The Right-Minded View: The Labour Party’s Draft Manifesto.

by richardhutton

The word on the doorstep, I hear, is that the Labour party’s manifesto is very good; and would materially improve the lives of most British people. This is a bad thing – and it behooves me to restore sound, right-thinking commonsense to proceedings.

From the outset, it seems Mr Corbyn’s “kinder politics” do not extend to private companies who want to exploit tax loopholes, while underpaying their employees – only to people who are visiting their relatives in hospital; along with the NHS staff who take care of them.

As for the broader issue of a well-funded health service – well, I ask simply this: do we need hospitals at all? All that health treatment does is cure illness; it certainly doesn’t teach people the virtues of self-reliance. Is it really beyond the pale to suggest that those who happen to be unwell simply take an aspirin, and find a quiet place to lie down; so as not to inconvenience those of us engaged in wealth-creating endeavours? You would think so, to judge by this manifesto.

Domestic policy is no better, I am afraid to say – Labour will take us back to the 1970’s, by reversing the privatisation of train services, which began in 1994; ending tuition fees, which were introduced in 1998; and returning the Post Office to public ownership, which it left in 2013 – to much financial merry-making among the government ministers who decided matters.

And strengthen employment rights? This fails to account for the fact that there is no need for employment rights in the first place; as business leaders are naturally altruistic sorts – who gladly pay the lads (and where applicable, lasses) as much as they can. This must surely suffice.

Improve wages? I say that this goes too far. Paying people to work simply degrades them: nobody wants to see their hours of labour being turned into an unseemly financial transaction. Certainly if my experience is anything to judge by, modern staff much prefer a well timed expression of praise to a salary-handout. The hard-working majority don’t care about job-security or well-paid employment. If people have done right by their employer and any stockholders, then that is all the reward they seek.

Eliminate child poverty? Why, it can be overcome very easily – by the simple expedient of a paper-round. This would have the added benefit of clamping down on the childhood obesity epidemic, which has spread throughout this country like wildfire due to the overbearing machinations of the nanny state.

End homelessness? There is of course no real homelessness in Britain – only relative homelessness. A person may be without a fixed abode, certainly; but many’s the rent-free doorway in this day and age – and while they may lack a permanent address, there is nothing to stop them inscribing their initials on a park bench, or a newly cemented paving slab. Would that hard-pressed taxpayers were so fortunate.

Improve opportunities for women? That sounds suspiciously like feminism to me. I have an acquaintance who is in the know about such things; and according to him feminism is entirely unnecessary in this day and age.

For example, women don’t need equal pay legislation – as they can simply work additional hours (and overtime during weekends) until they have earned as much as their male colleagues. What’s more, rather than worry unduly about reproductive rights, they might embrace a lifetime of celibacy instead.

Nor does the 1967 Abortion Act need to be extended to Northern Ireland. Women can simply receive one-to-one abortion counselling by virtue of communing with whichever Pope was most recently canonized.

Labour’s foreign policy proposals are equally superfluous. We don’t need state-intervention on the whole Brexit thing. Let our unelected betters decide things for us appropriately, I say; and the free-market will take care of the rest. Early indications are that this will revolve around placing British jam, tea, and biscuits – along with the odd game of cribbage – at the heart of the Brexit negotiations; before promptly instructing the rest of the world to stop mucking about, and put us back in charge once again.

Nor is there a need to be unduly cautious with the launching of nuclear weaponry – should any happen to go awry, and incinerate the odd continent, then we can simply conduct a Parliamentary inquiry – which discerns the mistakes which were made in good faith; and which of the correct lessons we have learned in the course of making them.

All told, Mr Corbyn’s Labour only offers voters free giveaways, such as liberties and rights – instead of sensible, pragmatic and carefully thought-through policies; such as tax-cuts for those of us who have made something of ourselves.

Also, there was a typing-error on page 2 of the manifesto – which invalidates the whole thing, in my view.

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