Electoral Diary Of Reginald Horace – 13th April

by richardhutton

Bracing start to second week of my campaign. Visited residents association this morning; to discuss the subject of crime. My pledge was outlined as follows:

‘Today, I intend to address a very marked change in the nature of our society. These days, prisons are not merely too soft, but are in fact so soft that the main problem for the guards is not keeping ne’er-do-wells from breaking out, but rather preventing members of the general public from breaking in.

It is an open secret that this has grown to pose a real problem for our justice system. Week in week out – if not day in, day out – there are literally thousands of taxpayers pounding their fists on the jail doors, excavating tunnels under the walls, and disguising themselves as social workers, all in the hope of gaining admittance to this rent-free holiday camp, in order to avail themselves of the luxurious facilities therein. In addition to being able to watch re-runs of Porridge non-stop on enormous flat-screen televisions – without paying the licence fee I might add (not that anyone should be forced to, no matter what the leftists may wish) – but one is able to don slippers and light up a pipe without fear of prosecution, or chides, from the Health and safety and P.C. brigades respectively’.

[An audience member interjected at this point, and asked if I was serious about this. I therefore continued]

‘Of course. In fact, nobody cares more about keeping their local community safe and respectable than I. To put it mildly, I am appalled by the fact that there is a closed-circuit television camera for every fifty citizens in our country. At the very least, we should have one each, and in that way be able to keep close tabs on ourselves (self-discipline is the first step towards self-reliance, in my book) as well as a careful eye on our more questionable neighbours. Crime rates will only drop for good when those suspected of criminality are safely in prison. Our country has a sterling history on this matter. The signatories of Magna Carta would never have stood for any oversight: they would have stated their disapproval – without mincing words. As I have always said ‘if it was good enough for our forefathers 800 years ago, then it’s good enough for me’. They may not have had closed-circuit cameras back then, for all I know; but they certainly had village gossips. There is little difference’.

It was clear that I had given the audience much to think about. Looks often deceive, but not in this case, I think. A roaring success.