In a world-first, we can today exclusively reveal the Conservative Party’s special dossier, distributed to each of its members, in preparation for their epic confrontation with new Labour (not New Labour) party leader, Jeremy Corbyn.
Without further ado, here it is, in full, unabridged and uncensored:
‘Jeremy Corbyn – A Bearded Danger To Life as We Know It’
A Troubling Career History
New Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, has already confessed that he has been in the same room, many times, as people who have sold weapons and armaments to foreign dictators – as a member of the House of Commons.
But it doesn’t stop there.
Had Corbyn been leader of the Labour Party during 1997-2010, or led the Conservative Party between 1979-1997, or 2010-15, he would have been a strong supporter of notorious dictators such as Augusto Pinochet, Islam Karimov, Saddam Hussein, or M. Gaddafi – instead of being an opponent of them, as a back-bench MP. He would therefore have a truly embarrassing political record, had history only been entirely different.
We know that Jeremy Corbyn lives in London, and has recourse to visit Parliament – well, so did Guy Fawkes. They have never been seen in the same room, at the same time. Questions should be asked.
Corbyn is a vegetarian – well, so was Hitler. And peas have been a part of their respective diets, too. Think about it.
Corbyn rides a bicycle. Unlike Boris Johnson, who also cycles regularly – and David Cameron, who once had his bike stolen – this makes him a fellow-traveller in the transport lineage of no less a personage than Chairman Mao himself. Think about it.
Corbyn has a beard – well, so do many depictions of Satan. And they’re both tangentially affiliated with the colour red. Think about it.
Corbyn has often drunk milk produced by cows. Every year, as many as three people are hurt in cowherd-stampedes. While there’s no proof that Corbyn is implicated in these incidents, he shows a worrying tendency to continue drinking milk DESPITE them. Think about it.
Questions which need answers
Why does nobody care that Corbyn AVOIDED being drafted into the British Army during the First World War, merely on the grounds that he wasn’t alive at the time?
What are the REAL reasons he has never played for the England women’s cricket team?
Is it mere coincidence that the same week Corbyn was DECLARED Labour Party leader, it rained several times?
Corbyn famously shares a birthday with George Formby – is this all they have in common? Is there perhaps the same proclivity for SAUCY VOYEURISM, under the seemingly innocuous guise of ‘cleaning windows’?
Why does Corbyn REFUSE TO DIGNIFY suggestions that he will replace the national anthem with a Billy Bragg song about the Roswell landings?
Why is the Welsh rugby team a BETTER side when Corbyn isn’t playing as their prop forward?
Key messages to push
Corbyn is ACCUSED of having long-standing links to the British Labour party – how can we be certain he won’t try to replace the current government through leading some kind of General-election-coup in 2020, by gaining more votes than them?
Corbyn’s expenses are SUSPICIOUSLY minimal. Nobody could live on such a frugal means – unless they were unemployed, or disabled, or unpaid carers: in which case it would be good for them, and we should demand it.
Socialism does not work. This is why a publicly-funded, non-profit-making, nationally-provided entity – such as a police force, for example – is simply not a viable entity; and has therefore NEVER existed.
Nobody is saying that Corbyn’s beard is false, just that we can’t be 100% certain it is not; and if his beard is fake, what might he be HIDING underneath it?
Things that Corbyn has not publicly condemned
The fact that when toast falls to the ground, the buttered side invariably hits the floor.
The Second Law Of Thermodynamics, the entropy it entails, and the end of life as we know it.
Knots in shoelaces, which are so tight you can’t undo them without first taking off your shoe.
People in workplaces who dunk biscuits into cups of tea, and fail to clean out the resultant gunge properly before putting their mug back in the cupboard.
The spate of sandwich-theft among lawless gangs of seagulls.
Quotes from conveniently anonymous Parliamentary sources
According to a Senior Labour Party Source: “Corbyn intends to unveil a nationwide stratagem of preparing shoes for human consumption within decades of taking power”.
A backbench Labour MP was overheard in the men’s lavatory saying: “Corbyn will appear at Prime Minister’s question time in the back of a pantomime horse costume – the armoured wing of the Citizens Advice Bureau will be in the front half”.
A Labour insider expressed concerns about the possibility that Corbyn will “make it a crime for Parliamentarians to engage in criminal activity – such as launching unlawful wars in the Middle East”
One Ukip MP, who wishes to remain anonymous, asked “In his 32 years as an MP, Corbyn has done nothing besides turn up for work, and do what he is paid for – does his hypocrisy know no bounds?”
Cite illustrative testimony, from two of Corbyn’s constituents – ‘Zac’ and ‘Sarah’
Sarah: “I was going to vote for this Corbyn chap; but then my benefits were sanctioned, and I decided to vote Conservative out of gratitude”
Zac: “I was going to vote for Corbyn; but when he refused to sing along to the national anthem, I realised the next step would be to rename St. Paul’s Catheral ‘the Great Auditorium of the Proletariat’, where images of Christ will be withdrawn, and replaced with selfies of Union Leader, Len McClusky. Giving the Job Centre advance notice of this ensured my benefits were not sanctioned”.
Cite Reliable articles from non-partisan media sources
“Here’s a fact which Corbyn has kept quiet – he is secretly a member of the Labour Party; which was once lead by a certain Mr Tony Blair: a close confidant of notorious phone-hack boss Rupert Murdoch. We call upon Corbyn to explain his affiliations with corrupt media magnate Rupert Murdoch” (The Guardian)
“CHILLING: Corbyn was once seen in public with his shirt improperly buttoned. Can you draw a connection between this and an inability to correctly press the buttons on a nuclear-weapon – accidentally destroying East Croydon in the process? We can”. (Daily Mail)
“Speculation is mounting in Labour circles that Corbyn may be declared the anti-Christ by Papal decree” (GuidoFawkes Site)
“Corbyn will FORCE people to obey the laws of physics, in keeping with the diktats of the EUSSR” (Express)
“PHWOARBIN: Lusty Loony Leftie Labour Leader Jezza Will Replace The Statue Of Justice Outside The Old Bailey With A Bronze Bust Of Vladimir Putin’s Heaving Man-Bosom – In Full Suckle Mode” (The Sun).
Don’t be afraid to use your nails, boys.