A New Place Of Exile

Richard Hutton

Category: Reginald Horace

Diary Of Reginald Horace (2nd August 2015)

I have been reading several thought-provoking pieces lately, in the more sensible publications, about the Calais migrant crisis.

I can’t help but feel that those people demanding that we ‘send them back’ (I paraphrase their right-thinking commonsense, for brevity’s sake), may have been unduly influenced by the P.C. brigade – or perhaps have merely fallen prey to their own good nature and humanitarian instincts?

I am not an expert, but my newsagent, Mr Lynton Crosby (in his moments of sobriety, he remains as warm-hearted a fellow as one could wish to avoid), has read one or two periodicals about this sort of thing; and according to him, modern non-scientific techniques have identified what he calls the ‘asylum-seeking gene’ (“fifth gene on the left” he says, with a nod). It is a consensus among the non-scientific community – and therefore in-keeping with the spirit of our times – that people who live in war-zones, with harsh governing regimes – and who are subject to persecution – have an inexplicable 95% genetic predisposition (with a 5% margin for error) of seeking refuge at some point in life.

Therefore rather than ‘sending them back’, as our most compassionate and anonymous journalists suggest, we really ought to nip this sort of thing in the bud, by giving these people a good, sound talking to – setting them on the straight and narrow, so to speak. Only thus can we prevent this problem arising in the first place. All right-thinking people will therefore surely agree with Professor Theresa May from the Crocodile Tears Foundation For Humane Gestures, when she says that “By the bayonet or the bullet, they shall not pass. For their own good, of course”.

One of the great problems of democracy, as we all know, is that people will insist on having their own opinion about such things. It falls to the right-thinking – the decent among us – to set them straight. In short, the only way to keep things civilised, and retain our moral superiority to brutal foreign regimes, is by using the iron fist of compassion.


Diary Of Reginald Horace – 24th June 2015

Can we really prevent people from living in “poverty”? (I use quotation marks here, because of course, there is no such thing as being poor. These people are manifestly gifted solid gold mansions, season tickets to Westham Villa games, and compilations of gangsta rap by the welfare state on a daily basis).

I am not an expert, but I know a tavern landlord who has read one or two periodicals on the subject; and according to him, the non-scientific community has identified what he refers to as the ‘poverty gene’ (“fifth gene on the left” he says – with a knowing look).

It is a simple fact that parents who live on low incomes, in the poorest areas, experience a 95% likelihood (with a 5% margin for error) to have children who are poor. All right-thinking people must surely agree with Professor David Cameron when he explains that “money has nothing to do with poverty – it is merely a matter of genetics”; and with Professor Iain Duncan Smith, from the Faith-Based Institute for Social Justice, when he adds “what’s the use of punishing the poor, if some do-gooder only goes and redistributes wealth anyway?”.

Where there is a high level of impoverishment in our country, however, is in terms of moral fibre. Now, I am certainly not Left-leaning – but I know several people who are left-handed, and conferring with them affords a degree of insight into such things, for those of us who are sensible. What’s more, there is something about tradition and simplicity, that always has a place. Therefore, it seems self-evident to me that there is a simple commonsense solution to this conundrum: town-square stocks must be reintroduced into every city, town, and village throughout the land – whereby the “poor” (see above) can be hectored, belittled, and pelted with the old five-a-days by members of the public. For their own benefit, of course.

This would achieve several things: for one, it would improve people’s moral fibre; for another it would use up ‘still fresh’ fruit and vegetables with no need to donate them to communist entities, such as Foodbanks; and what’s more, it would provide young people with a good, old-fashioned communal activity. Since Guardian readers and similar nefarious sorts are constantly going on at length about the virtues of recycling/environmentalism/the young etc, their only objection to this would be the moral fibre aspect of the scheme – which we can safely ignore, as it merely confirms them for the decadents they are.

Of course in my day, child poverty was cured by the simple expedient of a paper round; and I am more than happy to refer the more recalcitrant “poor” to my local newsagents, as run by Mr Lynton Crosby (in his moments of sobriety, as warm-hearted a fellow as one could wish to avoid). Professors Cameron and Smith are right: only by dealing harshly with ne’er-do-wells can we ever expect them to become as morally upstanding as ourselves.

Electoral Diary Of Reginald Horace – 6th May

I am not perfect, as I would be the last to admit, but I have always believed in the virtues of self-sufficiency; and reminding the young of their place in society. So, I felt more than justified in canvassing at the local University campus yesterday. It was therefore jarring to hear a number of students complaining about tuition fees.

‘There are alternatives to University’, I pointed out. ‘For example, only a few weeks ago, I purchased an excellent book of cartoons called ‘The Idiot’s Guide To Maths And Stuff’, from a local branch of Oxfam – though I didn’t much care for the title, the content was beyond reproach. It promised – no, vowed – to leave the reader with a GCSE’s-worth of knowledge, in little more than two hours. This is exactly the kind of skill business needs, if hardworking people are to successfully avoid handing over more hard-earned coin than is strictly necessary to the scrounger state. Despite being second hand, the 45 pence asking price was less a bargain than a steal for anybody who is right-minded and financially-aspirational. In my opinion, in fact, this should be the model for all future education programmes.

