A New Place Of Exile

Richard Hutton

Category: The Right-Minded View

Why Boris Johnson is quite right not to visit flood-stricken areas.

Impertinent questions have been asked of our Prime Minister’s whereabouts, following the recent flooding throughout Great Britain. The sheer bloody cheek.

If you ask me, people ought to try being patriotic once in a while.

What naysayers fail to appreciate is that these floods are being caused by BRITISH rain – the very finest precipitation in the world.

And the left-wing bias of media coverage, to date, frankly beggars belief. These floods are not an embarrassing failure for the government’s part – but a classic example of a free-market success story.

Instead of limiting flood-water’s access to emerging markets, by raising barriers, our government’s long-term plan has seen heavy deluges rewarded with exponential growth – due to their daring innovation, and risk-taking flair.

So let the floods compete on an equal footing with mankind, I say.

Sure, some people will fail to adapt to the rising tide and – to use the overly emotive language favoured by the left here – drown; but that is merely their own fault for not working hard enough to stay afloat.

It’s survival of the fittest in this world, and those British people who adapt to this new challenge, and compete with the flood waters of today, will become the leaders of enterprise tomorrow.

You can’t say fairer than that.

The Right-Minded View On Eugenics

In these politically-correct times, people are limited to columns in daily newspapers, appearances on nightly shows, interviews in weekly magazines – and hosting duties on hourly talk radio broadcasts – should they wish to say something the slightest bit contentious.

Therefore, I am only too thankful for the courage of countless pundits who are brave enough to say what we are all thinking: that some people naturally deserve more opportunities and wealth in life, because they are inherently superior.

This is due to something called eugenics. Or biological destiny, if you will.

Let me explain.

 

It is indisputable that parents who live on low incomes, in the poorest areas of a country – with the weakest local economies – experience a 95% likelihood (with only a 5% margin for error) of giving birth to children who are poor.

By contrast, parents who live on high incomes, in the most affluent parts of Britain – surrounded by abundance, and plenty all the while – are equally liable to raise a child who is wealthy.

There is no evidence to support this claim at all, but members of the non-scientific community consider it a simple fact that these divergent circumstances can be due to one thing, and one thing only: not societal inequality, but inheritance of the poverty gene.

(The “fifth gene on the right”, according to one government advisor – recently retired).

 

Consequently, my gut-instinct tells me that we can overcome problems of impecunity, the absence of educational opportunities – and the dearth of equality – not through fairer government, but via the straightforward expedience of selective breeding.

Now, it’s all well and good to deplore this scheme on ideological, political, or moral grounds. But it’s really quite another to conclude that it wouldn’t work in practice.

In fact, selective breeding was tried with some success in Yorkshire, only recently, whence the most intelligent men in the Eastern provinces were encouraged to breed with sheep in order to increase the overall IQ of the flock.

Which they did, promptly – with gusto.

Admittedly, the average IQ of the livestock actually decreased slightly – but barriers were broken, nonetheless. A clear triumph for this kind of science.

Hijacked Labour – Jeremy Corbyn’s extraordinary network of extra-ordinary influence

As compiled by senior officers of a British army, using advanced Spirograph techniques, the Sun newspaper has published a map detailing one Jeremy Corbyn’s network of influence – with a dazzling array of felt-pen colours:

 

I can now reveal the key contacts in full.

 

Jeremy Corbyn: present-day leader of the Labour Party. Arrived at this position through the classic Stalinesque method of winning a democratic vote. Retained office via the notorious Trotskyite ploy of emerging victorious in a second leadership election. Trotskyite-Stalinists are renowned for being the worst kind, of course – and some may even be communists, too.

Maureen X (surname unknown – possibly a pseudonym): canteen worker in the Parliamentary café. Is believed to have served Corbyn cups of hard-left coffee, and the odd slice of unelectable toast.

Russia’s government: controls world events using Facebook adverts. Famed for its ruthless efficiency – like attacking British trawlers off the coast of France, believing them to be submarines off the coast of Japan. Responsible for all current failings of Britain’s government between 2010-present. A fortnight’s wait to see your GP? Look no further.

