A New Place Of Exile

Richard Hutton

The Right-Minded View: Tony Blair dispenses wisdom to the grateful tribes-people of Remainia.

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And Lo, Moses came down from Mount Sinai, slightly the worse for wear; clutching several stone tablets, engraved with Divine Inspiration. The tribes-people gathered in hushed awe – awaiting their commandments.

“Behold,” Moses began; “all ye need know on earth is this: Tony Blair won three elections”.

The crowd gasped, unanimously. “Tony Blair won three elections?” asked a lowly tribesman. “Can it be true?”. “That’s correct” replied Moses, with a sweep of his arm. “Tony Blair won three elections – therefore he is omniscient”.

Hearing this, Tony Blair modestly clambered atop an austere rock; with a look of benign magnanimity upon his noble brow. The tribesfolk put their newly-minted golden calf aside, and beheld this new idol with reverence. “Ask me anything” Tony Blair declared “and I will answer truthfully”.

“What’s two plus two?” shouted a rambunctious millennial; with a look of Trotsky Entryism about their demeanor. “Why, the answer is five” Tony Blair replied – gracefully blowing dust off his finger nails as he did so. The crowd burst into applause. “Next question, please” Tony Blair demurred.

“Wait a minute,” interpolated an elderly fellow at the back of the crowd, “that’s not true”. “Of course it’s true!” snapped Moses. “Tony Blair says it’s true, and he won three elections! It is therefore irrefutable”. “Yes, but, no…” the old man continued. “You can count it out on your own fingers, and see for yourself it’s demonstrably untrue. Look – one, two; three, four. The answer is four. Two plus two, equals four”.

The crowd began to murmur fractiously. The atmosphere soured. “Can it be true?” asked a tribes-woman. “Could Tony Blair be wrong about something? Does he not have all the answers to life’s questions, after all?”.

Anxiety filled the air – until finally Moses restored sense. “Two plus two can’t be four” Moses explained; “because Tony Blair says it isn’t, and he won three elections”. The tribesmen and women cheered as one; showering Tony Blair with the Sinai’s very finest grains of sand.

The following day, Moses followed Tony Blair’s advice, and led his tribe into the desert – where they would walk around in a circle for 40 years; while Tony Blair took up his allotted position as Pharaoh’s PR advisor, helping to restore the Egyptian public’s faith in his tactical acumen after the whole Red Sea thing.

The end.

 

p.s. things haven’t been going so well lately, so I will be taking some time off from writing. Keep well.

The Right-Minded View: PMQs – January 2017.

There are two broad purviews on Prime Minister’s Questions. Many people contend that it is largely a waste of everybody’s time – a shoulder-shruggathon, if you will; whereby gossipy-snips write about Parliamentary affairs as if the whole matter was a particularly underwhelming soap opera: superimposing whatever narrative happens to be convenient to their own personal inclinations and ego. Moreover, some even go so far as to suggest that this comprehensively fails the public interest, and undermines the whole purpose of journalism – to the detriment of us all – at one stroke.

Others look at it a different way, however; and conclude that it is the best thing since the sliced proverbial; or at least, since the cup-holder umbrella. I, for one, favour the second view; because of reasons, and stuff.

It therefore behooves me to commend an outstanding performance throughout this week’s bout from the Prime Minister: responding to even the least robust of questions with a truly awe-inspiring evasiveness; while expertly handling a variety of styles. From quick fire gangsta rap exchanges; to death metal panache – replete with cookie monster vocals.

For example, the Parliamentary Leader of the Scottish National Party asked if the Prime Minister would agree that the recent bout of cold weather throughout Britain demonstrates the need for an independent Scotland – prompting Ms May to spend a moment praising the Dark Lord, before growling “cookie, cookie, cookie”, and then sacrificing a paper clip to appease his satanic majesty. This is the sort of thing that young people go in for, I hear.

Then the Leader of the Liberal Democrats asked for a guarantee that Britain would retain access to the single European Market. Channeling the inner thug, the Prime Minister replied: “there is ghon be no attempts ta stay within tha European Union. Tha playaz of Britain voted fo’ Brexit – we is all Brexitas now, nahmeean?”; before presenting a thugged-out document to the House of Commons. The Prime Minister then explained that “da Posse whoz ass want Britain ta stay up in tha EU single market” needed a “realitizzle check” and “ta stop behavin’ as though you livin’ up in a gangbangin’ fantasy ghetto”.

