PMQ’s – 24th February 2016

by richardhutton

Land of Hope and Glory

Just as a battle for England was once won on the fields of Peterloo, so too has Britain’s Prime Minister successfully rekindled the spirit of Dunkirk this week; and triumphed in like manner.

‘Battling for Britain’ would be a case of putting our Prime Minister’s endeavours mildly, however. Unlike the Home Guard, PM Cameron did not have to contend with mere mechanised forces, fiery bombardments from above, and highly trained combatants from below – but with a far more grievous foe indeed: namely, convivial diplomats.

Nonetheless, despite the exhaustion borne of spending an entire day working the same hours as a Junior Doctor, our Prime Minister was unperturbed throughout – half Winston Churchill, half Lord Cardigan, half Admiral Nelson, Cameron was simply dauntless before the cannonade of Eurocrats: no quarter was given – no blind-eye unturned. He began the day asking for nothing, and – adroitly surpassing even the lowest of expectations – he has delivered.

Appearing in Downing Street a day later, heralding his victory in Europe, Cameron wheeled into view atop a stand-up speedy scooter – hand-crafted from a single piece of patriotic British beechwood:


Thus, in a moment for the ages, did the Prime Minister address the nation:

“Within the last twenty four hours, I have negotiated a deal to give the UK special status in the European Union.

Now, let me be clear: I do not love Brussels. I love Britain – in the way that only a man can love an inanimate land-mass: that is, by always going the whole hog; with an upstanding firmness, of no slight order. And today’s proceedings have been deeply satisfying, in every way imaginable.

I profoundly believe that the British people will be better off remaining in a reformed Europe, than we would be out on our own. Let me tell you why. Brexit will not be SupercalifragilisticBrexpialidocious as Brexiteers claim. On the contrary, Brextremists who make Brexcessive Brexhortations risk leading to a wholesale Brexodus, which will cause a Brexistential crisis of Brextraordinary proportions: possibly jeopardising our entire Brexistence.

By striking this bargain, however – the terms and conditions of which the general public need not concern themselves with overly – we can continue to Brexercise our rights at home, and Brexert our influence abroad, without Brexceeding sensible limits. Nor is this the only Brexception gained – I have negotiated Brexpedient Brexemptions, which will withstand even the most Brextensive Brexaminations.

Despite what some Brexclaim, it is not necessary for us to Brexeunt the European Union – instead, we can simply ignore the Brextraneous elements, such as employment rights; and retain the Brexcellent parts – for Brexample, Brexempting our financial district from any effective oversight.

And that is why I will be campaigning to persuade the British people to remain in the reformed European Union that we have secured today. I mean that from the bottom of my heart”.

This did not quell mutiny in the ranks, however. Having returned to our shores, David Cameron found himself besieged on all sides. Many would quail in such circumstances – but in moments of crisis, that is when you find our Prime Minister at his best: no matter how rough the going may be, the chin is always up, the upper lip is never less than stiff; and the trousers are always creased.

The scene was set; the battle-lines drawn: the weather outside – fair to middling. Channeling the inner terrier – or, at least, the mettlesome qualities of a particularly tenacious breed of sheep – PM Cameron promptly commenced another skirmish in the House of Commons; with foes fore, aft, and if not port, then certainly starboard:

(Labour Party Leader) There seems to be a discrepancy or two between what the government is saying, and what it is actually proposing here.

(David Cameron) Your mother!

(SNP leader) Does the Prime Minister agree that an in vote, or an outvote, or a fifty-fifty split, will signify the necessity for Scottish independence?

(David Cameron) Your mother!

(Liberal Democrat leader) Surely the Prime Minister should be addressing the actual reasons for seeking continued membership of…

(David Cameron) Your mother!

(Conservative Backbencher) Would…

(David Cameron) Et Tu, BoJo?

(Conservative Backbencher) Well…

(David Cameron) Your mother!

(Conservative Backbencher) But…

(David Cameron) Your mother!

(Conservative Backbencher) Yes, but…

(David Cameron) Your mother!

(Conservative Backbencher) It’s just…

(David Cameron) Your mother!

(Conservative Backbencher) Okay.

(David Cameron) Your mother!

And with that, victory was assured. A commanding performance by PM Cameron – to rival anything Pyrrhus of Epirus might have achieved in his time. From Britain’s Prime Minister, however, it is merely the kind that we have come to expect, as a matter of course. A similar approach to differences of opinion was one of the great strengths of the Spanish Inquisition, in fact; but this is beside the point.

The usual Leftists may very well say that Cameron was only staging a fatuously gratuitous exercise in order to appease various malcontents; and is willing to damage the entire country in order to play to the gallery for his own personal gain – but this simply goes to show how much they over-think these matters.

Who needs to be in charge of their own destiny, when they have leadership such as David Cameron’s? And if Cameron should romp home to an impressive second-place in the upcoming referendum, then he will simply put the full resources of his intellect to good use; and negotiate favourable new trade-treaties with foreign countries such as Iceland, Aldi, or Danepak.

This was not D. Day – but D.C. Day; and D. C. brought home the bacon. Now the only thing which stands in the way of victory is defeat!