How To Solve The European Migrant Crisis – A Modest Proposal
It seems clear to me that the only effective way to solve this so-called ‘migrant crisis’ is by using simple, British commonsense: the kind that simple British people excel at.
Rather than give people a hand-out, we should be giving them a hand-up. That is to say, instead of doling out life-jackets, and plucking people out of the sea, it would be far better to take the long-view, and instruct them in the virtues of moral fibre.
What I propose, therefore, is that instead of our Navy performing so-called ‘rescue missions’ (I can think of a less charitable description for them), we organise a fleet of British ships, with abundant megaphones, and boatloads of right-thinking Britons; who can then locate anyone treading water in the Med, and impart firm life-lessons, in European values, which will set them on the best course in life.
For example, in between wrestling with the waves, refugees can learn the importance of respecting the personal safety of women. When an overcrowded boat crashes into coastal rocks, survivors can be taught the merits of an independent judicial system. While stranded parents retain their grip on the pieces of debris keeping them afloat, they can learn about the importance of separating church and state. As young children cling desperately to the bosom of the only surviving adult in their vicinity, members of the Silent Majority can rally around, megaphones in hand, and voluminously explain to them the necessity for pulling one’s self up by the bootstraps, if you want to get anywhere in this world. And should any have made it to the nearby shores, well then they can be greeted upon arrival by a local committee; which will immediately – and rigorously – educate them about the time-honoured European value of showing unstinting generosity, towards those in need. This is something newcomers to Europe would do well to take on board.
No doubt the usual sorts will interrupt at this point; and say something to the effect that “a humanitarian catastrophe has emerged directly out of the very mainstream of European politics – because the general hostility towards migrants and refugees has grown to dangerous levels with the complicity of mainstream politicians, media pundits, and many members of the public”; but that is a very negative attitude, in my opinion. Yes, some people will fail to raise themselves successfully to our high-standards; and – to use the overly emotive language favoured by the do-gooders – drown. But we are not doing this because we want to – no. We are doing this because we care. The only way to keep Europe civilised, and retain our moral values, is by using the iron fist of compassion. Along with our megaphones.
It is we who are suffering a refugee crisis, after all. By comparison, these migrants have it easy.