A New Place Of Exile

Richard Hutton

Category: The 'Ull Daily Mail

Step Out Into The Glittering World Of Hull: Fashion Tips From Guiseppe Rosselini.

The View From Hull.

 
 
 

Be fabulous, with Guiseppe

 

Wesley from Beverley Westwood writes:

Dear Guiseppe,

To some it may seem trivial; to me it is a matter of gravest importance.
Belts may be thin, broad; lace, leather. Sometimes even buckled. Once I wore one which had tassles.
This is fine when young; but I’m moving onwards and upwards in the world. I’m not getting any younger, after all; and I’m travelling in more professional circles now. I’m also trying to squire with a higher class of broad. Now, don’t get me wrong – my taste is generally one of utmost gentility and refinement: in both belts and braces. But this is a whole new world for me. I’m completely at a loss. Is there a particular belt that will enhance my professional kudos? How can I put myself on the market and retain my mystique? What type of belt would you suggest?

Guiseppe: White

The glittering world of Hull

Amy from Bishop Burton writes:

Dear Guiseppe,

I know it’s a cliche, but I love shoes. I genuinely love them. But I work in a stable yard. Day after day I have to tramp through hay, ditch water, and, well, related materials. How can I look my best at work, and remain practical? Are sensible boots the only option? I’m desperate for your advice. 
Is it possible to mix manure and high fashion? What kind of boots would you recommend?

Guiseppe: Red

Guiseppe’s column has been discontinued by the editor, despite repeated promises that this would not happen again.

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God To Pastor Jones: “Leave Me Out Of This”.

The View From Hull.

In an exclusive interview with the Divine Creator Of The Known Universe, the ‘Mail‘s Sports Editor Randolf Hutchins chatted about Alzheimer’s and burnt Korans

 

God, in conversation with 'Mail author Randolf Hutchins.

“Every time somebody takes a dislike to a book, and decides to burn it, they begin blaming me. Well, I’ve had it up to here” God says, while a waitress pours us tea and coffee respectively. I am seated with God in a small, family-owned Café on Princes Avenue. The atmosphere is somnolent at this time of the morning. The coffee is overpriced at all times of the day. God’s voice swathes through the room. “If I had wanted people to set fire to books, I would not have bestowed them with enquiring minds. After all, these are my books being burned, you know”.

– Of course.  

“They may well have been ghost-written – but I still did the bulk of the work. Just leave me out of it for God…well, for goodness’ sake, I suppose”.

God is, of course, referring to the controversial decision taken by an American priest to claim that he has read a book; and, more predictably, to burn copies of The Koran. God leans back in a decidedly uncomfortable chair and sighs.

“Once a year – without fail – somebody tries to drag me into this kind of nonsense”.

– So you evidently disapprove of burning books?

“Of course I do! Well, maybe not A Farewell To Arms; or that daft one about the Mona Lisa”. God takes a heavy sip of tea. “Actually, no: it’s the principle. Even screen-plays count. It’s bad for everyone concerned – except publishers, who make a mint while the pages cinder. Nobody needs that. They have enough money”.

– Do you not feel that you may have contributed to this situation?

“How so?”

– Well, do you not think you set a precedent with Sodom and Gomorrah? It was my understanding that flames and burning occurred. 

God paused momentarily. “Well, that’s a fair point, I suppose. I mean don’t get me wrong, I have no objection to a bit of fire and brimstone now and then – after all, I was no saint in my youth”.

– Of course.

“But Allah is a close friend of mine. And there’s no need for such a fuss. It’s needlessly inflammatory”.

– Would you agree then that burning books is an exercise in closed-mindedness?

God thought carefully before speaking. “Well yes, I suppose it is really. But more than that, it’s pompous. Once you begin to rid the world of particular thoughts or considerations, then why not those who hold them as well? It is of course people who generate ideas and principles in the first place”.

– So you believe they are equally important?

“No, no – principles exist to serve people; not vice versa. And since when were particular words so threatening as to invite riddance from the earth?”.

