The Prime Minister’s Christmas Message

by richardhutton

If there is one thing people want at Christmas, it’s the security of having their family around them, and a home which is safe. Only some people deserve this, however. That is why we have reformed the social security system, in a way which has left a record number of people homeless; and many more dependent upon the charitable works of foodbanks, in order to eat this winter.

What’s more, millions of families are living in refugee camps or makeshift shelters throughout the Middle East, driven from their homes by Isis – who we were going to assist in their efforts two years ago; or by President Assad – who stands to benefit from our current combat operations. Many people are setting sail for the safe lands of Europe, in boats which are not seaworthy. The only way for us to help them effectively is to prevent them arriving in our country; and to deport them forthwith if any do. This is for their own benefit of course. In order to keep things civilised, and retain our moral superiority to brutal foreign regimes – some of whom we don’t provide with material and diplomatic support – we must use the iron fist of compassion.

Throughout the United Kingdom itself, some people will spend the festive period ill, homeless, or alone. I have written a stiff letter of complaint to my local council about this situation, in fact; criticising the UK’s government for the unwelcome and counter-productive budget-cuts which have been imposed upon the country, by whoever it is that’s responsible.

We must pay tribute to the thousands of doctors, nurses, carers and similarly nefarious public-sector sorts, who give up their Christmas to help the vulnerable – not literally pay tribute, I should add. Let it be understood that no financial support of any kind will be given to these people. Quite the contrary, as it happens.

We should also spare a thought for those who are spending this season even further from home, however – namely, our Armed Forces, who are are doing their duty, around the world; all while braving unprecedented cutbacks. Though many thousands of people may have been collaterally damaged in recent years, those who survive our humanitarian intervention can only gain in character what they lose in homes, livestock, or limbs.

It is because of these endeavors that we enjoy peace in our time. And that is what we mark today as we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ – the Prince of Peace. As a Christian-ish country, give or take, we must remember what his birth represents: peace, mercy, goodwill; and sensibly ignore that whole part about paying taxes, or selling what you own and giving the money to the poor. Handouts only ever encourage dependency, after all. And when was Jesus heard to mention capital gains – or environmentalism? Not once – because he believed in the value of self-sufficiency. He always did the right thing by his betters; and made his own way in life.

I believe therefore that we should reflect on the fact that it is precisely because of these important religious roots, and Christian values, that Britain has been such a successful home to people of all faiths and none. In that spirit, we should all be willing to ‘make an appearance’ once in a while, so to speak – particularly when one of the more influential personages is reported to be visiting the local church.

So, as many of us come together with our loved ones, in safety and security, let us think of those who cannot do the same; while eschewing any consideration as to why this might be. Let us give thanks to those who are helping the vulnerable at home, and protecting our freedoms abroad; while saying as little as possible about those who are refusing to help the vulnerable abroad, while undermining our freedoms at home.

And let me wish everyone in Britain and around the world a very happy and peaceful Christmas. Also, I’m not entirely sure what Hogmanay is, but I like the sound of it.

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