Genghis Khan: leader of the Mongol Hordes. Noted for his unsparing cruelty, Khan united the nomadic tribes of North East Asia; before razing and pillaging the continent. Died several centuries before Corbyn was born. Coincidence? We can’t be too careful.

Starfish Hitler: principle villain from the low-budget Japanese television series Kamen Rider – combining the evilness of Hitler, with the regenerative powers of a starfish. If eye-witness accounts are to be credited, whenever Jeremy Corbyn is about to sneeze, he raises his hand – and we all know who else liked to raise their hand, now, don’t we?

Chips: foodstuff derived from the great British potato. Fine in moderation – but contributing to the nation’s chronic obesity epidemic, when consumed in excess. According to a senior Labour Party source, speaking in confidence, Corbyn grows potatoes under an ideologically-pure crop rotation scheme on his personal gulag (or ‘allotment’, as he describes it).

 

So I think you’ll agree that this devastating exposé is not only shocking, but provides clear and irrefutable proof of something, as well.

Food for everyone’s thought, there.

The Right-Minded Review: Labour’s manifesto, 2019

Rather than read the Labour Party’s manifesto, I have decided to make my own mind up about it, independently.

I am not a Conservative – I merely vote for the party, during elections; while maintaining a full and active membership of the local branch, these past 40 years.

I can therefore offer an impartial purview, on the following Labour Party policies.

 

Race and so forth

Boris Johnson has a track-record of engaging in racism, over the course of many years. Jeremy Corbyn, however, has a track record of opposing racism; lifelong.

It is simply impossible to tell the two men apart.

If anything, Corbyn is much the worse. Zero incidents of racism to his name? A number which can only increase, in my opinion. After all, you only have to envision him doing something, in order to picture him doing it.

Imagine, for example, if Corbyn traveled back through time, and uninvented butter – leaving us all dependent on margarine. Just because he hasn’t done it yet, doesn’t mean he never will.

 

Faithism

Diversity, is it? Reflecting ‘contemporary social mores’? Well, we all know where that will lead.

It is precisely why Jesus himself came such a cropper: because he had two fathers, instead of the more traditional family arrangement – in-keeping with Christian values. Which would have kept him on the right track.

 

Labour’s spending commitments

Far, far too large; in my opinion.

And far, far too small.

Also, too much of neither one nor the other.

 

Environmentalism

Global warming? Poppycock, I say.

I don’t mean to draw scientific understanding into question, I should clarify (my own blessed wife believes in climate change – I have yet to convince her that 97% of scientists are incorrect).

Instead, I think people are looking at this whole issue in entirely the wrong spirit.

We should be patriotic about native meteorological systems.

Instead of limiting flood-water’s access to the British market, by raising barriers; indigenous floods should be rewarded for their daring innovation, and risk-taking flair.

Let the floods compete on an equal footing with mankind, I say.

Sure, some people will fail to adapt to the rising tide and – to use the overly emotive language favoured by the Left here – drown; but that is merely their own fault for not working hard enough to stay afloat.

 

Brexit

Wanting to give people a vote on the matter, is it? An affront to the very principle of democracy that I hold dear.

The whole purpose of electing politicians is that we don’t have to think things through: they can do our thinking for us. In so far as it is ever necessary.

 

Reforming the monarchy

What Mr Corbyn seems to forget is that royalty is the only natural form of rule which.

It is, after all,the animal KINGDOM; not the animals’ republic of flora and fauna. And you don’t get more natural than nature.

 

National Health Service

Yes, doctors and nurses keep people alive – but is that really so important?

All that health treatment does is cure illness; it certainly doesn’t teach people the virtues of self-reliance.

If anything, dependence on medicine teaches the contrary – that it’s okay to fall ill, because hospitals will take care of the problem for you. This breeds a lackluster attitude all round.

 

Inequality

Raising taxes on the top percentiles? Yet another callous blow to ordinary working class billionaires – many of of whom are barely able to get by on their meager incomes as it is these days.

I have seen these double-standards from the Left, before – when Corbyn spoke about poverty being bad, they applauded; yet when Theresa May said the same thing a few months later, they called it plagiarism. Shameful.

Besides, we could end so-called ‘poverty wages’ by the simple expedient of abolishing wages altogether.

