The Encyclopedia of Sensible Politics

Sensible – noun: a person whose political views only ever accord with the dictates of common wisdom, while occupying the straits of prudence. Synonym: centrist.

Centrist – an adherent of Centrism.

Centrism – a political reflection of the Centre.

Centre – location on the political spectrum, occupied by Centrists.

Centrists – plural of Centrist.

Centrist –  an adherent of Centrism.

Castro, Fidel – an oppressive, Cold War-era South American dictator. Opposed by sensible Cuban moderates in exile; who dream of the day that a present-day successor to General Pinochet will liberate their benighted land, and restore centrism.

Democracy – 1) a vital prerequisite for the historical legitimacy of any left-wing government.  2) a superfluous point of concern regarding a lucrative trading partner.

Saudi Arabia – procurers of Britain’s weaponry; currently waging a regrettably necessary war in Yemen.

Yemen – a war being waged by Saudi Arabia; resulting in the regrettable but unavoidable mass casualties among the civilian population. Antonym: Syria.

Syria – a war being waged by Russia; resulting in a terrible and avoidable loss of life among innocent civilians.

Gesture politics – suspending the sale of armaments to an ally involved in a war, when the weaponry is being used to kill civilians. A more sensible, commonsense approach is to continue the sale of weapons, but express regret at the loss of life occurring as a result of bombing campaigns.

Commonsense – application of basic logic to a conundrum. Example: “the accidental humanitarian bombing of civilians can only be mitigated by more precise bombing; rather than an end to bombing”.

Condemn – imperative action, to be undertaken during any ongoing military/humanitarian catastrophe facilitated by a foreign nation’s government. Example: “In light of this latest bombing campaign, The Left must condemn Russia for supplying Syria’s government with weaponry – which is costing civilians their lives”.

Re-condemn – even more imperative action, in which condemnation must be reiterated upon request. Example: “It’s not enough to merely condemn – you must now re-condemn Russia for supplying Syria’s government with weaponry”.

Tony Blair – former Prime Minister of Britain; winner of three general elections, and liberator of Iraq. In 2003, the United Kingdom was a mere 45 minutes away from certain annihilation – yet Tony Blair saved it, single-handedly; only to see the three general elections he had won become marginalised in the public consciousness by the hundred-thousand or so fatalities which arose as an incidental byproduct of the war effort. See the 12 volumes of ingratitude published by Chilcot Inquiry.

Conspiracy theory – preposterous conjecture, rooted in unreflective paranoia; which eschews evidence-based assessments of complex issues in favour of ideologically-driven, politically expedient conclusions.

Vladimir Putin – all-powerful villain, of the designation ‘super’. It is almost certain, on a 52/48 basis, that his interference prevented sensible outcomes to the US Presidential election, the EU Referendum, and possibly also the Sleaford by-election as well. Believed to have ensured Hillary Clinton would lose the Presidency via a Manchurian Candidate scenario; in which Russian operatives hacked into Hillary Clinton’s personal email account, and deployed subliminal spam messages, thereby reprogramming her to run an ineffectual campaign rooted in open indifference towards her own vote-base.

Hillary Clinton – the sensible candidate in America’s Presidential contest of 2016. Subject to a number of conspiracy theories, peddled by non-sensible types. For example, one such theory posits that Clinton’s own shoddy and obnoxious campaign tactics backfired when they were deployed against her to better effect by a more unscrupulous opponent. A further theory has it that Clinton was perfectly capable of mobilising Democrats behind her, but needed political commitments which would antagonise the many vested interests who had bankrolled her campaign; and that having been gifted the most beatable Republican opponent in history, if Clinton had made so many compromises that she was unable to conduct the campaign required, had no one to blame for the outcome but herself.

Momentum – an all-powerful group of far-left insurgents; who – having lain in wait for decades – recently decided to infiltrate the British Labour party en masse, and spring their revolutionary coup forthwith. Renowned for online-thuggery.

Far-left – people whose idea of progressive politics insensibly results in them renouncing conservatism, rather than abiding by it.

Infiltrate – submit an application for membership.

Online-thuggery – being impolite on social media forums. Example: calling people ‘Tories’, just because they have expressed support for the Conservative Party, and approve of its policies.

Pfizer – a heroic pharmaceutical company, working for the sake of all humanity; on a for-profit basis.

Wingman promise – a pledge which adorns men’s grooming products, produced by the Wingman company: loyalty, confidence, and banter; coupled with a no-nonsense approach to life. Primarily, exfoliating dead skin-cells, while raising money on behalf of Help for Heroes.

