The Right-Minded View: Ukip’s New Leader, Paul Nuttall

I, for one, welcome the new leader of the UK’s foremost independence party.

You only need to know one thing about UKIP’s new leader, Paul Nuttall: he has neither confirmed, nor denied, having sex with a dead pig. That is the kind of caliber honest British patriots expect – no, demand – from their political representatives in this day and age.

It should not be taken as a potential flaw in the man’s character. After all, much the same could be said about David Cameron himself – and it didn’t prevent him rising to the ranks of Prime Minister, no less; without ever once accounting for such matters, publicly.

On a related note, Mr Nuttall is one of the few Liverpudlians who are not too proud to read The Sun newspaper. I say that both of these facets put him squarely in tune with the hopes and aspirations of ordinary voters.

What truly motivates Mr Nuttall can be summed-up quite simply, however: Britain. Indeed, Mr Nuttall works tirelessly for our country’s benefit – so much so that he placed a respectable 736th out of 756 Members of the European Parliament, in terms of parliamentary attendance. What’s more, he once finished a credible second – as the Conservative candidate – during the Sefton council election. Several years later, he improved on this – standing as a Ukip candidate in Bootle: successfully finishing fourth. Four is a higher number than two, as I’m sure we can all agree.

Mr Nuttall is by no means parochial, however. On the contrary, he takes bold inspiration from the continent: favouring the kind of robust immigration policies endorsed by successive German Chancellors, between the years 1932 and 1945.

It is in fact this very topic which forms the nexus of Mr Nuttall’s political philosophy. Nothing could be dearer to Ukip than the well-being of ordinary Britons. To that end, it is high-time to restore proper order to things, and enforce strict controls on immigration.

The influx of migration to British shores is not a recent phenomenon, by any means. On the contrary, the absence of border controls is a problem which has bedeviled Britain since the beginning of time – right back when foreign fish first left the ocean, and began walking on our land.

Many ordinary working-class trees and shrubs had very real concerns about these walking fish invading our shores. If you ask Mr Nuttall, he would rightly – no, proudly – aver that migrating fish should have stayed in their own prehistoric seas. This is not due to prejudice, for his part – but concern, for the past aquatic prosperity of foreign oceans.

Britain may not have had any walking fish of our own; but it was overcrowded with grains of sand, innumerable blades of grass, and far too many leaves to mention in one sitting. Allowing any old fish to walk straight into Britain was simply not cricket. Native species of plants sensed what was coming – their jobs, as organic features of the landscape, would be taken from them by the marauding shoals of amphibious creatures. Many millions of years later, this prospect remains no more or less plausible. 

And when you think about it, what possible benefits has migration ever had for Britain? Take Jewish Russians fleeing persecution back in the 19th century, for instance; who found a safe-haven in Britain, and set themselves up as tailors or shoe-makers, before creating trade unions. It’s not like any true-born Briton has ever had need of footwear, clothing, or employment protections, now, is it?

During the 18th century – right around the time when most of Mr Nuttall’s opinions had their genesis, as it should happen – numerous African migrants moved to Britain; with free transport on British-owned ships. Not a passport in sight. As Ukip would rightly have complained, had they been contemporary witnesses, migratory Africans subsequently undercut British wages, through working without pay.

Back in the 17th century there were the Huguenots – what with their silk-weaving, and copper-engraving, and Bank-of-England-founding, and all that. Well, what was wrong with the time-tested practice of simply burying money in your garden; and waiting for the coins to sprout into money-trees? Nothing, that’s what.

In fact, the list of detrimental impacts migrants have had upon Britain is almost endless. From Germanic tribes coming over here, and forcing us to speak their language – English; through Vikings, creating the entities of England and Scotland; all the way up to Normans, and their ‘judicial system’. When was the last time anyone had use for a judiciary, I ask you. Not in a month of Sundays.

And don’t get me started on the Romans. They should have stayed in their own country, instead of coming here, and introducing roads, and coins; towns and cities; words, and phrases. What was wrong with simply pointing and gesturing? A good, earthy grunt never let anyone down. Nothing wrong with living in a cave, either, if you ask me. As for money and transportation routes – when has the like ever been needed? Pish posh, I say.

Even the ice age wasn’t free from political correctness – nobody was allowed to mutter a word in anger against hunter-gatherers coming to Britain after the ice began to melt; let alone the first farmers refusing to integrate into the British hunter-gathering way of life, and sticking to their own agricultural ways instead. Admittedly, nobody else lived here at the time to make a complaint; but that is beside the point. Had anyone been present, you can rest assured no letters to the Daily Telegraph would have been allowed.

Indeed, for many centuries now, migrants have been pouring into Britain and influencing our nation’s language, cuisine, and economy. Well, it’s not on; and Mr Nuttall will ensure that the betterment of British life stops here.

There is simply no need for the foreign influence. None at all. Take Indians, for instance; coming to our country, and making us jalfrezis, and such like – what was wrong with an honest bowl of tepid water? If you want the sensation of spice, instead of importing foreign nonsense – like chilli – people can simply chew a nettle. Never did me any harm. It’s all well and good for the political cartel in Westminster to order tagliatelle and the like; but you can’t get a decent sheep’s head broth in a British cafe these days, for love nor money.

In sum, I welcome Mr Nuttall’s ascendancy. What has Johnny Foreigner ever done for us Britons? For our culture, heritage, and way of life? Nothing on a par with Ukip’s bold scheme to restore the proper order of things, by bringing back smoking in pubs; along with capital punishment.