A fulsome encomium on the triumphs of Starmerism
Keir Starmer’s genius – if that’s not too mild a word – is to have taken a political party at its lowest ebb, and reduced expectations further still, against seemingly impossible odds.
People may criticise him for having no policies/ideas/anything to offer (etc), but I say this is a strength: nobody can find fault with your principles, when you have none to begin with.
Besides, this is merely one aspect of his masterful strategy. It is backed-up with compelling slogans like ‘new, real, important, serious, normal, competent, solid, capable, sensible, reasonable, pragmatic, grown-up’, or ‘our opponents are doing a fine job in government, we wish them well with their endeavours’.
Accordingly, it would not surprise me if whichever Conservative MP is taking a run at being this year’s Prime Minister has learned to fear his praise, while living in sheer dread at the thought of his abstentions. And his robust political platform of minor tweaks, here and there, is second only to most other parties in the scope of its ambitions.
While his predecessor never stopped banging-on about ‘homeless’ this, ‘poverty’ that, and ‘universal healthcare’ the other, under Starmer’s leadership there is no drama, no policies, no ideas, no anything at all, really – just sensible politics. This is exactly as it should be.
As much as I would like the Labour Party to be more ambitious when it comes to the various problems engulfing Britain, I’m afraid it’s impossible to get elected by promising to do anything useful. This is why it’s so reassuring that the current Labour Party are not merely offering people nothing, but can be relied upon to deliver it as well.
‘Averting climate catastrophe sounds nice, but preventing the apocalypse is simply not cost-effective during what is currently a difficult period for buy-to-let landlords’ – Starmer enthusing the crowd.
‘What would this programme for government look like in practice?’ You ask, Well, it’s really very simple.
Education: free school meal eligibility will be performance-based, thereby incentivising children from disadvantaged backgrounds to do well in school; instead of rewarding poor results. Tough on education, tough on the causes of education, I say.
Environment: ex-SAS troops will be deployed to tackle casual littering, on a shoot-to-kill basis.
NHS: waiting times will be solved with a multipronged plan of action. Instead of GP assessments – self diagnosis. Simply have a crack at what you think is wrong, and then hope for the best. Shortages of staff shall be overcome by reserving hospitals for the exclusive use of the healthy, and treating ailments the old fashioned way: with a pat on the back, and some firm words of encouragement.
Community: more cops, more funding for cops, more powers for cops, more immunity for cops, and more weapons for cops.
Cost of living: if you’re struggling financially – don’t worry! Labour will freeze energy-bills at their currently unaffordable prices.
Patriotism: rather than talk Britain down, by suggesting things could be better, Keir Starmer will offer something else instead: patriotism. Instead of housing people: patriotism. Instead of ensuring nobody is left going hungry and cold in one of the wealthiest countries on the planet: patriotism.
All of this will help usher in a golden age of means-testing, and carefully managed decline, PFIs in every walk of life, military flypasts, good, solid crackdowns on whatever stands to benefit from one, and two Union Jacks per speech – for double the flag-waving.
‘China? Protesters are brave and good. Iran? Protesters are brave and good. Britain? Protesters are going too far, and consequently warrant a good, firm crackdown’ – Starmer speaking at the Museum of Communist Horror, in Leamington Spa.
Arguably the proudest achievement of Starmerism to date, however, is clamping down firmly on the phenomenon of frightful, intolerable, insane extremism which has crept into political parties of late: that is, meaningful involvement from their fee-paying members.
You see, the public can no longer be trusted to keep endorsing the status quo. Many seem to be under the impression that governments should actually do things, like run the country properly. Ensure things work. Not allow water companies to pump sewage onto beaches. That sort of thing. A most unreasonable attitude – and one to which Sir Keir offers the necessary corrective.
That is why he has spent the past few years removing the very worst elements from the Labour Party – namely those who think inequality is bad, along with sundry other dread-threats to civilisation; such as elderly Holocaust survivors, who believe that Palestinians should be treated like human beings. There is zero tolerance for that sort of thing under Keir Starmer!
I say this is a very sensible approach to managing democracy. One which contrasts neatly with the unbridled tyranny of his predecessor who, when MPs launched a coup against him, invited them to rejoin the shadow cabinet and gave them important roles. Likewise, whenever journalists displeased him, he responded by saying they do an important job, and deserved a pay rise.
It’s what life must have been like under Stalin.
By comparison, when push comes to shove, Sir Keir will boldly state ‘this is somewhat less than ideal – alas, there is no alternative’, then whip to abstain, and conduct a whispering campaign against any dissenting colleagues; furnishing an array of client journalists with requisite material.
What could epitomise British democracy more aptly?
‘Mr Speaker, when I clapped nurses I meant it!’ – Starmer during PMQs. A 12% increase in very serious, moderate, and sensible clapping more than makes up for a 0% increase in wages, in my view.
Thus has Sir Keir won back goodwill from that most vital of all constituencies lost by the former Labour leadership: the Conservative Party. Nowhere is this more vividly evinced than during Prime Minister’s Questions, wherein the Leader of the Opposition and his counterpart have become noted for their impassioned and fiery agreements with one another. Be it on the subject of who should be deported, who is the most enthusiastic about whichever war is up for consideration – or who must become poorer, and how happy they must learn to be about it.
Consequent praise from newspaper columnists, CEOs – and various other people who really matter – has been simply unending. All of them are only too willing to call for the deep and fundamental societal changes which they did everything to prevent, now that there is no prospect of them materialising.
Endorsements from landlord associations, bailiffs, arms traders, and innumerable representatives of the Conservative Party are equally encouraging. Being feted by the former Chancellor, whose polices caused tens of thousands of austerity deaths, because your policies are indistinguishable from his, is a good thing, actually. Nobody has to vote Conservative, if they want identical policies. They can simply vote for Sir Keir instead.
‘Now is not the time, better things are not possible’ – Starmer unveils Labour’s campaign message during local elections.
Now, you may be inclined to take this the wrong way, and say ‘I don’t really care which politician a lot of grasping business creeps want me to vote for, in order to serve their own interests. Labour are just as corrupt as the Tories. They merely want their turn in power – they don’t actually want to make anyone’s lives better, save their own’.
I would have to say this is a very churlish outlook indeed. The differences could not be more clear.
For example, the government and opposition may have the same position on public-sector strikes: i.e. workers shouldn’t receive inflationary pay-rises. But whereas the Conservatives regard this as merely unfortunate, Labour consider it highly regrettable.
Furthermore, while the Conservatives have decided that people should be left to die on trolleys, waiting for beds in hospital – or for ambulances that never arrive – Labour are are really, really, really very sad that this happening, even if they will do nothing about it.
People who cannot choose between an offer of nothing and a completely different offer of nothing strike me as indecisive, at best.
‘Chanting slogans, or saying “aspiration” a lot?’ – Sir Keir fends off detractors with aplomb
It may surprise you, however, to discover that this scenario has elicited a modicum of discontent. A few people have had the temerity to suggest that you can’t trust Starmer because he tells lies. But I say you expect politicians to lie, and Starmer lies constantly, about everything, all the time. You know where you stand with upfront dishonesty like that.
In sum: it is generally said that you damn things with faint prise – but I say no praise could be faint enough for the triumphs of Starmerism.