The Right-Minded View: PMQs – January 2017.
There are two broad purviews on Prime Minister’s Questions. Many people contend that it is largely a waste of everybody’s time – a shoulder-shruggathon, if you will; whereby gossipy-snips write about Parliamentary affairs as if the whole matter was a particularly underwhelming soap opera: superimposing whatever narrative happens to be convenient to their own personal inclinations and ego. Moreover, some even go so far as to suggest that this comprehensively fails the public interest, and undermines the whole purpose of journalism – to the detriment of us all – at one stroke.
Others look at it a different way, however; and conclude that it is the best thing since the sliced proverbial; or at least, since the cup-holder umbrella. I, for one, favour the second view; because of reasons, and stuff.
It therefore behooves me to commend an outstanding performance throughout this week’s bout from the Prime Minister: responding to even the least robust of questions with a truly awe-inspiring evasiveness; while expertly handling a variety of styles. From quick fire gangsta rap exchanges; to death metal panache – replete with cookie monster vocals.
For example, the Parliamentary Leader of the Scottish National Party asked if the Prime Minister would agree that the recent bout of cold weather throughout Britain demonstrates the need for an independent Scotland – prompting Ms May to spend a moment praising the Dark Lord, before growling “cookie, cookie, cookie”, and then sacrificing a paper clip to appease his satanic majesty. This is the sort of thing that young people go in for, I hear.
Then the Leader of the Liberal Democrats asked for a guarantee that Britain would retain access to the single European Market. Channeling the inner thug, the Prime Minister replied: “there is ghon be no attempts ta stay within tha European Union. Tha playaz of Britain voted fo’ Brexit – we is all Brexitas now, nahmeean?”; before presenting a thugged-out document to the House of Commons. The Prime Minister then explained that “da Posse whoz ass want Britain ta stay up in tha EU single market” needed a “realitizzle check” and “ta stop behavin’ as though you livin’ up in a gangbangin’ fantasy ghetto”.
Then we come to the Leader of the Opposition, Mr Corbyn – asking impertinent questions, about trifling matters, in an unelectable manner. I mean, are we supposed to fixate on something as trivial as Britain’s future export markets, while there is a burnt-toast crisis facing our country? I rather think not. Pull yourself together, people – it’s a question of priorities.
By contrast, PM May was seriosity personified – emitting aplomb from every orifice. In a word – runcible. Concerned with only the most pressing matters – such as Britain’s future export markets.
To conclude proceedings, Theresa May then patriotically passed around a plate of the all-British-ingredient equivalents of Ferrero Rocher. “Prime Minister, with these marmite-encrusted scotch eggs you are really spoiling us” announced one Tory MP, to the delight of all.
And with that, Prime Minister’s Questions was won – fo’ shizzle.