 

Foreign policy

I fail to see what’s at all humane about humane foreign policies.

By selling weapons to oppressive regimes, we teach them to follow our peaceful example in life.

And refusing to detonate nuclear weapons, even when double-dared by others? We Centrists will sleep a little less soundly, henceforth.

 

Prime Ministeriness 

A choice between someone who will make the country fairer and more equal; and somebody who would make it unfairer and less equal?

I can see no difference at all between these two dispositions. What’s needed here is another measure by which to judge fitness for office.

 

Manliness

Call me old-fashioned, but I’m afraid to say, here I draw a line – for the sake of simple decency.

Corbyn’s beard makes him look like a girl.

By contrast, Boris Johnson’s firm jowls, and ample man-bosom, rather make me think mother nature intended to create a blancmange; then changed her mind at the last moment.

I think we can all draw conclusions from that.

Enter Boris – into the Prime Ministerial fray, that is.

 

Veritable proof that one can fly without wings

 

Cynicism is the curse of our age; and nowhere is that more prevalent than in responses to Boris Johnson’s hoisting of the political trousers.

Far from being ‘self-serving’ or ‘opportunistic’ (to use the emotive language favoured by the Left, here) Mr Johnson’s penchant for saying one thing, then doing the opposite, is no less than the kind of integrity that I have come to expect from the man – as a matter of course.

Johnson is not one for any mere bandwagon-hopping. Evincing, instead, the rapid circular motion of a man at the peak of his form: one who is more than able to both have cake, and eat it – as his amply-proportioned bosom testifies.

It may very well be true that Mr Johnson owes his existence to a similar comestible vacillation of Mother Nature’s. Having first intended to create a blancmange, then changing her mind midway – thus gifting Boris Johnson, as is, to the world.

But we should all be grateful for small mercies. Especially at a time like this.

One cannot be too careful about a delicate conundrum such as Brexit. It is just the sort of thing which could very quickly turn a most frightful purler, without firm hands holding the reins on Britain’s ship of state.

And that is where Boris Johnson comes into his own.

As a test of his mettle, BJ was tasked with quaffing a full can of Fukushima peach juice. A lesser man might have quailed – but a true Buller always downs it in one.

 

Rightly or wrongly, people judge by appearances – and on that score, Johnson stands peerless: as a fellow of unquestionable swank.

No matter the political storms that rage in the Parliamentary teacup, Mr Johnson’s comb-over has invariably proven unflappable. Not a folicle is ever out of place. Or not so as you’d notice, at any rate.

Would it be a touch flattering to suggest that this is the very epitome of the man? Demonstrating the ingrained British reluctance to surrender, to the steady dawning of reality?

Few may care to venture such liberal odds – but I say fellows of Johnson’s caliber are the very reason why I rank being British among my greatest achievements.

The task ahead remains a daunting one; but with Boris Johnson standing athwart the historical moment, I am certain that the whole Brexit process will prove to be a singularly fruity binge.

And that’s the kind of pledge you can put on the side of a bus.

Why The European Parliamentary Elections Prove Something Or Another – And What To Do About It.

 

 

If one forms judgments via evidence, and the application of logic, then Brexit can be said to have played no straightforward part in the contradictory outcomes of recent elections.

However, numerous commentators, pundits, and professional analysts – all primed for this sort of thing – suggest otherwise.

Not only do these people hold Britain’s most important opinions – but their track-record of getting the big calls correct is simply imperious.

So, we have demonstrable reality on the one hand – and media output on the other. I think we can come down strongly in favour of the latter on this issue.

With that matter resolved, all that remains is the simple question of how to do something or another about it.

Therefore, let us take 48% (the number that voted against leaving the EU), and add 52% (the percentage which favoured departure). Times it by 3 (one wishes to be fair about these things). Then take precisely one third of the resultant figure (a fraction of the sum); before subtracting zero (a negative), and multiplying by one (a positive).

It all adds up to no less than 100% of the electorate. Which is very nearly as good as the entirety.

 

A diagram – explaining this sort of thing in picture form.

