Some Right-Thinking Thoughts About Modern Manhood & The Masculinity Crisis

by richardhutton

As a self-made man – that is, one who made their own way in life, without any help from others; armed only with a bit of pluck, some gumption, and a generous trust fund – I am often left aghast at the modern state of manhood. I remember a time when men were men, women were women, and the miscellaneous were miscellaneous (I was only ever curious myself, rather than fully exploratory, as my wife grew to accept – but that is by the by). There is little wonder that masculinity is currently in a crisis to rival any in history – such as the great Chinese porcelain shortage of the 18th century, for example.

The solution is at hand, however. I believe that my own life lessons herein should be imparted as an illustrative example to all.

Nowhere is it more important for men to accomplish manhood than when learning how to make dalliance with one’s better half, using due decorum. My years may be advanced in number, but they have by no means left me lacking in vigour. My standard approach to the whole hows-your-father business is as follows – a good clearance of the throat, followed by the raising of one eyebrow, a brisk folding of the newspaper (one of the more sensible ones) – placing it down firmly upon the table – before raising the second eyebrow, and then finally murmuring ‘darling, brace yourself’. Naturally, my wife then signals her assent with a roll of the eyes.

Five minutes later, when all has been said and done, we then discuss a variety of invigorating topics – from lawn maintenance and crop rotation, to the shortcomings of our neighbour’s loft renovation. Now, I’m not normally one to suggest that other people follow my example; but, if young men want to enjoy a 35 year-stint of marital bliss, likewise, I can only recommend taking a leaf out of my book.

While I believe my own life-story to be more than instructive, I recognise that there are plenty of other men who set a fine example of manhood, for anyone and everyone to emulate at will. Look no further than our proud country’s benevolent Prime Minister, for instance – never anything less than a perfect gentleman in the company of gammon; no matter how succulent the portion. While the Chancellor of the Exchequer understands what all men should – that business is business, and it’s important to ensure that the books have been cooked properly at all times; Mr Iain Duncan Smith ably demonstrates that it is not education which makes the man, but the cut of one’s jib. It’s important to remember where you came from in life, and remain grounded all the while – that’s why, despite graduating from the most prestigious university in Perugia, Mr Smith is never too proud to eat breakfast, while using the khazi.

What these gentlemen know is that manhood is not a question of who wears the trousers, but where upon one’s anatomy they are worn. What’s more, if all else has been followed to the letter, then a stiff drink and a brisk read of the Sunday papers will take care of the rest.