Grammar funeral parlours; where the most ambitious cadavers are not held back by their slower-moving brethren. This will provide an enriching vein of competition, bringing out the best in the recently deceased; and benefiting the nation as a whole.

All told, I think that this excellent scheme of sorting and sifting should proceed forthwith. Never did me any harm, I can tell you.

The Right-Minded View: Labour’s Leadership Contest – Mr Corbyn Vs. Mr Smith.

If there’s one charge that can be leveled at Jeremy Corbyn, like the proverbial lance at a windmill, it’s that of unelectability.

The disastrous landslide victory Mr Corbyn suffered in the original Labour Party leadership contest was merely the start; it was soon followed by several calamitous successes endured in byelections. What’s more, the taint of Mr Corbyn’s unelectability clearly spread to the Mayoral campaigns, in London and Bristol – which promptly rose without a trace, resulting in a tragically high margin of victory for each participant.

The problem is easy to elucidate. Mr Corbyn is quite simply not a credible pragmatic sensible centrist electable aspirational moderate.

What this country is crying out for is a persuader, not a protester: somebody who is unabashed about making nebulous assertions to support their position, while preaching to the converted; before going on to abstain in Parliament – with a steely look of determination in their eye; subsequently waving a white flag, defiantly. If anything, there are simply too many candidates in the Labour Party to choose from, who would fit this bill handsomely. Mr Corbyn, however, is certainly not one.

Labour’s impressive second-place finish at the last General Election – which, had it been an Olympic contest, would have guaranteed them a silver-medal – clearly demonstrates that no substantive change of any kind was even remotely necessary to rejuvenate the party. On the contrary, the only way for Labour to succeed is to intensify all of the things which lead up to their monumental victory, last year.

After all, Labour’s political opponents think that Mr Corbyn’s continued leadership is a bad idea – and they clearly offer their concern purely in the best interests of the Labour party. They would be a better group to consult for bold, innovative ideas on how to keep things exactly the way they are, in my opinion, than the party’s own supporters, members, and voters; who have always seemed somewhat superfluous to the whole business of Labour being elected into government. Far better to chase one vote from somebody who will never cast it in your favour, I say, than to pursue votes from thousands of people who would.

What Mr Corbyn needs to appreciate is that we don’t elect Party Leaders to make intelligent decisions – we elect them them to represent the public. Therefore, it really is high-time that Labour’s members listened more carefully to the advice offered here by those who led their party to such resounding success, especially within Scotland, a year ago; and to altruistic Conservatives, who will never vote for Labour, want it to lose the next election, and therefore have only the party and its supporters best interests at heart. This is just commonsense.