A Summary Of The Conservative Manifesto 

by richardhutton

Welfare: Those of us who happen to have girded our loins, and earned nicer holidays, should not spare a thought for the wrong sorts.

Economy: We inherited a recovering economy, and swiftly turned that around. What is more, our opponents’ various pledges demonstrate plainly that they are not fit to run the economy, for the right kind of people.

Human Rights: Disagreeable opinions will have a time and place – but safely away from any public forum, where they might bother hardworking people; who have more important things to concern themselves with than the antics of bearded lefty-know-alls.

Scottish Independence: Democracy is undemocratic if people choose not to vote for the right sort of candidate.

Education: Students will be taught the skills that business needs – such as which big red buttons they should not press; and why they should never inconvenience their betters with nonsense about pay rises; nor complain about dangerous working conditions.

Poverty: People will be encouraged to follow the example set by government ministers: you never hear them complain about inequality or the like – or moan about having to struggle for money. This is because they simply have better manners than to do so.

Apprenticeships: what is the difference between a remunerated job and a non-remunerated job? Simply that one is paid for doing what the other does just as skilfully, for no financial reward.

Leveson Inquiry: Lefty thought police want to ban you from doing anything vaguely illegal. We will protect the right of Newscorp staff to do as they wish.

Migration: We will lobby rather hard to restrict access to the country for certain personages; but once in, we will be the very vanguard of cheerful acceptance.

Housing: Any fair-minded person can see that the only alternative to the profit motive is the gulag.

British values: Hardwork, freedom, and commonsense – all things that the Liberal Media would like to see banned, and replaced with the words “Irresponsible”, “Selfish”, and “Clarkson”.

Crime: If we’re honest with ourselves, don’t we know who will go on to lead a life of crime, well before any criminal activity has taken place? Therefore anybody named ‘Darren’ or ‘Tracy’ will be locked-up from day one. Tough on crime; tough on suspected crime.

In sum: It really is high-time that Right-minded folk were allowed to take control of things, given the mess that has been made of our country since 1979.