– Didn’t you once forbid blasphemy? 

“No – too many people presume to speak for me. I consider it to be a low form of prayer”.

– A form of prayer?

“Yes, of course. An entreaty for my grace – whenever they are disappointed; or when a football team flounces out of a tournament, with all the feebleness one can muster”. This God mumbled, while struggling with a piece of shortbread. I pointed out that the standards of cafes in the city have been slipping markedly of late. 

“No, no” God protested generously. “A cavity”.

– Surely not?

God chuckled: “I may be omnipotent, but that doesn’t mean I’m all powerful”.

– Well surely it does.

“What? Oh yes, I see. No – well, what I meant to say is that I may be omniscient, but that doesn’t mean I know everything”. 

I am reminded that Alzheimer’s has been rumoured; but given that God did, after all, have the decency to create the known universe, I decided that discretion was meet. One universe in six days would take its toll on anybody; and having visited Manchester, I can but imagine the pains taken to create it. Anyone would tire. I decided to move on. 

–  Several of our readers have written in to ask various questions. Are you happy to answer these?

“Yes; of course”.

–  The first is from Guiseppe in Hull; who asks ‘why bad things happening to good people’? I believe he means why do good people have to suffer so much in life?

“I’m not sure”.

– Okay. What, if anything, is the true meaning of life?

“I don’t rightly know. Actually, no – wait. I put people on earth for one thing, and for one thing only”.

–  Which is?

At this point the waitress intruded, disrupting God’s omniscience temporarily. “Where was I?” God asked after the cutlery had been taken away; and subsequently dropped in the kitchen.

 – You were in the middle of explaining the true purpose of life.

“What? Oh, yes. I forget it now. I’m sure people are smart enough to figure it out for themselves”.

– On a related note, another of our readers asks, ‘which is the true religion?’

“None. I know what peoples’ intentions are; irrespective of the words they speak, or the images they might pray to. There is a marked difference between protestations on the one hand, and – on the other – the true contents of hearts”.

– But didn’t you once say there was no God but God; and that you were a jealous one at that?

“I was only being facetious. People take things too literally. Unless it’s the part about selling their possessions and giving the money to the poor – for some reason they take that metaphorically”. 

– Another of our readers – a Mr Calfy – asks: ‘What about turning water into wine? Is that actually possible? Only I have a friend called Dave, who reckons…’

“Don’t believe everything you read in the scriptures” God interjected.

– Very well. Denise from Scunthorpe has raised an interesting matter. She writes ‘What about Satan? Is he really all that he’s cracked up to be?’

“Well, he’s not so bad really, I suppose. Fine taste in music, for instance; very generous with loans – though you must watch out for the small print; and a beautiful wife he has too – no morals at all, of course; though I must disapprove of that. Officially. Raises intriguing possibilities, though, one must concede”.

–  We received an anonymous e-mail…

“Oh dear”

– No, no – it’s not like that. Somebody merely wishes to know whether it is true that you were originally British?

“I’m afraid not – that was merely a rumour. Though I did invent the English accent, such as it is”. 

– So Yorkshire is not really your county?

“I didn’t say that. How many counties can boast the choicest cuts of Wensleydale cheese? And didn’t a Yorkshire-man invent whisky?”

– I’m not sure. We invented Motown though. 

“Really?”

–  Oh yes. Marvin Gaye was originally from south Skirlaugh.

God gave me a quizzical look. “I have my doubts”.

–  That Marvin Gaye hailed from the East Riding?

“No. You know, I did believe that I had seen your face before. Weren’t you promenading the other day in a beige negligee, while your wife was at work?”

– No. That must have been my son. He’s at that age. You know how they are. 

“I am omniscient, you know, Randolf”.

– Right. Yes. Moving on. One final question from our readers.

‘What do you really think of Richard Dawkins?’

God sipped his tea.

“I prefer Stephen Fry”.

Thank you to the readers who wrote in with their questions. God’s latest book will be published in the next millennium. 