Then we come to the Leader of the Opposition, Mr Corbyn – asking impertinent questions, about trifling matters, in an unelectable manner. I mean, are we supposed to fixate on something as trivial as Britain’s future export markets, while there is a burnt-toast crisis facing our country? I rather think not. Pull yourself together, people – it’s a question of priorities.

By contrast, PM May was seriosity personified – emitting aplomb from every orifice. In a word – runcible. Concerned with only the most pressing matters – such as Britain’s future export markets.

To conclude proceedings, Theresa May then patriotically passed around a plate of the all-British-ingredient equivalents of Ferrero Rocher. “Prime Minister, with these marmite-encrusted scotch eggs you are really spoiling us” announced one Tory MP, to the delight of all.

And with that, Prime Minister’s Questions was won – fo’ shizzle.

 

The Right-Minded View: The Positives Of Global Warming

According to the Daily Mail, 97% of scientists are wrong about global warming. A damning statistic in its own right, you may think. Worse still, however, is the evident bias at work in media coverage on the issue.

3% of statistics should not be dismissed so lightly, I say – good things might come from global warming. Warmer weather is obvious. There are many positives which spring less immediately to mind, however.

For one thing, it will lead to an opening of sea routes through places like Birmingham, and most of Wales. For another – and on much the same tack – any house which is currently 50 or so miles inland will become waterfront property. Just think about the increased property values.

Should that fail to convince, then simply consider the following examples – by no means intended to be exhaustive:

  • Underwater archaeology will thrive.
  • The jobs-market in manufacturing air-conditioners will boom.
  • Farmers will be able to grow oranges in the northern-most points of Scotland.
  • People will be able to go scuba-diving along what used to be Regent Street; or snorkeling through the abandoned corridors of Heathrow airport.
  • All the malaria mosquitoes a naturalist could hope to find in breeding-grounds as far afield as Cornwall and Yorkshire.
  • Geologists need travel to the Sahara no more – they will be free to collect an array of sands from the deserts of Scunthorpe and Widnes instead.
  • On a similar note, Death Valley will finally be opened up to a bit of competition over which is the least inhabited location on earth – a boon for any area which takes the title; be it Manchester, or Oslo.
  • Museums will be able to display innumerable galleries of newly extinct species – such as bees, and polar bears. Just think of how popular dodo exhibits are – ticket sales will soar when the tarantula goes.
  • Moats will receive a new lease of life in the average family garden.
  • Have an aversion to travelling through mountain ranges? Then worry no further – as water rises, even the humblest of ferries will be able to sail gracefully over their very summit.
  • Global shortages of basic foodstuffs will end Britain and America’s respective obesity crises, forthwith. You can’t say fairer than that.
  • And finally, we all know that scientists love to examine the remains of civilizations which perished in natural disasters. Usually their efforts are limited to relics, many thousands of years old. Well, not anymore.

Hopefully, these prospects will have changed a few minds. So far as I can tell, this account of matters is 100% factual; and backed by all the science known to science.

The Right-Minded View: Opposites Attract

Donald Trump was a man – Theresa May was a woman. It seemed as if they were just too different to get along.

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He wanted to build walls – she wanted to salt the earth with the tears of widows and orphans.

But she looked past the fake-tan, and saw the insecure tyrant within. He saw through the vacuous materialism – and gazing into her abyss, her abyss gazed into him.

Together, they combined the timelessness of a nylon rug with the kind of moxy that built the pyramids.

But would she sell him her nation’s health service – or her soul?

Opposites Attract: A Love Story – available at all good horror movie outlets now.

The Right-Minded View: The NHS Crisis.

While it may be true that the NHS currently faces the worst crisis since the last time Conservatives were in government, for reasons which defy any obvious explanation; I say let us not be too hasty with our conclusions.

All that health-treatment does is cure illness; it certainly doesn’t teach people the virtues of self-reliance. Instead of tackling the root cause of broken legs, dependence on medicine teaches the contrary: that it is okay to fall down a flight of stairs, because hospitals will take care of the problem for you.

