The Electoral Diary Of Reginald Horace
Having tired of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey politics, I have decided to throw my towel into the ring, and today announce my campaign for a seat in Parliament.
As a self-made man, who has made his own way in the world, it is only natural that I should become a Parliamentarian: my ideas are at least as good as anyone else’s; and my life experience is more fitting than most.
I have opted to stand as an independent candidate. This is due to several reasons. Foremost among these, it is because I believe in the virtues of self-sufficiency. To a lesser extent, an unfortunate misunderstanding in my past – which we will not go into here – proved a secondary encouragement, for both me and the political party I initially considered representing (“What are ‘expense-irregularities’ anyway?”, we might well ask).
I may be a traditional sort of fellow; but even I can see that we need a new politics. The only solution to present circumstances is to advance the cause of liberty, using British common-sense.
It is undoubtedly best to prepare the ground thoroughly, and outline my reasons for seeking political office. I have taken the trouble to outline my general thinking on this, and fashion it into a manifesto. I was initially tempted to call this the ‘Danifesto’, as it aims to counteract the Dante’s Inferno-esque nature of modern Britain; but decided that people can sup this particular cup of sulphuric from the headlines in tabloid newspapers easily enough.
My Manifesto For An Independent UK
Education policy will be largely formulated around my own upbringing. I attended the Ayn Rand Academy For Up And Comers. It’s motto is with me still: ‘Education, Education, and Social Advancement – Always In A Tasteful Manner’. The syllabus will instill valuable life-lessons which all young folk would do well to take on board; while the curriculum will train people in the virtues of self-sufficiency. I learned this lesson only too well. What use would the free-school meals have been, for instance, without possession of a sound digestive system to begin with? Beyond school, I received little formal education, but have found that skim-reading the papers now and then is a very good way to compensate for this lacuna. Chief among the many lessons I have learned is that trying to understand complex issues only serves to undermine the whole point of ignoring them in the first place. Therefore intellectual humbuggery will be replaced with a sound schooling in commonsense and British values. With this in mind, University education will be reformed to centre on the three r’s: British values, commonsense, and gumption. Higher education as a whole will be reformulated to give people the skills that business needs: university types will practice how to read relevant manuals, and learn which buttons not to press.
I have a long-term economic plan: the economy will reward hard-working folk, as is only right and proper; rather than the workshy, and other decadent elements. The minimum wage will be tied to the price of a pint. There will be little need for taxation – business leaders are naturally altruistic sorts; who will gladly pay the chaps (and where applicable, chapesses) as much as they can. This will suffice. Child poverty can be eliminated very easily by the simple expedient of a paper-round. This would have the added benefit of clamping down on the childhood obesity epidemic, which has spread throughout this country like wildfire due to the machinations of the nanny state.
Town-square stocks will be reintroduced – these will allow communities to recycle old fruit and vegetables; while imbuing the young with moral fibre. Objections to this can be presumed to originate with the left – and solely because they dislike the prospect of fibrous morals developing among the young.
Policy will be based around the principle ‘what would a man do in these circumstances?’. For example, maternity leave. If pregnancy was a man’s issue, it is safe to say we would give birth on time, and within budget. Half a paracetamol – perhaps two-halves, depending on which part of the country somebody hails from (e.g. Norfolk) and back to work before the afternoon is out. Since sexual equality is the watchword of our time, women can manage likewise.
Traffic wardens will be trained to exercise commonsense; and reward hardworking people with the select use of blind-eyes. A commonsense approach will also be applied to bus lanes – by situating them underground.
I pledge to make unlawful behaviour a criminal offence. Policy will centre on a preventative strategy: should we really wait until a crime has been committed before acting? If we’re honest with ourselves, isn’t it the case that we normally know well in advance who is likely to commit a criminal offence? According to experts in the papers, modern scientific profiling allows us to say with 99% certainty that any person who is young, listens to ‘rap’ music, and plays computer games, is on the low road to no good. I say that prevention is the better part of cure; and we should have the courage to nip a future of anti-social delinquency in the bud. Bleeding-heart liberals will no doubt moan about the odd miscarriage of justice – and suggest that punishing people before a crime has been committed is a shade on the harsh side – but right thinking people will agree that anyone called ‘Darren’ or ‘Shaz’ should – in the interests of us all – be locked-up from day one.
The decent among us should have more of a say over how society is run.
A referendum on this is vital. Referenda are necessary because they enable everyone who doesn’t know what they are voting for to have a say in their own political future. This is why Scotland recently voted down the Law of Gravity, for instance.
God, like the rest of us, is against the EU.
While these will not be prohibited as such, they will be discouraged. To this effect, guidelines will be issued on how to spot the warning signs, and – accordingly – steer well clear. ‘It is better to be safe than sorry’ will be the watchword here – though any involvement of the Health and safety brigade should be considered a step too far, for day-to-day purposes.
It really is high-time that Right-minded folk were allowed to take control of things, given the mess that has been made of our country since 1979, by the endless parade of communists. With this in mind, I now begin my journey to Parliament.