Related news:

  • Axis of Evil launch controversial tour of Pennine region (p. 17).
  • Lenny Henry to star in ‘Al Qaeda: The Musical’ (p. 24-25).

The View From Hull: Guiseppi’s ‘Wining and Dining’.

Guiseppi’s Wining and Dining in Hull

 

In a brand-new column brought to you by The Mail our resident winer, Guiseppi Rossellini, answers your wine related questions (Guiseppi Rossellini is the Chief Wine Testee and co-owner of Guiseppi’s Wineagers).
 
 

Wining and dining (in Hull)

 

Karen in Hull writes,

Dear Guiseppi

I’m planning to host a dinner party for my work colleagues and my supervisor. I believe that a promotion may be in the offing, and could depend upon the impression I leave them with. I want something that says ‘this person is serious, but quirky, and easygoing; determined and sedulous, yet fun-loving and down-to-earth’. It’s difficult to find something that appeals to all pallets, especially when you don’t know people all that well, and I don’t want anyone to feel excluded, but I only have a limited budget. Please could you recommend a wine for me?

Guiseppi: Red.
 

Ben in Hull writes,

Dear Guiseppi

I’m looking for a wine ideal for a first date. Something that tells a woman what she can expect from me; something that reveals my innermost being implicitly: passionate, witty, egregiously charming, sophisticated, erudite and modest; while keeping any notion of commitment ambiguous and guaranteeing sexual satisfaction as standard. What would you recommend?

Guiseppi: White.

 

Guiseppi’s column has been discontinued at the discretion of the editor.

Red? White?

The View From Hull: Excerpts From ‘The ‘Ull Daily Mail’.

 

Apologies and Corrections

The ‘Ull Daily Mail would like to correct the following mistakes printed in yesterday’s edition of The Mail.

· Al Jazeera is the name of a popular television channel, not the author of Sharia Law for Infidels as reported on p. 23 of Monday’s Mail.

· The figures that The Mail quoted in its story ‘Immigrants being secretly farmed in Kent’ were not taken from MigrationWatch.com; they were the result of a cut-and-paste error, and were in fact taken from The Mail’s exposé on battery farming (Monday’s Mail; p. 11).

· The Mail regrets that in its interview with American actor Tom Cruise, Mail journalist Randolf Hutchins remarked that “in England a Public School is a kind of brothel”. The Mail also sincerely apologises for Mr Hutchins’ ill-considered remark about the British monarchy and his reference to “purveyors” (Monday’s Mail; p. 16).

· The Prime Minister’s trip to Brussels this week did not involve a “random candy shop adventure” as claimed by The Mail. The trip to the Belgian confectioners was in fact a diplomatic engagement pre-arranged by several months. The Mail’s allusion to the Prime Minister’s “suspicious handing over of foreign currency to an attractive young woman” was in fact a legitimate purchase of goods from the store. The term “sweet-meat” was also used by The Mail in an entirely inappropriate context (Monday’s Mail; p. 12).

· The Mail withdraws its suggestion that feminism was responsible for witchcraft in the middle ages. It also understands that, in the same article, its attribution of the outbreak of the First World War to the Suffragette movement was without factual basis (both reported on p. 12). 

· In response to several readers’ complaints, The Mail would like to retract its editorial piece ‘Climate change: Government to blame for not investing in teleportation devices’. The Mail accepts that the research of Dr. Horatio Finkelstein has in fact been discredited (Mail Comment p. 24).

· In The Mail reader’s poll ‘Are British Muslims the most Islamic of all Britons? 76% say yes!’ the actual results were as follows: 72% said ‘yes’; 13% said ‘no’; and the remainder called in to abstain (Tuesday’s Mail; p. 11).

· The Mail’s exposé ‘American Government’s secret sado-masochism programme’ contained several inaccuracies. In place of “sado-masochism” The Mail should have said “rendition”; while further on in the article, where The Mail referred to the programme being designed “purely to titillate the voyeuristic public”, we should have said “simply to reassure the general public” (Tuesday’s Mail; p. 19).

