PMQs – 9th March 2016

by richardhutton

Dear, oh dear. Yet another poor performance from the leader of the opposition. ‘Poverty’ this, ‘record numbers of people living in’ that. Nobody wants to hear about such matters. Certainly not journalists, who have far better things to be doing with their time than reporting on the state of society, after all.

By contrast the PM’s performance was simply undeniable: sleek, polished, and unbending; with prime ministerial qualities exuding from every orifice. The remit before him was clear. The weather outside: inclement; although of the kind to be expected at this time of year.

“Law-abiding criminals, exercising their legal entitlements, represent everything that is wrong with our country” Cameron sensibly intoned. His bold plan of action for those in need of some gumption – otherwise known as people who are too ill to work – was simply imperious:

“People missing the odd limb, or two, will be mentored by a work coach, situated at a local foodbank, until the missing appendages have grown back; while those incapacitated by severe obesity will experience the positive impact of a sanctions-based diet. This is for their own benefit, of course”. As the Prime Minister continued: “we will crush them with the iron-fist of compassion. Grind them with the boot-heel of kindness!”.

But it is the style, rather than the substance, of Cameron’s delivery which really warrants the superlatives; possessed as he is with a truly Prime Ministerial index finger: one which repays close inspection – muscular, statesmanlike, and endlessly poised. Able and willing to point at even the most seemingly irrelevant of objects without hesitation – in a manner unseen since the swashbuckling adventures of Admiral Nelson, during the Battle of Trafalgar. The PM’s vision proved no less keen than that of his forebear.

To wit:

(Jeremy Corbyn) Why is the Prime Minister reducing disability benefits by £30 per week, when the recipients are too ill to work?

(David Cameron) Your mother!

[Prime Minister points to a light bulb]

And with that victory was secured.

Snap verdict: an 11 out of 10 performance from Cameron. Mr Corbyn really must do better.

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