The Right-Minded View: on #PigGate

by richardhutton

I have often found myself at odds with the modern world. I may not be ‘with it’ as such, but I am better informed than most. I remember a more innocent time, when a politician eating a bacon sandwich stimulated the media’s nationwide spleen; and grow increasingly disconcerted when not entirely unrelated rumours become levelled at this country’s vigorous, glossy, and unbending Prime Minister.

There is nothing worse than idle gossip, in my opinion – particularly among those who have probably never done a real day’s work in their lives. Who among us can honestly say they haven’t popped the old hows-your-fathers into a butcher’s offcut?* Only the type of leftists who cannot get past the very mundane fact that our nation’s Prime Minister once made dalliance with the deceased and porcine.

It is simply not fair to dredge up a man’s past in such an uncharitable manner. Besides which, 37 generations ago, one of Jeremy Corbyn’s ancestors used their neighbour’s coracle as a spitoon. Corbyn has yet to accept responsibility for this, an uncharitable person might add. What is more, Corbyn once patted a yak in a friendly manner. Not doing something you’ve been accused of by malicious gossips in the media, is exactly the same as actually doing something you’ve been accused of by your peers and acquaintances, when they are in a good position to know. People who object to this simply misunderstand the false equivalences.

More to the point, here, everybody is entitled to the odd youthful indiscretion – unless they are wearing hooded-tops at the time; or happen to be under the influence of modern music, in which case it is only natural that they be pelted with the old five-a-days, and have the keys discarded in perpetuity.

As my newsagent – Mr Lynton Crosby – avers (in between draughts of something he keeps beneath the counter): “In my time as a student at the University of Life, I have known many a fellow – anxious to join a prestigious fraternity – who would take a turkey, and give it all the Christmas trimmings, so to speak. Yes, they would be degraded to some extent; but it would all be done respectfully. That is to say, only in the vicinity of those who had made something of themselves in life; and were therefore entitled to behave this way”.

What the socialists cannot appreciate is that this is merely another episode which serves to demonstrate the fine leadership qualities which Mr Cameron has long exemplified – no true blue-blooded Conservative would ever scotch the opportunity to debase themselves before the ranks of those they wished to ingratiate among. What Mr Cameron knows is that fate despises the lukewarm – one must therefore go the whole hog, at all times. Furthermore, in contrast to the many virtue-signallers hereabouts, those of us who are true patriots firmly believe that the pig’s wages should be given to soldiers.

All told, #piggate has made be proud to be British.

* Well, I can; but having rubbed-up against all sorts in my time, I’m not inclined to judge.