 · In our interview with Hazel Blears ‘Politics has returned to normal’: at no point in the interview did the MP “lean suggestively over the glass coffee table”. The Mail also accepts that the term “brooking no dissent” was used in an entirely inappropriate context (Wednesday’s Mail; p. 18).

· The Mail can today confirm that British mountaineer Edmund Hillary did not cross the Himalayas using an elderly Tibetan man in place of a pack mule. The Mail also accepts that its use of the expression “certainly thrashed to well within a quarter of an in inch of his life by Hillary” was not entirely accurate (Wednesday’s Mail; p. 13).

· The Mail story ‘Harry Potter stories encourage vampirism among pre-schoolers’ contained several inaccuracies. The Mail apologises to the author of the popular series and her legal representation. The Mail also apologises for advising parents to provide children with vials of consecrated water as a preventative measure. Furthermore The Mail regrets its publication of a diagram which graphically depicted the efficient use of wooden stakes (Wednesday’s Mail; centre pages and A2 poster supplement).

 · The Chancellor of the Exchequer was not in fact charged with murder yesterday. By ‘charged’ The Mail should have said ‘deliberating’; and by ‘with murder’ The Mail should have said ‘the upcoming fiscal year’. The Mail also retracts its insinuation that the Chancellor’s briefcase “appeared suspiciously heavy as he left 11 Downing Street yesterday morning” (Thursday’s Mail; p. 12).

· The NSPCC does not in fact have a military wing; nor was it involved in the Baader Meinhof movement of the 1960-70’s (Thursday’s Mail; p. 13 and repeated in Mail Comment ‘Children’s charities: what your donations really fund’ on p. 23).

· The Archbishop of Canterbury did not claim that “some aspects of Scientology will inevitably become a part of British law”. It was in fact the American actor Tom Cruise who made a similar claim. The Mail also regrets commenting that “alien abduction is a regular feature of the Archbishop’s notorious sermons”. In a letter to The Mail the Archbishop clarified that “it is in fact resurrection which is a cornerstone of the Christian faith, not interplanetary travel” (Thursday’s Mail, p. 18 and repeated in Mail Comment ‘Rowan William’s evil plan to establish Alien overlords as rulers of Britain’ on p. 24).

· There were several inaccuracies in The Mail’s report on Hull City Council’s ‘Education Inspiration’ initiative. The Mail’s suggestion that the Council’s policy slogan was ‘Use your brains – your delicious brains’ was incorrect (Thursday’s Mail, p. 15 and repeated in Mail Comment ‘Child harvest: how the Council plans to cut catering costs citywide’ on p. 27). In a letter to The Mail the Council confirmed that their actual slogan is ‘Use your talents to create a better city’. The Mail would also like to apologise for its suggestion to the various council members in regard to their own childrens’ well being. 

SportsMail would like to amend the following errors:

The Mail would like to revise its report on the football match between Hull City and Burnley FC at the K.C. Stade de Light last night. Hull City star, George Wallis, was not sent off in the 78th minute. He was left out of the team due to a mysterious stomach upset. Burnley FC striker Melvin Van Der Joor did not score in the 15th minute; it was Hull City defender Melvin Van Der Joor who scored an own goal in the 40th minute. And Hull City did not win the match 3 – 2; they lost it 5 – 1.

● In response to several readers’ complaints, The Mail apologises for and retracts a claim made in Randolf Hutchins’ article ‘Cricket: a Gentleman’s pursuit’ in Tuesday’s SportsMail. Hutchins had contended that “it is a well known fact that cricket was originally a fertility ritual. Elements of this may still be seen in the modern game” (p. 23). This is untrue, The Mail now accepts.

● Friday’s SportsMail claim that ‘Football results favour Liberal teams’ could not in truth be “reasonably surmised” with any real accuracy. The match between Celtic and Rangers to which the article referred did in fact end goalless.
 
 

 Like I said, early efforts…