The usual nay-sayers will protest, no doubt, but the fact is that in these straitened times belts must be tightened, for the good of the nation; and I for one wouldn’t want to see wealth creators in the city, or government ministers, going short simply in order for little Johnny-pay-no-tax to loaf around his student digs, ‘studying’ for a degree; having his head filled with highfalutin nonsense by bearded know-alls. In my view important decisions should be left to our elected politicians, who are in a position to know what is best for all of us. All fair-minded observers will agree that this is no more than commonsense’.

A strong commanding performance by all accounts; even if I do say so myself.

Electoral Diary Of Reginald Horace – 5th May

It is high time that the electorate remembered their place, and stopped imagining that this election is all about them. We are not voting for our benefit, but for that of people who really matter: namely, our betters – newspaper owners, for example; or different newspaper owners. The public have forfeited the confidence of the Prime Minister on this – they have failed to live up to expected standards, and he is right to point out that they have let themselves, and especially him, down in the process. Instead of embracing the Big Society, they continue to bemoan hunger and poverty; or complain about inequality.

You never hear Mr Murdoch, or Mr Lebedev mention these things. No. This is because they simply have better manners than to do so. And they are right to suggest that a vote for Ed Miliband would be a disaster for the country. If we are all perfectly honest with ourselves, when we look at Miliband, don’t we see the demeanour of somebody who might witness these two gentlemen drop crumbs onto the carpet, and discreetly tread them in; rather than do the sensible thing and blame the dog (a habitual scrounger) while scuttling around with a dustpan and brush?

We live in an era of unparalleled prosperity for ordinary, hard-working people such as Messers Lebedev and Murdoch. This may very well be jeapordised unless the British public demonstrate the same steely resolve shown by the citizens of Pompeii, and vote Conservative.

Electoral Diary Of Reginald Horace – 29th April

I for one welcome today’s announcement about freezing taxes. No doubt the usual sorts will complain that this is simply a case of pledging to underfund public services in perpetuity, and that the poor will lose out, while the wealthy gain – they may even go so far as to claim that this is the whole point, in fact; but they are wrong, as usual.

Do we really need public services at all? For example, hospitals – is it really beyond the pale to suggest that people who are ill should simply take half a paracetamol, and just find a quiet place to lie down, so that the rest of us will not be bothered by them? I have certainly never been ill myself – because I had more sense. Besides, if I did spend time on a recovery ward of one kind or another, it has no bearing on the present.

Schools are an unnecessary expense for a prosperous nation as well. I received little formal education, but have found that skim-reading the papers now and then is a very good way to compensate for this. Just look at the virtuous wealth creators in the City, for example, who do so much for the good of the people: you would be hard-pressed to find anybody among them who had so much as read a book; let alone idled about reading several, or even been within walking-distance of an educational establishment. They certainly didn’t waste time ‘studying’ mickey-mouse degrees in chemistry, or literature, unlike GPs and teachers, or similar nefarious sorts.

And what of the police? Can society function without them? Well, if we are honest with ourselves, don’t we know exactly what type of person will go on to lead a life of crime well beforehand? We can do away with expenditure on the police force, simply by taking anybody called Darren or ‘Shaz’, and locking them up from day one.

All told, this is a bold, optimistic, carefully considered, election-winning promise: and it simply serves to show how hollow the pretensions of these so-called liberals are – that they talk about equality, while demanding that the wealthy pay a higher-rate of tax than the poor.

Electoral Diary Of Reginald Horace – 26th April

There is no truer saying than ‘class will out’ and David Cameron has class by the barrowful. It is reflected first and foremost in his choice of ties. With regard to making economics the focal point of his campaign, however, he is right to rule out apologising for something he hasn’t even done – I never apologise for things I have done, let alone things I have not.

Leftists may very well complain about the Tory election campaign being unpleasant and personal; but they are wrong, as usual. You never hear Cameron mention disagreeable things, such as poverty or inequality; and when was the last time he complained about having an insufficient income to live on; or mentioned having to choose between buying food and paying heating bills? Never – because he simply has better manners than to make the personal political.

If this election has shown us anything, it is that people reap what they sow. And if Cameron does lose, it will be everybody else’s fault except his.

Electoral Diary Of Reginald Horace – 25th April

I for one welcome the Home Secretary’s statements today. Allowing Scottish people a say in how their country should be run would not be democratic. Allowing right-thinking Scottish people a say is the way forward, so that they may democratically do exactly what we say is good for them.

The best example of this is set by a simple comparison of Ms May to Ms Sturgeon. Whereas Theresa May is a jolly sort of person, who firmly believes in the maxim “there is far more life to be lived when you’re wrong”, her counterpart disagreeably insists on talking about fairness, and the problems of inequality. You never hear Theresa May mention these things, for the very simple reason that she has better manners than to do so.

