Is it time for a racism of the Left?

When you think about it, what chance do white people have in a society like Britain?

Let us consider the facts, here: throughout the centuries of its history, as many as no Prime Ministers have ever been Black, Asian, or minority ethnic; while, as it currently stands, no more than 100% of monarchs have been white – and this is a number which can only decrease yet further over time. Add to this the fact that a whopping 6% of MPs are Black, and you have to say that white people are in serious danger of being excluded from public life, at some point between now and the end of the millennium.

What’s more, traditional British culture has been transformed beyond recognition in recent decades – there are more Black bishops in the Anglican church than ever before: time was, not a single bishop was Black; but now there’s no fewer than one.

Worse still is the intersection of sexism with racism. Did you know that, since records began, there hasn’t been even one white male who has been named Britain’s most influential Black woman? In fact – shockingly – not a single white person of any gender has ever featured in the annual lists of the most influential Black Britons.

Worryingly, it’s not just the present, either: there are no less than four entire weeks devoted to Black History Month – leaving only 11 months of the year devoted to white history.

Now, I’m not saying any of this to alarm people – simply pointing out that, certainly if the newspapers are to be taken at their word, White Plight is a very real phenomenon in modern Britain. When only 100% of British Prime Ministers have ever been white, is it any wonder that so many white people believe they are members of a persecuted and powerless minority; or spend so much time cowering bravely in fear?

There is a solution for all of this, however; and it can be summed up in no more than one word: racism.

The problem is, racism has got a bad rep in recent years. Mainly because it tends to be a touch parochial and antediluvian in nature – that is to say, conservative; which puts people off it a bit. While it’s fine to be thought of as a racist, in a country where The Sun and The Daily Mail are the most popular sources of news – and government ministers send fleets of vans around predominately Black neighbourhoods, politely telling their residents to Go Home – nobody wants to be wrongly mistaken for a conservative. Not these days.

So, I ask simply this: is it time for a racism of the Left? I wouldn’t normally ask, you see; but racism has become increasingly popular of late, and popularity is the most important thing in the world. This wouldn’t be the bad kind of racism – one with impolite words, and such; but instead, one which is imbued with progressive values. After all, it’s important to keep racism civilised.

So how then could racism be refashioned into a left-wing concern? Well, from the outset, instead of calling it racism, it could be called patriotism. That’s much more pleasant. Further to that, you don’t get more progressive than science – in fact science is reputed to be the most scientific among all branches of thought; so let’s science it up, by taking a homeopathic approach to racism. Inserting just a small – almost inconsequential – amount of racism into public life, will surely cure all the problems which racism causes.

We can add to this an equally scientific method: namely, that of measurement – as pioneered by German academics, as far back as the 1930’s. Before somebody is allowed to undertake employment in Britain, they should submit to the compulsory scientific measurement of their elbows. A proud, muscular elbow – naturally adapted to its local environment – will reveal the true-born Briton; as compared to the ventricose elbow of a newcomer to our shores. This scheme will have the added benefit of allowing employers to discern members of the criminal classes – whose elbows are notoriously flaccid; and the decadent elbows of the intelligentsia, which tend towards the ossiferous.

It’s not just governments who can take a lead on this, however: it’s perfectly possible to think globally, but act locally. Instead of joining torchlit mobs, which leave a big carbon footprint on the environment, people who want to participate in a progressive lynching can use pitchforks which have wooden handles sourced from certified, sustainable forestry. While it may cost a little more to invest in renewable flaming torches, the long-term benefits of using a sustainable source of fuel far outweigh the financial drawbacks, when chasing frightened crowds of people into publicly-owned detention camps; or enclosures constructed out of recycled barbed-wire.

Racism need not be the preserve of older generations of poorly educated people, either, as it so often has been. Young, educated people can enjoy a gap year of racism – in between being serious on the one hand, and sensible on the other; through furnishing the cupboards of their student flats with mugs and crockery inscribed with the words ‘controls on immigration’. What could be more effortless?

It’s not that anybody progressively-minded really wants to do any of this, as such. No. It’s just that many people have very real concerns about being outnumbered by those who are a shade more ethnic than themselves, so to speak; and it’s important to meet the public where they are. Think of this as the triumph of the settled will.

A number of journalists have broken a lot of ground on this issue, lately, in fact – helpfully deciphering the latent meaning behind many popular sentiments; so that everyone can appreciate the trenchant insights they provide, into the life of oppressed white people in modern Britain.

For example, when somebody says “Send them back! Kick them all out of the country!” what this means is “our current economic model does not work equitably for all”; and when someone takes a can of spray paint and daubs “Brits only – no foreigners” on somebody’s front door, this means “local services have their shortcomings due to chronic under-investment”.

The point here is that it’s not simply the case many journalists are themselves racist; it’s just that they have very real concerns for the well-being of the lower orders; and recognise that racism can only be steered in a wise direction, by investing it with progressive values – which is the surest way to deliver a superior variety of racism, to the one which tends to discomfort polite company.

To put it another way, just as the best way to fight fire is to steer well clear of water, and deploy fire against it; so too the best way to respond to racism is not to publicly reject it, but to emulate and legitimize it instead. This is just commonsense.