Rather than spend money on patient care, therefore, I believe that the free-market offers a potential solution here. For instance, why should bacteria have its aspirations inhibited by the red-tape of inoculations, and the like; instead of being free to achieve its ambitions? Let illness and injury compete on a level playing field, I say.

Sure, some people will fall by the wayside, and – to use the emotive idiom favoured by the Left – die; but a bit of fatality never did anyone any harm in the long-run. On the contrary, it represents a success story, in the market of pathogens.

Far worse in my view, however, is the sight of GPs complaining about working a seven-day week. Well, I say it is simply not enough. Nevermind a seven-day week, I used to work a seven-week day; and it never did me any harm.

If doctors are unwilling to take a leaf out of my book, however, then they might at least follow the good example set by our country’s virtuous government ministers – who do so much for the benefit of the land. You never hear them bemoan being overworked or underpaid. That is because they simply have better manners than to do so. Besides, when they are a bit short, they don’t complain; they merely award themselves a pay-rise instead. A better example of conscientious probity I have yet to witness.

And is it really beyond the pale to ask whether we actually need doctors and nurses in the first place? Or to suggest that people who are unwell – perhaps a bit gangrenous in certain parts (don’t ask, don’t tell is the watchword here) – simply take half an aspirin, and find a quiet corner to lie down in; so as not to inconvenience the rest of us? Is there any good reason to invest large sums of money in expensive hospital beds, and pricey wards, when a flattened-cardboard box in the middle of a street serves much the same purpose? I would wager not.

What’s more, British people can be their own medical experts, these days. Not only would it save on the public purse if people eschew visiting surgeries, and seek advice from a local newsagent instead; but it would mean that the £350 million per week, previously pledged to the NHS, could be devoted to a more worthwhile endeavour – like increased subsidies for private providers, operating within the National Health Service.

No, I say steady the course, PM May. This bold policy of creating a doctor-free health service is a marvel for all to behold.

The Right-Minded View: The Prime Minister’s vision of a Shared Society.

Now when Prime Minister May saw the crowds of journalists, she went up on a podium and she began to teach them:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is a redefined definition of poverty.

Blessed are those who hunger, for they shall be satisfied by the local foodbank.

Blessed are the meek, for those who know their place, and play by the rules, shall benefit from a cut to inheritance tax.

Blessed are you when you make handsome, if discreet, donations; rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in the House of Lords.

Blessed are the hedge fund managers, for they shall reap what others sow.

Blessed are the healers, who are willing to work seven days a week, for five-days’ worth salary.

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, this only breeds dependency. It’s high-time that your neighbours learned to stand on their own two legs, and pulled themselves up by the bootstraps.

Ask for a handout, and it will no longer be given. Which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? All of you should, if you want to impart a valuable life-lesson in self-sufficiency.

Ensure that you practice your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have a reward from your admirers in the press.

Do not think that I have come to uphold the Laws; I have not come to fulfill, but to abolish them. Specifically those concerning human rights.

You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.’ But I say to you, sometimes it’s expedient to be creative with the truth. Let what you say be simply ‘it means what it means’, or ‘I do not accept that'”.

And when the Prime Minister finished these sayings, the journalists were astonished, for she was teaching them as one who had a teleprompter, and had not just replicated her predecessor’s pabulum on the same theme. Then the sick and the lame were brought to her, and put through a work capability assessment; consequently they were declared fit and healthy once more.

Afterwards, the Prime Minister entered a temple, and congratulated the wealth-creators within for their free enterprise – praising their aspirations. The high rates of usury, and the absence of red-tape – which the Prime Minister had guaranteed – ensured that they would not take their business elsewhere.

