The Conservative Manifesto: a magnum opus of commonsense and gut-thinking.
I consider it my civic duty to declare the Conservative Party’s manifesto a masterwork of plain old-fashioned commonsense. Just the ticket for the twenty-first century.
If you won’t take my word for it, then simply pay heed to the many newspaper columnists saying much the same thing – and these are people who hold Britain’s most important opinions. It is high-time that the democratic will of the papers was respected, in my view.
Many have faulted the pledge to end free school-meals; but it is very sensible, actually. The best way to end hunger among children is to deprive them of access to food. This is just commonsense. I ask simply this: what use would free school meals be without a sound digestive system to begin with? Instead of relying on the nanny state, therefore, the young should learn about looking to themselves, first and foremost – cultivating sound digestive autonomy, by hunting and foraging in their school grounds. Not only would this instill self-sufficiency, but it would clamp-down on the propaganda underscoring many state-sponsored recipes – in the form of left-wing meals, such as green curry; or vegetarian anything.
The vow to require voter ID at ballot-boxes is a firm step in the right direction, likewise. Quite frankly, I do not see why my vote should only have as much value as a member of the hoi polloi’s. If anything this measure simply does not go far enough. I say that the voting age must be raised to 65 for men – and 67 for women, due to greater life expectancy; and should entail a property qualification – to ensure that the decent among us can have our say without interruption from life’s underachievers. I am of the mind that between elections, any attempt to be involved in democracy is undemocratic – or at the very least uncouth. It really is high time that people remembered their place.
This manifesto also provides a welcome assurance aimed at becalming those of us who have very real concerns about immigration. In fact, it is not long since I myself witnessed the devastating impact that the sweeping and rapid cultural change which foreign introductions have wrought upon this once benighted nation. In the aisles of my local supermarket, I encountered as stouthearted and sensible a chap as ever I met – who was no stranger to roughing it, having spent 30 years working in the cut-throat world of importing soft-furnishings. Yet there he stood, completely overcome – and weeping tears of bitter lament. Several other experienced men – retired officers from the merchant navy, all – were close by; rapt in a similar state of anguish. The cause of their distress? A bottle of Polish beer being sold in full view of the unsuspecting general public, on a shelf in the drinks section.
This whole incident was symptomatic of the horrors faced by the embattled British population; who comprise a mere 94% of the local community, these days. Thankfully, the Conservatives intend to put an end to this sort of thing, forthwith. Not before time.
On a related note, many people mocked our Prime Minister for saying “we want to lead the world in preventing Tourism”; but this manifesto proves that they were quite wrong. A loss of tourism is actually good for Britain, as it means there will be smaller crowds on piers; so there is less chance of people falling off them, into the sea. In today’s culture of health-and-safety gone mad, that is no minor blessing.
The true fulcrum of this manifesto, however, is social justice. For instance, many of Britain’s impoverished multi-millionaires are barely able to get by on their meager incomes as it is these days. Even the slightest increase of taxation among this downtrodden group could lead to a catastrophic decline in the ownership of second homes. Therefore, we can but be grateful for sensible measures on that score, contained in this manifesto. Besides, if the resultant shortfall in government revenue becomes noticeable, then we can simply make good any deficit through levying fines on people who are caught burning poppies.
There are various other things which are unlikely to be of general interest. So, to summarize:
Foreign policy – wars just happen; a bit like the weather. There’s simply nothing that can be done to prevent them.
Brexit – if EU countries sign up to a post-Brexit deal with Britain before the end of the year, they will receive a free pen or carriage clock.
Environment – green measures should be abolished; as it’s not like global warming is real.
Pensioners – winter fuel allowance should be abolished; as it’s not like winters are cold these days.
If there is one noteworthy absence from this manifesto’s pages, it is a pledge to make patriotism tax-deductible; but it is perhaps unreasonable to ask for too much.
In short, this progamme is a blueprint for a proud nation, and a bright future: one which will restore us to our present economic standing, after no more than several years of turbulence.