The Right-Minded View: Iain Duncan Smith Is Advised To End Work Capability Assessments

by richardhutton

I am not sure why people are complaining about Professor (though he is far too modest to ever use the title) Iain Duncan Smith, quite frankly. He is merely helping people to help themselves.

For too long, it has been assumed that the only way to lift disabled people out of poverty is to make them less poor. What Prof. Smith suggests, however, is a financially credible alternative: simply make people less disabled instead; through applying a steady course of Believeonomics – the very subject he gained his PHD in, from the University of Perugia.

This is really quite an elementary programme, all told. First, you test whether somebody is genuinely disabled – and, certainly if the Daily Mail is correct, we all know somebody who knows someone whose friend’s relative is on nodding acquaintance with a neighbour; who – having had several heart-attacks and a stroke – considers the old 9 to 5 to be beneath them.

The method of assessment is the tried and tested measure of binding somebody’s limbs, attaching a sizable anchor to their waist, and pitching them into a fast-moving river. Should they rise to the surface, then they are clearly not sufficiently disabled to require state support; and it can naturally be withdrawn from them post-haste. Should they sink, however; and – to use the overly emotive language favoured by Smith’s critics – be swept away, and never rise to breathe air again, then we would know that their disability was genuine.

Once disability has been established in this manner, Believeonomics can proceed to its second stage: those short of the odd limb, or two, will be mentored by a work coach until the missing appendages have grown back; while those incapacitated by chronic illness will regain their focus through the positive impact of a sanctions-based diet. This is all for their own benefit, of course.

As the good professor himself has explained “we must pound people with the iron-fist of compassion; and grind them beneath the boot-heel of kindness”. The power of positive thought is limitless.