The Prime Minister Stands Up For Christian Values, This Easter – The Sermon On The Podium

Seeing the crowds of the party faithful, Prime Minister Cameron went up on the podium, and his followers came to him. And he opened the PowerPoint Presentation, and taught them, saying:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is a redefined meaning of poverty.

Blessed are those who hunger, for they shall be satisfied by the local foodbank.

Blessed are the meek, for those who know their place, and play by the rules, shall benefit from the cut to inheritance tax.

Blessed are you when you make handsome, if discreet, donations; rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in the free-market of academised schools.

Blessed are the healers, who are willing to work seven days a week, for five-days’ worth salary.

Woe to the merciful, however; for their moral relativism has created the kind of permissive society which tests the patience of the right-thinking. Don’t even get me started on the peacemakers – there’s no space for appeasers in the Big Society.

Do not think that I have come to uphold the Laws; I have not come to fulfill, but to abolish them. Specifically those concerning human rights and foreigners: unless your annual salary exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of Britain.

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that we all do things in youth which may prove to be regrettable, once one has acquired a public profile. Who among us can honestly say that their virtue has not been tempted aside by a succulent piece of gammon?

You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.’ But I say to you, sometimes it’s expedient to be creative with the truth. Especially when being questioned. Let what you say be simply ‘I do not accept that’’ or ‘I believe’, as circumstance favours.

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, this only breeds dependency. It’s high-time that your neighbours learned to stand on their own two legs, and pulled themselves up by the bootstraps. They should follow your example in life.

Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin. They must be incentivised to work by the steady application of benefit sanctions.

Ensure that you practice your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have a reward from your admirers in the press. It may be advisable not to let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that anything passed their way can be plausibly denied.

Lay up for yourselves treasures on earth. Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. The Cayman Islands, for example.

No one can serve two masters. You cannot serve God and money. So make the fiscally credible choice.

Ask for a handout, and it will no longer be given. Which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? All of you should, if you want to impart a valuable life-lesson. If someone is disabled and asks for a wheelchair, take it away, and call it an efficiency saving. 

Build one house on sand, for every eight houses which were built on rock, that you have sold.

Enter your own home by the wide gate outside your neighbourhood; which is locked shut tight in the evening, in order to keep the undesirable elements out”.

And when the Prime Minister finished these sayings, the crowd was astonished at his teaching, for he was teaching them as one who had a teleprompter, and not just a common or garden PowerPoint presentation. The sick and the lame were brought to him, and put through a work capability assessment; consequently declared fit and healthy once more.

Afterwards, the Prime Minister entered a temple, and congratulated the wealth-creators within for their free enterprise – praising their aspirations; and pocketing a good deal of their money for his own betterment. The high rates of usury, and the absence of red-tape – which the Prime Minister had guaranteed – ensured that the wealth-creators would not take their business elsewhere.