The Right-Minded View On English Tests For Migrant Women

by richardhutton

This is an eminently sensible scheme. I am surprised anybody could find a single fault. If anything, it doesn’t go far enough in its quest to teach foreign-sorts to speak British well, like what natives can.

You can’t be too careful with this sort of thing, either. One moment somebody is dropping the Oxford comma; the next, they mistake ‘Halal meat’ for a greeting popular among Geordies. Then where will it end? With small enclaves of people, living in communities where English isn’t spoken as a first language – if at all. Rumour has it that there are entire neighbourhoods in Wales and Scotland where this circumstance applies. Also, the city of Hull.

In fact, it really is quite brave of David Cameron to confront the issue of sexism among foreign men. It’s truly a day to behold when our Prime Minister bemoans patriarchy. Thankfully, we live in a country where no such circumstance has ever existed – because we simply have better manners in Britain. That’s why as many as 25% of MPs are female – striking a clear equilibrium; and setting the best of examples for citizens of all kinds to follow.

Whats more, unlike patriarchal foreigners – who want to suppress women by isolating them, physically and linguistically, from British society – Mr Cameron offers an egalitarian approach, instead; by simply threatening to remove these women from our society altogether.

No doubt the usual Leftists will gainsay at this point; and suggest that this is the most blatant example of dog-whistle politics since the last time a politician wanted a boost in the common denominators. They may even point to something of a disparity between promoting the merits of education, while presiding over a wholesale dismantlement of scholastic facilities.

One or two may go so far as to contend that the previous five years of government policies have had a disproportionately adverse socioeconomic impact upon women, weakening their position in society; and that this tends to affect Muslim women more than any other group. ‘Poverty’ this’; ‘closure of domestic violence refuges’ that. But they would be quite wrong, of course. In fact, we can’t move too swiftly on this issue.

Our entire fate as a nation hangs in the balance. As my Newsagent, Mr Lynton Crosby, remarked, during one of his brief moments of sobriety:

“There are already communities where you can no longer build white snowmen, for fear of upsetting certain sensibilities. It is political correctness gone mad! Sharia Bovril will be next. Mark my words – Sharia Bovril! People flooding their intestines with liquid jihad!”

Complete chaos and disintegration will almost certainly follow.

The only solution to all of this is to put foreign-sorts through a three point assimilation scheme: that is, a language-based programme in British values. Firstly, people should be taught how to complain about things. Secondly, they must learn how to describe inclement weather. And thirdly, they should learn the meaning of English words such as ‘hypocrisy’, ‘humbug’, and ‘playing to the gallery’.

All told, it is important that newcomers to our shores integrate successfully into the normal British way of life – the kind exemplified by our very Prime Minister, whose example they would do well to follow. For instance, Muslims often eschew pork, which strikes many as a touch impolite. By contrast PM Cameron is never anything less than a perfect gentleman, even when in the company of a gammon-piece, which is succulent enough to tempt virtue aside.

Goodness knows what all of this adds up to, but it certainly demonstrates the merits of acquiring the English language upon arrival in our shores.