The Case For War, In Ten Easy Steps.
‘What could be easier than making a case for war?’, you ask. Well, nothing, as these ten simple steps will demonstrate:
1) We can’t just do nothing. Therefore, we must do something. Doing something is doing something.
2) It’s an act of self-defence – a pre-retaliation, if you will. For safety’s sake, it’s much better to bomb first, and then let Mr Chilcot spend the next twenty years writing a report about why it was a bad move, than to let the window of opportunity pass.
3) It will protect civilians – our precision-engineered explosives can differentiate between a civilian and a combatant, just as easily as they can discern a bunker from a hospital. Besides, the odd bit of collateral damage never did anybody any harm. If anything, humanitarian intervention breeds character in those who survive it.
4) Yes – the last war was a lesser-success, of sorts – or ‘disaster’, if you will – in many ways precipitating the current situation; and subsequent military endeavours not only failed to improve circumstances, but made matters even worse. This time will be different, however, for one very simple reason – which is so obvious that it requires no further elaboration here at all.
5) In fact, pacifists are the whole reason the last series of wars failed to achieve their objectives. Even though those opposing warfare have never impeded a single one, let alone prevented any, they managed to undermine the war effort from day one.
6) Actually if there is another reason why previous wars failed, it was due to the timing. If only they had been launched on a weekday, instead of a weekend – when people weren’t really up for it – then everything would have fallen into place. We won’t make that mistake again.
7) This threat is without precedent in history – a group of unsavory men, armed with weapons – and we must respond immediately, before anyone has had a chance to over-think matters.
8) This is no time for appeasement – not if we want peace in our time. We can’t very well negotiate with these people, after all; only military force will work, because they believe that violence is the only solution to any conflict.
9) Popular opinion is with us: most people support this war. Sure, most people support anything until it turns out to be wrong; but this hasn’t turned out to be wrong yet. It will all be over before Christmas, anyway.
10) Well, okay – it probably won’t work; but we can’t just do nothing. Therefore, we must do something. Doing something is doing something.