Help for Heroes – a charity which raises funds on behalf of disabled ex-service personnel, injured in Britain’s regrettably necessary wars.

British Legion – a charity which raises funds on behalf of disabled ex-service personnel, injured in Britain’s regrettably necessary wars; through the sale of poppies.

Poppy – a symbol of patriotic support for Britain’s glorious wars. Absence indicates the possible involvement in thought-crimes. Example – a dignified, deep-crust tribute to the fallen: 

Waitrose – a decadent emporium, favoured by elites. Purveyors of effete lattes, elitist cereals, out-of-touch sandwiches; and the fruits of contemptuous banana plantations, straightened out in ivory towers, by the Liberal Intelligentsia Division Of Greengrocers, so as to accord with EU regulations.

WH Smiths – a humble, plain-spoken, salt-of-the-earth retail outlet; suffused with proletarian credibility. For example, its book-aisles overflow with the type of publications which remain prepossessing to the man on the Clapham Omnibus; who sensibly disdains pretentious tomes, such as James Joyce’s Ulysses, in favour of the down to earth Harry Potter series of novels.

Harry Potter – an allegorical set of stories, which function as an oracle for understanding contemporary political events and circumstances. For example, the character Voldemort symbolises the lack of moral fibre among young people these days; while the Hogwarts boarding school simultaneously represents the travails of Cuban Exiles, the house building programme of the New Labour government between 1997-2005, the AIDS crisis of the 1980’s, and the necessity for military intervention in various Middle Eastern countries.

Clapham Omnibus – a mode of transport: the preserve and hallmark of ordinary people.

Ordinary people – honest, upstanding social group, imbued with inherent nobility, and sensible opinions: eschewing the braying hauteur of experts, in favour of the modest viewpoints held by callous-palmed working-class sons of toil and graft; such as Nigel Farage, Lord Rothermere, and Prince Harry.

Working class – stouthearted yeomen, whose every thought on the whys and wherefores of life is a rough-hewn diamond of sensible insight; and can therefore be cited to buttress even those political opinions which regrettably run contrary to a commentator’s own moral virtues. Example: “the working class has very real concerns about freedom of movement for EU citizens – and these must be addressed, even if it means leaving the EU”.

Freedom of movement – dread modern phenomenon, which imperils the very existence of the Working Class. Not to be confused with an imaginary problem, continuously mawed at for eons by bottomless human pits of seething rancor.

Populism – public opinions which jeapordise the financial or electoral prospects of politicians, and the wealthiest members of society whose interests they represent in Parliament. For example, anti-migrant hysteria propelling a referendum vote to leave the European Union; thereby depriving British businesses of skilled employees and trade.

David Cameron – a brave, noble and unfailingly principled former Prime Minister of Britain, from 2010-16; who conducted an honourable campaign during the EU referendum, and was let down – in fact, failed – by all around him; before being ultimately undone by the dark forces of populism, advanced through the pages of tabloid newspapers. Not to be confused with the David Cameron who was also Prime Minister of Britain between 2010-16; and whose hallmarks of shameless dishonesty, verbiage, race-baiting, and opportunistic exploitation of tabloid-fuelled popular misapprehensions backfired; all while having more than a year to prepare a contingency plan for the event of Brexit, and failing to do so, promptly resigned, leaving his colleagues to deal with the aftermath.

Post-truth – unprecedented era of the present; in which, for the first time ever, politicians and journalists make no distinction between factual and fictitious claims, provided it suits an expedient political purpose. While the origins remain unclear – chronologically, at least – the post-truth epoch appears to have emerged approximately one decade after the media and political representatives of Britain and America debated the urgent need to invade Iraq, due to its stockpiled weapons of mass destruction.

Fake news – inaccurate stories which bedevil the non-professional media; preventing sensible discussion of political issues, and thereby paving the way for misinformed consumers to vote for the wrong things – ultimately undermining democracy. Antonym: quality media.

Quality media: a wide array of hard-hitting news reports, or trenchant opinion pieces; impeccably researched and immaculately sourced by highly-trained and professionally-accredited journalists. Examples:

‘Firefighters rescue cat stuck up tree’ (St Helens Star)

‘Five thing you didn’t know about John McCain’s Penis’ (Gawker)

‘”Game of Thrones” Real-Life D.C. Counterparts: Election 2016 Edition’ (Rolling Stone)

‘How 2016 is like “the West Wing”‘ (CNN)

“My 8 year old said” – a source of precociously sensible political insight; provided by children whose words are subsequently deployed to shape media discourse. Example: “My 8 year old asked: why are the workers on strike, daddy? You haven’t received a pay rise in twenty years, yet you never complain”.