They’re Not Like Us (A Reverse Poem)

They’re not like us
So do not be naive enough to think that
We will find them to be like us
With only a bit of thought and friendship
They’re so unwilling to adopt our way of life
Is it any wonder
If people are distrustful and unwelcoming
It makes everyone afraid
Knowing strangers might hate you and hurt you
They’re not like us
Is it fair to say
Our behaviour might be the problem
When we find their customs and ways so strange
They keep to their own
So is it unreasonable that
We keep to our own
Why do people think they’re not like us
It’s not difficult to answer the question
Hearing a strange language seeing strange clothes
In the middle of a crowd with strange faces
How can you expect to feel at home
When you’re no longer surrounded by people you know
It hardly fills you with confidence
Complaining all the time about our country
Hearing people
Who don’t fit in
Always moaning about those
Ordinary British things like tea and chips or
All the things that make Britain what it is
When you think of
People coming here and changing our culture
The British way of life has always been about
What is unique to us
What is normal and ordinary
But when you think about it
They’re not like us
There’s nothing wrong with saying
How they are
It’s not too much to ask them
To fit in with us
Ordinary Britons
Who see little but resentment from
These people
How can we expect
To feel at home in our country anymore
And no-one ever asks them
To move half way around the world
They’ve managed
To take jobs and houses too
People around them would have needed
That can’t be right
If they don’t like our ways at all
Why do they move to our country
These people are so strange
So do not tell me
It isn’t fair to assume the worst
It isn’t right to be called names
You’re only judging by what you see
Which is so out of the ordinary
What do foreigners bring with them into Britain
If you think about it
All sorts of things which seem peculiar
Sometimes people fear
These things are not so simple but
Please think on
Do not be too quick to judge
When somebody says they’re not like us

[Now read from bottom to top]

A Pledge of Allegiance To British Values

 

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I pledge allegiance to Britain and its resplendent jams (and magnificent biscuits),
Salute the Royal Yacht,
Support Brexit,
Oppose casual littering,
Believe strongly that you should be able to hear the lyrics in modern music
(too often you can’t, I say),
And object to the general absence of moral fibre in the young these days.
Also, you get far too many leaflets posted through your front door.
As far as I’m concerned it really is not on –
The council ought to crackdown on this racket, as a matter of urgency.
Bring back national service.
Lest we forget.

The Encyclopedia of Sensible Politics

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Sensible – noun: a person whose political views only ever accord with the dictates of common wisdom, while occupying the straits of prudence. Synonym: centrist.

Centrist – an adherent of Centrism.

Centrism – a political reflection of the Centre.

Centre – location on the political spectrum, occupied by Centrists.

Centrists – plural of Centrist.

Centrist –  an adherent of Centrism.

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Castro, Fidel – an oppressive, Cold War-era South American dictator. Opposed by sensible Cuban moderates in exile; who dream of the day that a present-day successor to General Pinochet will liberate their benighted land, and restore centrism.

Democracy – 1) a vital prerequisite for the historical legitimacy of any left-wing government.  2) a superfluous point of concern regarding a lucrative trading partner.

Saudi Arabia – procurers of Britain’s weaponry; currently waging a regrettably necessary war in Yemen.

Yemen – a war being waged by Saudi Arabia; resulting in the regrettable but unavoidable mass casualties among the civilian population. Antonym: Syria.

Syria – a war being waged by Russia; resulting in a terrible and avoidable loss of life among innocent civilians.

Gesture politics – suspending the sale of armaments to an ally involved in a war, when the weaponry is being used to kill civilians. A more sensible, commonsense approach is to continue the sale of weapons, but express regret at the loss of life occurring as a result of bombing campaigns.

Commonsense – application of basic logic to a conundrum. Example: “the accidental humanitarian bombing of civilians can only be mitigated by more precise bombing; rather than an end to bombing”.

condemned

Condemn – imperative action, to be undertaken during any ongoing military/humanitarian catastrophe facilitated by a foreign nation’s government. Example: “In light of this latest bombing campaign, The Left must condemn Russia for supplying Syria’s government with weaponry – which is costing civilians their lives”.

Re-condemn – even more imperative action, in which condemnation must be reiterated upon request. Example: “It’s not enough to merely condemn – you must now re-condemn Russia for supplying Syria’s government with weaponry”.

Tony Blair – former Prime Minister of Britain; winner of three general elections, and liberator of Iraq. In 2003, the United Kingdom was a mere 45 minutes away from certain annihilation – yet Tony Blair saved it, single-handedly; only to see the three general elections he had won become marginalised in the public consciousness by the hundred-thousand or so fatalities which arose as an incidental byproduct of the war effort. See the 12 volumes of ingratitude published by Chilcot Inquiry.

