The Right-Minded View: On the Syrian Refugee Crisis

by richardhutton

Speaking at a conference of right-thinking people from all walks of life, particularly the South East, the Home Secretary, Theresa May, opined as follows:

my message to the immigration campaigners and human rights lawyers is this – you can play your part in making this happen or you can try to frustrate it. But if you choose to frustrate it, you will have to live with the knowledge that you are depriving people in genuine need of the sanctuary our country can offer.

And I, for one, agree.

It really is high-time that those who campaign for more humane treatment of refugees, and who seek to uphold our country’s legal obligations to them, realised that they are entirely to blame for the predicament of their charges. This is simple commonsense.

However, I can’t help but feel that the Home Secretary has perhaps been got at, somewhat, by the PC Brigade – or perhaps has maybe fallen prey to her own inner kindness and good nature? I note that the majority of readers under an article in the pages of the Independent, likewise, seem to share Ms May’s limitless wells of compassion; seemingly without bounds. It falls to the right-thinking among us to set them straight.

I am not an expert, but my newsagent, Mr Lynton Crosby – who, in his moments of sobriety, is as philanthropic a fellow as one could wish to avoid; and proud owner of the largest and finest collection of men’s brassieres in this side of the city – has read one or two articles in the Daily Mail about this sort of thing; and according to him, modern non-scientific techniques have identified what he calls the ‘asylum-seeking gene’ (“fifth gene on the left” he says, with a nod).

It is a consensus among the non-scientific community – and therefore in-keeping with the thinking of Theresa May – that people who live in war-zones, under tyrannous regimes, and who are subject to persecution, have a 95% genetic predisposition (with a 5% margin for error) of seeking refuge at some point in life; for reasons which defy any obvious explanation.

Therefore rather than ‘sending the blighters back’, as our benevolent Home Secretary suggests, we really ought to nip this sort of thing in the bud, by giving these people a good, sound talking to from day one – setting them on the straight and narrow, so to speak. Only thus can we prevent this problem arising in the first place.

We could perhaps take this scheme a step further, as benevolence permits; and ensure that those new-comers who do arrive in our country are given leeway to how’s-your-father a piece of gammon amongst friends; to show that they have fully integrated into the British way of life – in-keeping with the sterling example our nation’s Prime Minister has set.

All right-thinking people will surely agree with Mr Cameron, Ms May, and their fellow-travellers at the Crocodile Tears Foundation For Humane Gestures, when they say that “by the bayonet or the bullet, they shall not pass! This is for their own good, of course”.

The only way to keep things civilised, and retain our moral superiority to brutal foreign regimes – many of them waging wars which, according to the aforementioned, necessity compels us to intervene in – is by using the iron fist of compassion.