Some Right-Thinking Thoughts On The Labour Leadership Contest

It seems to me that there is only one fitting, credible, and viable candidate for the post of Labour leader: Nigel Farage.

He has all the necessary credentials for this post – a self-made success story, able to bounce-back from resignation, with lightning speed. The greatest British tactician since Lord Cardigan, he single-handedly reduced the number of MPs in Labour’s rival party – Ukip – by 50%, at one fell stroke. A true man of the people, changing his position as soon as the one he’s previously held proves at odds with public sympathy. This is because he knows it makes perfect sense to resist nailing your colours to the mast. What happens if the ship crashes into rocks, and sinks? You would look very foolish indeed. That’s why he’s just at home downing a pint at the Quick Fix, as he would be at the Slaughtered Lamb; and just as happy to talk about changing this country and building a fairer, more equal society; while keeping it exactly the same, and simply renaming these things ‘aspirational’.

A hardworking fellow, naturally – people often say that the only easy thing in life is being wrong, and that this is hardly worth the effort. Well, Farage disagrees – he makes the effort. What’s more, unlike Prosecco socialists, educated at exclusive comprehensive schools – or elite secondary moderns – he has demonstrated that no education of any kind got him where he is in life.

Above all else, he has something to offer every branch of the party – for the socialist wing (who should be grateful for what they’re given), he merely wants to abolish the BBC licence fee, rather than have its purveyors locked up. What’s more, he is utterly devoid of anything remotely resembling a principle, which should suit the Blairites to a T. He is also capable of appealing to swing-voters, through being courageous enough to state plainly that those of us who are doing very nicely for ourselves should not give a gliding possum about anyone else.

Farage epitomises British Values, such as saying one thing, then doing another. On civil liberties he sets the benchmark – sparing no thought for what other people get up to in the how’s-your-father department; and – as we must, these days – makes a fair nod to women’s rights: by graciously permitting them to choose which hats they wear to the party conference (provided they are sufficiently prepossessing).

Perhaps above all else, he represents the silent majority who never vote.

I believe all right-thinking people will surely agree Farage is irrefutably the commonsense choice for Labour leader.

(He would also ensure that nobody with a revealingly metric name, such as Miliband, would be trusted anywhere near the conference buffet).