Conspiracy theory – preposterous conjecture, rooted in unreflective paranoia; which eschews evidence-based assessments of complex issues in favour of ideologically-driven, politically expedient conclusions.

Vladimir Putin – all-powerful villain, of the designation ‘super’. It is almost certain, on a 52/48 basis, that his interference prevented sensible outcomes to the US Presidential election, the EU Referendum, and possibly also the Sleaford by-election as well. Believed to have ensured Hillary Clinton would lose the Presidency via a Manchurian Candidate scenario; in which Russian operatives hacked into Hillary Clinton’s personal email account, and deployed subliminal spam messages, thereby reprogramming her to run an ineffectual campaign rooted in open indifference towards her own vote-base.

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Hillary Clinton – the sensible candidate in America’s Presidential contest of 2016. Subject to a number of conspiracy theories, peddled by non-sensible types. For example, one such theory posits that Clinton’s own shoddy and obnoxious campaign tactics backfired when they were deployed against her to better effect by a more unscrupulous opponent. A further theory has it that Clinton was perfectly capable of mobilising Democrats behind her, but needed political commitments which would antagonise the many vested interests who had bankrolled her campaign; and that having been gifted the most beatable Republican opponent in history, if Clinton had made so many compromises that she was unable to conduct the campaign required, had no one to blame for the outcome but herself.

Momentum – an all-powerful group of far-left insurgents; who – having lain in wait for decades – recently decided to infiltrate the British Labour party en masse, and spring their revolutionary coup forthwith. Renowned for online-thuggery.

Far-left – people whose idea of progressive politics insensibly results in them renouncing conservatism, rather than abiding by it.

Infiltrate – submit an application for membership.

Online-thuggery – being impolite on social media forums. Example: calling people ‘Tories’, just because they have expressed support for the Conservative Party, and approve of its policies.

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Pfizer – a heroic pharmaceutical company, working for the sake of all humanity; on a for-profit basis.

Wingman promise – a pledge which adorns men’s grooming products, produced by the Wingman company: loyalty, confidence, and banter; coupled with a no-nonsense approach to life. Primarily, exfoliating dead skin-cells, while raising money on behalf of Help for Heroes.

Help for Heroes – a charity which raises funds on behalf of disabled ex-service personnel, injured in Britain’s regrettably necessary wars.

British Legion – a charity which raises funds on behalf of disabled ex-service personnel, injured in Britain’s regrettably necessary wars; through the sale of poppies.

Poppy – a symbol of patriotic support for Britain’s glorious wars. Absence indicates the possible involvement in thought-crimes. Example – a dignified, deep-crust tribute to the fallen: 

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Waitrose – a decadent emporium, favoured by elites. Purveyors of effete lattes, elitist cereals, out-of-touch sandwiches; and the fruits of contemptuous banana plantations, straightened out in ivory towers, by the Liberal Intelligentsia Division Of Greengrocers, so as to accord with EU regulations.

WH Smiths – a humble, plain-spoken, salt-of-the-earth retail outlet; suffused with proletarian credibility. For example, its book-aisles overflow with the type of publications which remain prepossessing to the man on the Clapham Omnibus; who sensibly disdains pretentious tomes, such as James Joyce’s Ulysses, in favour of the down to earth Harry Potter series of novels.

Harry Potter – an allegorical set of stories, which function as an oracle for understanding contemporary political events and circumstances. For example, the character Voldemort symbolises the lack of moral fibre among young people these days; while the Hogwarts boarding school simultaneously represents the travails of Cuban Exiles, the house building programme of the New Labour government between 1997-2005, the AIDS crisis of the 1980’s, and the necessity for military intervention in various Middle Eastern countries.

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Clapham Omnibus – a mode of transport: the preserve and hallmark of ordinary people.

Ordinary people – honest, upstanding social group, imbued with inherent nobility, and sensible opinions: eschewing the braying hauteur of experts, in favour of the modest viewpoints held by callous-palmed working-class sons of toil and graft; such as Nigel Farage, Lord Rothermere, and Prince Harry.

