The Right-Minded View: Reds Under The Beds

by richardhutton

In my view, the British press is quite right to warn the general public that as many as a handful of people were once involved with a faintly left-wing political group, before joining the Labour Party.

Now, many naysayers have scoffed at such a suggestion – dismissing it as the febrile maundering of overheated imaginations; with no more than a tiny number of people ineligibly joining Labour.

What they fail to realise, however, is that this is no ordinary bout of entryism – it is, instead, a development of homeopathic infiltration: all it takes is one Red under every four thousand or so beds for Britain to fall prey to….


The true scale of this problem is simply astounding, despite its non-existence; and should not be underestimated, merely because it is mathematically impossible. Even the British media, which routinely struggles to find any racists in our country – and wasn’t able to locate a single Labour supporter who voted to remain in the EU, even though the overwhelming majority of them did – is having no trouble at all finding communists galore.

It turns out that a cult of Trotskyites – cunningly disguised as teenagers, disabled people, and pensioners – has been lying in wait for years. Waiting, watching; perched, poised. Allowing every previous opportunity for their insurrection to pass – and only now revealing themselves, shorn of disguise; just to annoy a few people in the Labour Party.

And what is behind this menace? Well, we all know the answer to that. As one Labour source told somebody or another: “Jeremy Corbyn has clearly been fixated by the political ideology and tactics of Leon Trotsky for quite some time. Mr Corbyn brutally enforces his own Soviet-style leadership, through the devious ploy of getting a majority of members and supporters to vote for him. Quite frankly, it’s outrageous that in this day and age that sort of thing should be going on. Auction the Labour Party on Ebay, I say. Let it be sold to the highest bidder – without any of this ‘democracy’ nonsense”.

Of particular pertinence here is the influx of youthful sorts into the Labour Party – who are initially enticed by the alluring calls to build more council houses; only to fall prey to the forceful seductions of Trotskyism. If young people these days can have their virtues tempted by anything, it’s doctrinal ideology. The attention-span of teenagers, in particular, is famously inexhaustible. Once they have imbibed prolix essays from the 1920’s, they are then taken to a secret dungeon, and force-fed quinoa until they pledge allegiance to the Communist God Of Fashionable Grains.

Of course, the Labour leader – Mr Corbyn – denies all of this: asking people to take empirical reality into account, instead of subscribing to hearsay; and apply reason, while maintaining a clear sense of proportion. Sounds like something Stalin would say, in my opinion.

What I propose, therefore, is a simple method of testing whether somebody is a Trotskyite Entryist, or not. A sort of show-trial, if you will. First, the accused’s limbs should be bound; before being promptly pitched into the Thames (or the nearest available river, if travel is not an option). If the suspect floats, well, that proves their commitment to social-change by non-democratic means.

If they should sink however; and – to use the overly emotive language favoured by those on the left of the spectrum – drown, well, that demonstrates that they are innocent of all charges; and will be welcome to join the Labour Party, as soon as a proxy – such as a local mortician – fills out the correct paperwork on their behalf. This is just commonsense.

And you can’t apply too much commonsense when it comes to Trotskyites. As many as six currently hold office in the Irish Parliament – and we all know that Ireland has been a communist worker’s republic for many a year, now. According to one well placed source, who managed to escape recently – by taking a week’s vacation in Britain: “Irish cats are now forced to say ‘Mao’ instead of ‘miaow'”.

We all know where that leads:


Thanks to these goings on, respectable people now live in a state of perpetual fear. When I asked a Labour source about this, they replied “what on earth are you talking about? That’s a complete load of nonsense”. Clear evidence that they were being intimidated. You see, it may very well be a complete load of nonsense; but it’s Corbyn’s fault that it’s a complete load of nonsense.

Stay vigilant. You can’t be too careful when faced with the prospect of Reds Under Beds. You really can’t.