What’s more, the Home Secretary is a firm believer in law and order. On this she is right. Nobody cares more about keeping this country safe and respectable than I; but if anybody does it is Ms May. To put it mildly, I am appalled by the fact that there is a closed-circuit television camera for every fifty citizens in our country. At the very least, we should have one each; and in that way be able to keep close tabs on our more questionable neighbours; such as those with north-of-the border accents. Our country has a sterling history in this regard. The signatories of Magna Carta would never have stood for any oversight; and as I have always said ‘if it was good enough for our forefathers 800 years ago, then it’s good enough for me’. They may not have had closed-circuit cameras back then, for all I know; but they certainly had village gossips. There is little difference.

It is of no minor comfort that Theresa May took bold steps towards realising much this same vision during the past few years. This is because she knows that crime rates will only drop for good when those suspected of criminal intent are safely in prison. No doubt leftists will gainsay at this point, and suggest that locking people up before a crime has been committed is a touch severe; but they merely over-think such things. This is not a charge anybody could level at Theresa May.

Electoral Diary Of Reginald Horace – 24th April

Was compelled to write a letter to the local newspaper for the second time in as many days.

Dear Sirs,

I recently read with surprise – in fact, disgust – the suggestion that we need to create a more equal society in order to avoid social problems developing.

Of course social problems require those of us with a keen conscience to take command, and apply commonsense. It seems to me, however, that there is only one solution to poverty; and it is really very simple: we must reintroduce stocks, in every city, town, or village in the land.

We should then take “the poor” (I use quotation marks here, since the state manifestly gifts these people mansions, sailing vessels, private train carriages, landed estates in the greenbelts, and compilations of gangsta rap and the like on a daily basis) and subject them to a short, sharp spell of being hectored and belittled by members of the public. For their own good of course.

This would achieve several things: for one, it would improve their moral fibre; for another, it would use up ‘still fresh’ fruit and vegetables – with no need to take up valuable space in landfills; and what’s more, it would provide young people with a communal activity. Since leftists are always complaining about the virtues of recycling and environmentalism etc, their only objection would be to the moral uplift aspect of this scheme – thereby proving themselves the decadents they surely are.

It really is high time that self-made people got to determine the most fitting targets of popular exasperation; unlike the ‘poor’, who control every aspect of their personal circumstances, and therefore have nothing to complain about.

yours sincerely

Reginald Horace

Electoral Diary Of Reginald Horace – 19th April

Was compelled to write a letter to the local paper today. The text was as follows, and explains the circumstance:

Dear Sirs,

I am appalled at the something-for-nothing attitude of so-called public servants these days. Only yesterday, I noticed that a chip-wrapper had been dropped in my front-garden – no doubt casually strewn by some juvenile delinquent, probably under the influence of modern music, who had grown up with too many rights, and not enough responsibilities.

I contacted, in quick succession, the council refuse department, the local social services bureau, the regional registrar’s office, and the police station, before finally dialing 999. To my surprise – in fact, disgust – the reactions I got can at best be described as dismissive – and in the case of one young jobsworth, was positively derisory.

I consider it my duty to point out that all of the officials concerned were of an unprepossessing demeanour – and in the case of the aforementioned young ‘gentleman’, very much in need of a swift lesson in personal grooming.

Far too many people think that these kind of incidents are merely the product of overheated imaginations purveyed in the tabloid press; but that is evidently not the case. What’s more, I have no doubt that fair-minded readers will agree this provides irrefutable evidence that such offices should be privatised forthwith. By contrast to all of the above, the sympathy I received when mentioning this at my local tavern was beyond reproach. This is because hard-working people know which side of their bread the butter is on, and service is delivered very much with a person’s dignity in mind.

yours faithfully

Reginald Horace

Electoral Diary Of Reginald Horace – 15th April

Gave speech at convention for elderly voters yesterday afternoon. Audience surprisingly militant throughout. I had expected better from our senior citizens, and told them so. Served to worsen matters; rather than remedy them. I do really, really dislike it when well argued, carefully reasoned – and engagingly explained – points are ignored, simply because someone might have been offended. “No one abhors the nanny state more than I,” I had begun, “but my position has not changed. I vow to support those who – whether due to their own fecklessness or not, it is not for me to say – must perforce rely solely upon state pension hand-outs for their income.” The heckling which ensued was unwarranted. None of the other guest-speakers were treated this way, as I pointed out several times.

Afterwards, myself and Mrs Horace did the meet-and-greet rounds over wine and vittles. Mrs Horace was the soul of the occasion, until a former Major (retired) offered her his hand. Unfortunately, my wife mistook his intentions, which lead to quite a scene. Was simply mortified. The society pages in the local gazette today were ablaze with ribaldry – very little of it accurate, I might add. I would like to state for the record that my words were also taken out of context by this scurrilous publication. When I asked the audience “Why should hardworking taxpayers hand over hard-earned coin so that retired public-sector free-loaders can get a world class hospital to use?”I answered the question myself: “Instead, we should just leave everything to the free market, which will sort it all out in the end, and give everyone exactly what they deserve”. You can rest assured, the answer was omitted from the Gazette’s account of matters. Disgraceful; yet entirely expected.