Working class – stouthearted yeomen, whose every thought on the whys and wherefores of life is a rough-hewn diamond of sensible insight; and can therefore be cited to buttress even those political opinions which regrettably run contrary to a commentator’s own moral virtues. Example: “the working class has very real concerns about freedom of movement for EU citizens – and these must be addressed, even if it means leaving the EU”.

Freedom of movement – dread modern phenomenon, which imperils the very existence of the Working Class. Not to be confused with an imaginary problem, continuously mawed at for eons by bottomless human pits of seething rancor.

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Populism – public opinions which jeapordise the financial or electoral prospects of politicians, and the wealthiest members of society whose interests they represent in Parliament. For example, anti-migrant hysteria propelling a referendum vote to leave the European Union; thereby depriving British businesses of skilled employees and trade.

David Cameron – a brave, noble and unfailingly principled former Prime Minister of Britain, from 2010-16; who conducted an honourable campaign during the EU referendum, and was let down – in fact, failed – by all around him; before being ultimately undone by the dark forces of populism, advanced through the pages of tabloid newspapers. Not to be confused with the David Cameron who was also Prime Minister of Britain between 2010-16; and whose hallmarks of shameless dishonesty, verbiage, race-baiting, and opportunistic exploitation of tabloid-fuelled popular misapprehensions backfired; all while having more than a year to prepare a contingency plan for the event of Brexit, and failing to do so, promptly resigned, leaving his colleagues to deal with the aftermath.

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Post-truth – unprecedented era of the present; in which, for the first time ever, politicians and journalists make no distinction between factual and fictitious claims, provided it suits an expedient political purpose. While the origins remain unclear – chronologically, at least – the post-truth epoch appears to have emerged approximately one decade after the media and political representatives of Britain and America debated the urgent need to invade Iraq, due to its stockpiled weapons of mass destruction.

Fake news – inaccurate stories which bedevil the non-professional media; preventing sensible discussion of political issues, and thereby paving the way for misinformed consumers to vote for the wrong things – ultimately undermining democracy. Antonym: quality media.

Quality media: a wide array of hard-hitting news reports, or trenchant opinion pieces; impeccably researched and immaculately sourced by highly-trained and professionally-accredited journalists. Examples:

‘Firefighters rescue cat stuck up tree’ (St Helens Star)

‘Five thing you didn’t know about John McCain’s Penis’ (Gawker)

‘”Game of Thrones” Real-Life D.C. Counterparts: Election 2016 Edition’ (Rolling Stone)

‘How 2016 is like “the West Wing”‘ (CNN)

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“My 8 year old said” – a source of precociously sensible political insight; provided by children whose words are subsequently deployed to shape media discourse. Example: “My 8 year old asked: why are the workers on strike, daddy? You haven’t received a pay rise in twenty years, yet you never complain”.

Snowflake – a young person, left with a timorous disposition by virtue of their political commitments; incapable of withstanding robust disagreement on subjects such as the natural inferiority of certain social groups to others.

Political correctness – oppressive phenomenon which has left many white people of middle years, upwards, living in a state of constant fear; lest their political opinions about the natural inferiority of certain social groups result in name-calling – or, worse, dispute.

Safe space – campus policy, jeapordising entire societies, through demanding that universities abide by equality legislation and prohibit exposure to anything discomfiting.

Burqa – item of clothing which deeply offends the sensitivities of sensible, white European males – who were historically oppressed by Muslim women; and consequently demand that they no longer be exposed to something they find discomfiting.

Identity politics – shameful modern phenomenon; which contributes directly to old white male oppression. What chance do old white males have in a society like Britain? As many as 100% of British prime ministers have been white; and that is a rate which can only decrease. What’s more, no fewer than two Prime Ministers have been female. Where there no men could enough for the job? How many premier league football players are over the age of seventy? None – that’s how many. And yet despite this level of persecution – suffered exclusively by those who are old, white, and male – identity politics focuses entirely on the experiences of gays, women, and ethnic minorities. Not sensible.

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Electoral college – executive body which superseded a popular vote in the US Presidential contest; thereby depriving people of a sensible outcome.

Parliament – executive body which hasn’t superseded a popular vote in the EU referendum; thereby depriving people of a sensible outcome.

