Diary Of Reginald Horace (2nd August 2015)

by richardhutton

I have been reading several thought-provoking pieces lately, in the more sensible publications, about the Calais migrant crisis.

I can’t help but feel that those people demanding that we ‘send them back’ (I paraphrase their right-thinking commonsense, for brevity’s sake), may have been unduly influenced by the P.C. brigade – or perhaps have merely fallen prey to their own good nature and humanitarian instincts?

I am not an expert, but my newsagent, Mr Lynton Crosby (in his moments of sobriety, he remains as warm-hearted a fellow as one could wish to avoid), has read one or two periodicals about this sort of thing; and according to him, modern non-scientific techniques have identified what he calls the ‘asylum-seeking gene’ (“fifth gene on the left” he says, with a nod). It is a consensus among the non-scientific community – and therefore in-keeping with the spirit of our times – that people who live in war-zones, with harsh governing regimes – and who are subject to persecution – have an inexplicable 95% genetic predisposition (with a 5% margin for error) of seeking refuge at some point in life.

Therefore rather than ‘sending them back’, as our most compassionate and anonymous journalists suggest, we really ought to nip this sort of thing in the bud, by giving these people a good, sound talking to – setting them on the straight and narrow, so to speak. Only thus can we prevent this problem arising in the first place. All right-thinking people will therefore surely agree with Professor Theresa May from the Crocodile Tears Foundation For Humane Gestures, when she says that “By the bayonet or the bullet, they shall not pass. For their own good, of course”.

One of the great problems of democracy, as we all know, is that people will insist on having their own opinion about such things. It falls to the right-thinking – the decent among us – to set them straight. In short, the only way to keep things civilised, and retain our moral superiority to brutal foreign regimes, is by using the iron fist of compassion.