‘Al Qaeda Fomenting Terror Via YouTube: Transcript Of Latest Hit Video’

by richardhutton

‘Al Qaeda Fomenting Terror Via YouTube: Transcript Of Latest Hit Video’

By Helena Fontainebleau – ‘Mail Correspondent For UnBritish Affairs.


Of late, YouTube and similar facilities have been clearing their sites of the most horrifying, terrifying, and extraordinarily long-winded videos made by Al Qaeda Productions Inc. The reason is simple: they are moderately popular.

Osama Bin Laden: In Conversation With A Digital Camera

Fortunately, proper journalists know better. To think that simply deleting such material from websites will make the problem of extremism vanish is naive. It is simplistic.

Only frequent articles describing Al Qaeda’s activities in graphic detail will eliminate their appeal. Solely by outlining their consequences – with utmost explicitness – shall we discourage the view that they are of interest to the general public.

That is why we have overcome tremendous difficulties – braving truly terrible odds – and have replicated a complete transcript of their latest, heart-chilling, digitally-televised message. Here – in an ‘Ull Daily Mail – exclusive, the transcript is revealed in full for the very first time:      

“[Osama into position, facing camera centre. Check lighting. Backdrop erupts into a spectacular display of a desert at night. Osama begins speaking in relentless monotone]

(Osama) We have tried; and in some ways we have failed.

People in countries like Britain have proven simply too brave
And sensible to succumb to scaremongering.
That is why I have compiled an ordered list;
And you should listen – and listen well. 
Men and women who reside in the decadent west, to you I say only this:

Death to Mini Babybel.
Death to Jedward.
Death to soulless reality television shows.
Death to ‘controversial’ programmes on Channel Four.
For ‘controversial’ read ‘wishy washy’ and ‘mediocre’.

[Wag finger]

Death to pointless eighties revival nostalgia –
The eighties were over-rated.
Death to people whining that they wish it was the nineties again.
They miss their youth; not the decade. 
Death to podcasts.
Death to the internet itself, in fact –
The internet is decadent and cliquey.
It could have been used to create
The greatest library the world has ever known;
And aid communication between continents.
And what is it used for?
Wikipedia and free-views of unimaginative adult-movies.

[Point finger at camera; then point to heavens]

Death to soulless shopping malls.
Death to substandard poems
Written by pretentious students on the subject of forthcoming death –
About which they shall learn properly, soon enough.
Death to fake-tans and tooth polish. And botox. And collagen. And silicon.
And liposuction.

[Point finger at backdrop; then point to floor]

Death to vapid viral videos about people getting drunk and falling over;
Or transvestites squabbling; or children biting their sibling’s fingers.
Death to Gardener’s World.
Gardener’s World encourages hedonism.
Death to poseurs spending ridiculous amounts of money
On designer clothes, sun-glasses and haircuts;
Nothing will make such people look elegant.

[Wag finger

Death to bad acting in modern film-adaptations of classic novels.
Death to haughty, bland articles in The Evening Standard
Bragging about having the wealth to join The Harbour Club.
Death to haughty, bland articles in The Guardian. Full stop.

[Point finger at camera; then point to heavens]

Death to po-faced conservatives declaiming that the west
Is sleepwalking to communism,
When it is we who will come to dominate the world.
Death to humourless liberals who hear the sound of jackboots marching
Whenever somebody proposes a moderately reactionary policy.
Our tread is the one they should fear.
Death to ambitious individuals
Who berate the vacuity and self-obsession of media commentators,
But jump at the chance to become one themselves
As soon as the chance arrives,
And thenceforth spend their time soireeing around in lame ‘celebrity’ parties,
Looking down their noses at the very people
Amidst whom they once stood proudly.

[Point finger at backdrop; then point to floor]

Death to Quorn.
Death to the term ‘bromance’:
There is nothing wrong with the word ‘friendship’ – of which we disapprove.
Death to people who describe themselves as ‘crazy’,
When what they really mean is ‘extrovert’ and ‘insecure’. 
Death to rock songs which deny that evolution took place,
And do so in a haughty manner.
Death to evolutionists who deny that God created the known universe,
And do so in a haughty manner.

[Wag finger

Death to shorthand text messages.
Short-hand was designed to save time, not waste it,
As people try to decipher the meaning of ‘roflmao’.
Death to laddishness.
‘Roosting a barndoor’ should only ever be a reference to agricultural practices.  
Death to people who say ‘skinny latte’,
When ‘coffee with skimmed milk’ would plainly suffice.
Death to penis enlargement pills. 

[Wag finger

And finally, death to adults who read Harry Potter novels.
They are meant for children – that is why children
Do not consider the characters to be morose, annoying gits;
And do not find the storylines trite and sententious. 

[Point finger at camera]


[Osama fades out via digital wipe. Backdrop: play footage of nuclear bombs exploding over the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Advert by sponsor].”