The Right-Minded View On David Cameron’s EU Reforms

by richardhutton

It is necessary to inject some realism into this most pressing of concerns. Unlike the metropolitan elites, I, for one, applaud David Cameron’s efforts to strike a better deal for Britain in Europe.

The ten principles which our dauntless PM proposes should be considered on their own merits, I say; and deserve a fair hearing:

1. Restoring national pride: there is something about tradition and simplicity which always has its place; and David Cameron is both wed to traditional values, and very simple. As such, all British citizens will be given, at birth, a British-made teapot, and a native-baked loaf of bread. This will put lead back into the pencil of the nation.

2. Restoring British law and order: should we wait until a crime has been committed before we act, as the Europeans insist? If we are honest with ourselves, isn’t it the case that we all know in advance who is likely to go and lead a life of crime? The human rights brigade will be up in arms, no doubt; but I say the Human Rights Act gets in the way of commonsense. Therefore, not only should we discard it, but we should take anyone called Darren, or ‘Shaz’, and lock them up forthwith. While the odd miscarriage of justice may occur, now and then, this can be chalked-up as a character building experience.

3. Reinstating British values into religion: God, like all sensible people, is against the EU.

4. Restoring sovereignty: we must put a stop to the gold-plating of rules forced upon us by EUSSR Brussels; on such things as competitive vole-wrestling matches, for example.

5. Controlled borders: every single border in the land – from border collies, to page borders – will be subject to the strict scrutiny of a specialised select committee. If there is even the fraction of a millimeter’s discrepancy between the margins of one A4 sheet and another, or between one sheepdog’s ear-lobe and another, then they shall be deported immediately. No ifs; no buts.

6. Economy: the minimum wage should be indexed to the price of a pint. This is just commonsense.

7. (To be confirmed).

8. Immigration: we will lobby rather hard to restrict access to Britain among certain sorts, from certain places in the world. Unless they happen to have a modest pile to their name – in which case we will be the very vanguard of cheerful acceptance.

9. Agricultural policy: we will apply a Britain First scheme – whereby every greengrocer throughout the land shall be required, by law, to place native-grown fruit and vegetables at the front of their shop shelves. The nation’s children shall learn the true merits of an honest British potato.

10. (To be confirmed).

Thank God we have Mr Cameron fighting on our behalf, I say. Underneath the convivial exterior, beats the heart of a fearless English lion, a valiant British bulldog, or at least a particularly mettlesome breed of sheep.