 

Now, if my modest calculations are correct – and as of yet, I have seen no reason to believe otherwise – then all anyone need do is the following: craft a pro-Brexit message for the half of Britain who support it. An anti-Brexit message for the half who oppose it. And an ambivalent message, for the half who remain non-plussed.

This can thus be then combined into one compelling message – representing all things to all people: ‘Brexit: yesnomaybe’.

With that in place, it is not at all unreasonable to suggest that any compliant party might be expected to gain fully three halves of the public vote, in any contest you could mention. Its mathematical impossibility not withstanding.

It all rather makes one wish we had just this type of credible party, pragmatising so electably; and saying “yesnomaybe”, right now.

Or so I see it, at any rate.

The Right-Minded View: Theresa May’s Resignation

 

And so it came to pass.

Arguably the most competent British Prime Minister to hold office, since her predecessor resigned, has now stepped down.

Theresa May was all things to all people. Not merely proclaiming that poverty is bad, but continuously voting to increase it, as well. Thereby covering both bases.

And while the Chancellor of the Exchequer may have said one thing – as her Ministers said the opposite; May could be relied upon to say exactly the same as both.

Of course, that strength and stability of leadership met its truest test in the General Election of 2017.

May’s many admirers in the press – some fresh from being a guest of Her Majesty’s Government themselves – lauded her as a safe pair of hands, who was parking her tanks on the Labour Party’s lawn.

And consequently destined for triumph.

A 74 seat Tory majority beckoned.

Wait, 96 seats.

No, 100 seats.

In fact, at least 100 – and that’s even with the 27 the Conservatives were likely to lose to the awe-inspiring Liberal Democrats.

It could be as many as 150 seats.

Maybe even a 200 seat majority for the Tories.

212 seats.

Even Conservative commentators found themselves feeling sorry for the Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, as May’s politics of audacity heralded imminent glory.

And they were magnanimous in their vindication, at the outcome of the vote: as Labour suffered a disastrous improvement of fortunes; and May gained an impressive lost majority.

Some might say May’s politics proved somewhat less audacious than foretold; but no majority is better than a bad majority, I would venture.

 

Theresa May’s defining legacy, however, will be Brexit.

Specifically, the task of delivering a red, white, and blue Brexit.

Or at least one leaving many people feeling blue – with white-coloured flags fluttering aplenty; and countless red faces in evidence. Which is very nearly the same thing; if you think about it.

On that score, May’s achievement stands peerless. Straddling the competing demands of Conservative MPs, and reality, like a veritable colossus.

After two years of relentless, uncompromising negotiation – combining pluck, and determination, with the very best of Britishness – May managed to talk the EU down to no more than its original demands.

Many said it couldn’t be done – but by jingo, it was.

What’s more, May has generously – and graciously – bequeathed this particular chalice, to an equally deserving successor in the Prime Ministerial stakes.

Be it the one who didn’t know Britain was an island. The one who misled Parliament, and resigned. The one who also misled Parliament, and wouldn’t resign – but then did. One of the ones who misled the public, via a well-known bus advert.

Or simply one of the many who needs showing on a doll which parts of someone else’s body they’re not allowed to touch, without permission.

Nigel Farage, the Brexit Party – and the august lance of British destiny!

Nigel Farage is not only the thinking chap’s Brexiteer; but holds compelling claim to being the most successfully unelected candidate in British Parliamentary history.

It is perhaps that tenacity, buttressed with a robust flair for crafting vivid analogies – though these admittedly defy any and all branches of human knowledge – which have seen Farage retain his traditional safeseat of Question Time South, for ten full years and counting.

And I think we can safely say that Farage took the correct attitude towards Johnny Euro from the outset!

What with his firm but fair assessment that none of his fellow MEPs had ever worked a proper job in their lives.

The assembled ranks of ex-surgeons, former schoolteachers – and retired coalminers – simply had no comeback to that whatsoever!

How many of them had ever worked as stock-brokers in the commodities trade? None but Farage, I would venture.

And for those of us who have long since tired of experts, Farage consistently demonstrates a refreshing absence of any expertise, whatsoever, on every last subject he expounds upon.

The type of people who read books are fond of saying that “the only easy thing in life is being wrong – and it is hardly worth the effort”. Well, one man differs: Farage makes the effort!

