(Transcribed from the French via Google Translate)
“When I was a young girl, I dreamed of becoming a baguette; but one day my pet canary developed hemorrhoids. That is why I joined the Front National.
*applause from audience*
My vision for France is a simple one: a country based upon traditional French values – such as the good-natured public execution of aristocrats, and knitting; though with a modern twist. From giving freedom fries their proper name once more, to reinvigorating the secular values of the Christian church – we will put the ‘the’ back into France.
Only the Front National offers France a five-point programme, rooted in sound right-thinking; which will place the reins of destiny into the hands of our sovereign people once more:
1) A French First policy – all greengrocers will be required to put native-grown fruit and vegetables at the forefront of their shelves. Any foodstuffs which contain traces of minority-religion prayer will be placed firmly at the back. We will ensure that France’s children learn to value the merits of an honest French potato.
2) Controlled borders – every single A4 sheet of paper used in any offices throughout the land, will have fixed margin spaces. No ifs; no buts.
3) A Citizenship Test – we will examine whether people are genuinely French, through subjecting all people to the mandatory scientific measurement of their knees, ankles, and elbows.
4) Traditional values – our government will ensure that all public buildings contain only native-made chairs and tables: ones with good solid, wooden legs; not seductive foreign types, whose elegant designs could tempt the virtue of impressionable youths.
5) Commonsense – we will widen the Channel Tunnel by no less than thirty centimeters, so that horses may line up sideways in train carriages.
But this is only the beginning.
To strengthen our nation, we must increase birth-rates – to that end, every French citizen will be given a set of formal instructions on how to perform the whole how’s-your-father-business with maximum efficiency; and will be expected to participate at least once every five years. For many members of the general public, this will mean much less of the old please-and-thank-you’s; for many of our supporters, however, it will mean much, much more.
That is not all, however. To purify our land, we must deport all foreign root-vegetables; and keep French orchards free from the alien fruit crop. There will be no more breeding permitted between different grape-varieties – not in our back vineyard, thank you. What’s more, we will stop the European Union imposing Brussels sprouts on French plates. The separation of cuisine and the state will be re-bridged. To that end, every citizen of France will be presented at birth with a loaf of indigenous bread, and a native-farmed packet of butter.
Furthermore, we will take bold steps towards halting the Islamisation of our country. It is an open secret that 1 in 5 Muslims account for 20% of the Muslim population; while as many as 2 in 5 Muslims comprise no less than 40%. It’s not yet clear what this means, but it clearly means something; and we cannot afford to be complacent. Many people believe that Muslims will travel to France, buy weapons, and engage in random acts of senseless violence. We suspect that they won’t integrate into our way of life quite so successfully, however.
Therefore, we shall apply a three-step assimilation programme, based upon adopting traditional French values, from day one: Liberty for all people – except for law-abiding criminals, who must be punished. Equality for all people – though some shall rightly be more equal than others. Fraternity for all people – those whom we wish to boot out of the country as soon as possible, not withstanding. Only when these values have been taken to heart by newcomers to our land, will the decent among us be able to sleep soundly in our beds at night.
Finally, our economic vision will make France stand proud once more, through the simple expedient of ending open-door migration. ‘Why do we need so many doors from overseas?’, we might well ask. What about indigenous French doors? We will also tackle the migratory challenge facing Europe – flocks of swallows, housemartins and the odd swift or two arriving from foreign shores, usurping the jobs of native species – such as pigeons, and ducks.
Now, let us hear no more nonsense about improving employment rights; and focus instead on the type of policies which – certainly if the newspapers are correct – are not only necessary, but will prove a roaring success. While I cannot promise to increase the number of post offices in rural areas, for instance, I vow to decrease the number of rural areas, at the very least. What’s more, we can end poverty-wages simply by doing away with wages altogether; and stop homelessness, by making select use of prisons. What people need is not effective government, after all, but the iron-fist of compassion.
Tomorrow belongs to us”.
*applause from audience*
Update: the Front National failed to win any region in the final round of the 2015 elections.