Snowflake – a young person, left with a timorous disposition by virtue of their political commitments; incapable of withstanding robust disagreement on subjects such as the natural inferiority of certain social groups to others.

Political correctness – oppressive phenomenon which has left many white people of middle years, upwards, living in a state of constant fear; lest their political opinions about the natural inferiority of certain social groups result in name-calling – or, worse, dispute.

Safe space – campus policy, jeapordising entire societies, through demanding that universities abide by equality legislation and prohibit exposure to anything discomfiting.

Burqa – item of clothing which deeply offends the sensitivities of sensible, white European males – who were historically oppressed by Muslim women; and consequently demand that they no longer be exposed to something they find discomfiting.

Identity politics – shameful modern phenomenon; which contributes directly to old white male oppression. What chance do old white males have in a society like Britain? As many as 100% of British prime ministers have been white; and that is a rate which can only decrease. What’s more, no fewer than two Prime Ministers have been female. Where there no men could enough for the job? How many premier league football players are over the age of seventy? None – that’s how many. And yet despite this level of persecution – suffered exclusively by those who are old, white, and male – identity politics focuses entirely on the experiences of gays, women, and ethnic minorities. Not sensible.

Electoral college – executive body which superseded a popular vote in the US Presidential contest; thereby depriving people of a sensible outcome.

Parliament – executive body which hasn’t superseded a popular vote in the EU referendum; thereby depriving people of a sensible outcome.

“Park tanks on lawn” – to adopt a political opponent’s rhetoric; with the sensible manoeuvre of not meaning it. Example: “The Prime Minister didn’t just park her tanks on the lawn, but dug up the grass and smashed down the garden shed” – i.e. duplicated her opponent’s rhetoric; minus the sincerity.

McDonalds – a key battleground in the factional warfare which erupted between the sensible and non-sensible wings of the Labour party, following its decision to refuse money from the company due to repeated abrogation of union rights. Provided a virtual reality potato-farming experience at the Conservative Party’s conference; much to chagrin of Sensible Labour, who missed out.

“I voted for x; but I didn’t vote for why” – aphorism: a metaphysical approach to democracy; whereby cause is separated from consequence, and the upshots are a matter of willpower alone. Example: “I voted to leave the EU; but I didn’t vote to be left poorer as a result”.

But – conjunction: belies appeasement, if not apologia. Example: “what the Islamist terrorists who murdered Charlie Hebdo’s cartoonists did was utterly unacceptable; BUT it shouldn’t lead to scapegoating of everybody who is Muslim”. Once put through the Google Filter of Sensible Political Views, this statement translates as: “what the heroic terrorists who understandably murdered Charlie Hebdo’s cartoonists did was acceptable; purple monkey dishwasher”.

Appeasement – attempts to prevent governments treating suspected criminals the same way they treat convicted criminals. A renowned gateway to fascism.

Fascism – nationalistic, authoritarian ideology or form of government; which persecutes religious minorities, oversees extra-judicial imprisonment, employs detention camps, and revels in warfare. Can only be foiled by sensible political commitments, such as patriotism, a robust approach to law and order, repressing public expressions of Muslim beliefs or identity, interring people in Guantanamo Bay, and bombing Middle Eastern countries on a regular basis.

Orwell, George – progenitor of sensible politics. Fought in the Spanish Civil War; before penning incisive screeds admonishing The Left, and reporting suspected communists to the British intelligence services.

Spanish Civil War – a military conflict conducted between 1936-39; in which sensible moderate forces led by George Orwell defeated both the right-wing fascists of General Franco, and the left-wing fascists of The Left; by engaging them in a robust battle of ideas through unflinching columns in the Observer newspaper.

Stop The War – all powerful protest group. Despite the British government’s involvement in continual wars for 18 years, in at least five different countries, Stop The War continue to frustrate sensible people through cynically relying upon empirical evidence to inform their standpoint, instead of simply endorsing Britain’s surgical strikes against evil.

Really – adverb: denotes sensible counsel. Example: “If Stop The War REALLY wanted to stop wars, they would be demanding that we go to war”.

Ad-hominem – childish name-calling: the preserve of  ivory tower-dwelling bien pensant bruschetta-nibbling prosecco-swilling socialist latte-sippers.

Victory – the act of failing to achieve one’s tactical and strategic goals, while leaving the enemy in complete control of the battlefield.