“Park tanks on lawn” – to adopt a political opponent’s rhetoric; with the sensible manoeuvre of not meaning it. Example: “The Prime Minister didn’t just park her tanks on the lawn, but dug up the grass and smashed down the garden shed” – i.e. duplicated her opponent’s rhetoric; minus the sincerity.

McDonalds – a key battleground in the factional warfare which erupted between the sensible and non-sensible wings of the Labour party, following its decision to refuse money from the company due to repeated abrogation of union rights. Provided a virtual reality potato-farming experience at the Conservative Party’s conference; much to chagrin of Sensible Labour, who missed out.

“I voted for x; but I didn’t vote for why” – aphorism: a metaphysical approach to democracy; whereby cause is separated from consequence, and the upshots are a matter of willpower alone. Example: “I voted to leave the EU; but I didn’t vote to be left poorer as a result”.

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But – conjunction: belies appeasement, if not apologia. Example: “what the Islamist terrorists who murdered Charlie Hebdo’s cartoonists did was utterly unacceptable; BUT it shouldn’t lead to scapegoating of everybody who is Muslim”. Once put through the Google Filter of Sensible Political Views, this statement translates as: “what the heroic terrorists who understandably murdered Charlie Hebdo’s cartoonists did was acceptable; purple monkey dishwasher”.

Appeasement – attempts to prevent governments treating suspected criminals the same way they treat convicted criminals. A renowned gateway to fascism.

Fascism – nationalistic, authoritarian ideology or form of government; which persecutes religious minorities, oversees extra-judicial imprisonment, employs detention camps, and revels in warfare. Can only be foiled by sensible political commitments, such as patriotism, a robust approach to law and order, repressing public expressions of Muslim beliefs or identity, interring people in Guantanamo Bay, and bombing Middle Eastern countries on a regular basis.

Page from the Euston Manifesto.

Orwell, George – progenitor of sensible politics. Fought in the Spanish Civil War; before penning incisive screeds admonishing The Left, and reporting suspected communists to the British intelligence services.

Spanish Civil War – a military conflict conducted between 1936-39; in which sensible moderate forces led by George Orwell defeated both the right-wing fascists of General Franco, and the left-wing fascists of The Left; by engaging them in a robust battle of ideas through unflinching columns in the Observer newspaper.

Stop The War – all powerful protest group. Despite the British government’s involvement in continual wars for 18 years, in at least five different countries, Stop The War continue to frustrate sensible people through cynically relying upon empirical evidence to inform their standpoint, instead of simply endorsing Britain’s surgical strikes against evil.

Really – adverb: denotes sensible counsel. Example: “If Stop The War REALLY wanted to stop wars, they would be demanding that we go to war”.

Ad-hominem – childish name-calling: the preserve of  ivory tower-dwelling bien pensant bruschetta-nibbling prosecco-swilling socialist latte-sippers.

Victory – the act of failing to achieve one’s tactical and strategic goals, while leaving the enemy in complete control of the battlefield.

The Right-Minded View: Sleaford’s By-Election – Another Terrible Result For Corbyn

If it wasn’t for Jeremy Corbyn, then Labour would definitely have won the Parliamentary seat in Sleaford; which has been held for 19 consecutive years by Conservative MPs, and has never been won by any other party.

Just how did the Conservatives retain a safeseat, in a by-election, during the onset of winter, with an electoral turnout which was only half that of the previous General Election’s? Well, it simply defies any other possible explanation save to attribute the outcome solely to Mr Corbyn. Now, that’s not to say that every by-election is entirely reflective of Corbyn – because Labour has won many under his tenure; and we can safely say that those results had nothing to do with him at all – he was merely incidental.

However, when the Labour party fails to do something completely unprecedented under his watch, then we can point the finger of blame with quite some assurance indeed. Never mind the 52%, let alone the 48%: 100% is the most important percentage of them all – and thanks solely to Mr Corbyn, Labour failed to gain 100% of the votes in Sleaford.

Can people honestly foresee Labour coming close to 2015’s losing performance under Corbyn at this rate?If you ask me, the only solution is for the Labour party to adopt the mutually exclusive commitments of the Liberal Democrats and Ukip forthwith – as the media and Labour’s most prominent backbenchers demand, between them.

In sum, if Labour had finished second, rather than fourth, then they would have won. Food for Mr Corbyn’s proverbial.