So, lead on Nigel, I say. And with Farage at the tiller, Johnny Euro won’t mess with old Blighty again, by jingo!

The Right-Minded View: Labour Party MPs quit. Truly a watershed moment in British politics.

Today marks a watershed moment in British politics.

No fewer than a solid handful of MPs have quit the Labour Party, complaining about Jeremy Corbyn. Marking the single greatest realignment of the political landscape, since the last time several MPs quit Labour, complaining about Jeremy Corbyn; not too long ago.

Chris Leslie, Mike Gapes, Angela Smith, Chukka Umunna, Ann Covfefe – and the others, whose names I can’t recall offhand. These are huge figures of the Labour Movement.

Giants, even. Heroes. Heroes – who traversed British politics, with colossal strides.

These people were the Labour Party. The Labour Party was them.

And to think that these MPs have finally reached breaking-point – have just darn well had enough – a mere two years after they began briefing journalists about their intentions to defect; and then started receiving donations to fund their endeavor.

Nor could it be a more principled stand. If there is one thing that these MPs simply will not abide, it is racism. Prejudice. Common xenophobia.

If what I read in the papers is anything to go by, then the Labour party started being a hotbed of racism, the very instant it elected a life-long anti-racism campaigner to be its leader.

One who refuses to listen to the very real concerns that the same news outlets express, every day, about foreigners and minorities. Concerns which most of the seven MPs themselves have long insisted must be listened to; voting accordingly.

And they are only too right to balk at Labour’s acceptance of Brexit, as well – quite rightly drawing the line at Jeremy Corbyn’s refusal to simultaneously support and oppose Brexit.

Now, admittedly, they all voted to conduct the EU referendum of 2016. What their critics fail to realise, however, is that democracy might be all well and good – but not if people are going to be silly, and vote the wrong way. No.

No. Then their elected betters must take back control.

The way I see it, what this country is crying out for is a credible, electable, moderate, sensible, pragmatic, electable, aspirational, moderate, credible, electable Centrist party. Pragmatising electably from the centre of the centre; and saying “yesnomaybe” across a wide range of issues, right now!

And how Corbyn can possibly hope to manage without future input from the tactical masterminds who devised the EdStone, is quite frankly beyond me. He clearly owes them a debt of gratitude; if not a big apology.

 

Food for everyone’s thought, there.

Why won’t Jeremy Corbyn simply stop Brexit? It defies reason.

It really is a mystery why Jeremy Corbyn doesn’t simply give the word, and instantly reverse Brexit. It’s not as if the task could be any easier.

All he needs to do is moan about it a bit: tut now and then, while giving a roll of the eyes – say it’s a bad idea, and all that. Then everyone will live happily ever after.

For proof – look no further than the barnstorming success of the Liberal Democrats in this very venture; after they adopted a Remain or Die approach to electioneering – and promptly reaped the dividends.

In the General Election of 2015, the Lib Dems faltered to a measly 7.9% of the vote.

But in the contest of 2017, they romped home to an incredible 7.4% of the vote.

If only Corbyn firmed-up his plans in like manner, and stopped putting principle before power (or power before principle, I can’t remember which one applies now) then he might enjoy the same enviable record.

And let us not forget that this is all his doing in the first place.

True, the Conservative Party decided to conduct the referendum. While their ministers campaigned for Brexit; and virtually the entire press kept saying European migration was a terrible, uncontrollable menace – even though they knew it wasn’t true.

But if Corbyn had only rated the EU 7.6/10, instead of 7.5/10, then the United Kingdom would still be in the EU. Admittedly, it still is in the EU – but this is beside the point.

It may very well be the case that the Tories bought a Parliamentary majority – ensuring they would have more votes than all of their opponents combined; so any policies they pursue cannot be defeated by opposition MPs.

But that is a pretty basic impossibility to defy.

Yet does Corbyn make the effort to invert mathematics? I think we all know the answer there.

What’s more, he perversely refuses to support a second referendum – even after the first one went so well; meaning that a sequel would be more than welcome.

In sum: Jeremy Corbyn clearly owes us all a big apology.

For shame.