The Right-Minded View: PMQs – 23rd March 2016

by richardhutton

Today was a success like no other for the Prime Minister; and the media is right to applaud.

PM Cameron has just overseen the delivery of a Budget which will tackle poverty, by increasing it; end homelessness, by increasing it; and reduce the general unfairness of society, by increasing it. The essence of compassionate conservatism, distilled to its core.

And yet, throughout today’s proceedings, Mr Jeremy Corbyn insisted on being impertinent – if not faintly disagreeable. ‘Poverty’ this, ‘homelessness’ that, ‘unfairness’ the other. Nobody wishes to hear about such things: certainly not journalists, who might otherwise avoid having to spend time transcribing such fripperies.

It matters not, however – Cameron was imperious as ever. First, he opened with a statement about the Brussels attacks, promising to “stand with all countries affected”. This he did: demonstrating that he is a man of his actions, the Prime Minister had adorned his loins in specially-prepared underwear, dyed in the red, black, and gold of Belgium’s flag. He then offered a firm gesture of upstanding solidarity to the Belgian people.

Matters proceeded. Mr Corbyn asked the Prime Minister why disabled people are having their incomes reduced, in order to fund tax-cuts for people who are wealthy. The PM neutralized Corbyn’s mild-mannered barrage of questions by using superior footwork: deftly side-stepping them; before pointing to a light-bulb with his statesmanlike index-finger.

Corbyn subsequently queried why homelessness has increased so dramatically; particularly among disabled people. ‘Shut up’ the Prime Minister explained.

A government backbencher asked, in a hard-hitting manner, whether David Cameron would agree that his policies are brilliant; and that he is the best Prime Minister ever. Cameron reluctantly said he would be forced to agree.

Finally, the Labour leader voiced concern about the major upsurge of poverty among people subject to disability benefit reforms. Cameron responded with a gesture of rectal fiscitude; to the admiration of many: he stepped forward into the centre of the Commons floor, dropped down on to the carpet, and began spinning in a statesmanlike manner; forcefully declaiming ‘your mother!’ every time Corbyn’s shoes entered his line of sight. He then stood up, dusted himself down, and returned to his seat, in the Prime Ministerial vein to which we have become accustomed.

With that the day was won.