The View From Hull: Excerpts From ‘The ‘Ull Daily Mail’.

by richardhutton


Apologies and Corrections

The ‘Ull Daily Mail would like to correct the following mistakes printed in yesterday’s edition of The Mail.

· Al Jazeera is the name of a popular television channel, not the author of Sharia Law for Infidels as reported on p. 23 of Monday’s Mail.

· The figures that The Mail quoted in its story ‘Immigrants being secretly farmed in Kent’ were not taken from; they were the result of a cut-and-paste error, and were in fact taken from The Mail’s exposé on battery farming (Monday’s Mail; p. 11).

· The Mail regrets that in its interview with American actor Tom Cruise, Mail journalist Randolf Hutchins remarked that “in England a Public School is a kind of brothel”. The Mail also sincerely apologises for Mr Hutchins’ ill-considered remark about the British monarchy and his reference to “purveyors” (Monday’s Mail; p. 16).

· The Prime Minister’s trip to Brussels this week did not involve a “random candy shop adventure” as claimed by The Mail. The trip to the Belgian confectioners was in fact a diplomatic engagement pre-arranged by several months. The Mail’s allusion to the Prime Minister’s “suspicious handing over of foreign currency to an attractive young woman” was in fact a legitimate purchase of goods from the store. The term “sweet-meat” was also used by The Mail in an entirely inappropriate context (Monday’s Mail; p. 12).

· The Mail withdraws its suggestion that feminism was responsible for witchcraft in the middle ages. It also understands that, in the same article, its attribution of the outbreak of the First World War to the Suffragette movement was without factual basis (both reported on p. 12). 

· In response to several readers’ complaints, The Mail would like to retract its editorial piece ‘Climate change: Government to blame for not investing in teleportation devices’. The Mail accepts that the research of Dr. Horatio Finkelstein has in fact been discredited (Mail Comment p. 24).

· In The Mail reader’s poll ‘Are British Muslims the most Islamic of all Britons? 76% say yes!’ the actual results were as follows: 72% said ‘yes’; 13% said ‘no’; and the remainder called in to abstain (Tuesday’s Mail; p. 11).

· The Mail’s exposé ‘American Government’s secret sado-masochism programme’ contained several inaccuracies. In place of “sado-masochism” The Mail should have said “rendition”; while further on in the article, where The Mail referred to the programme being designed “purely to titillate the voyeuristic public”, we should have said “simply to reassure the general public” (Tuesday’s Mail; p. 19).

 · In our interview with Hazel Blears ‘Politics has returned to normal’: at no point in the interview did the MP “lean suggestively over the glass coffee table”. The Mail also accepts that the term “brooking no dissent” was used in an entirely inappropriate context (Wednesday’s Mail; p. 18).

· The Mail can today confirm that British mountaineer Edmund Hillary did not cross the Himalayas using an elderly Tibetan man in place of a pack mule. The Mail also accepts that its use of the expression “certainly thrashed to well within a quarter of an in inch of his life by Hillary” was not entirely accurate (Wednesday’s Mail; p. 13).

· The Mail story ‘Harry Potter stories encourage vampirism among pre-schoolers’ contained several inaccuracies. The Mail apologises to the author of the popular series and her legal representation. The Mail also apologises for advising parents to provide children with vials of consecrated water as a preventative measure. Furthermore The Mail regrets its publication of a diagram which graphically depicted the efficient use of wooden stakes (Wednesday’s Mail; centre pages and A2 poster supplement).

 · The Chancellor of the Exchequer was not in fact charged with murder yesterday. By ‘charged’ The Mail should have said ‘deliberating’; and by ‘with murder’ The Mail should have said ‘the upcoming fiscal year’. The Mail also retracts its insinuation that the Chancellor’s briefcase “appeared suspiciously heavy as he left 11 Downing Street yesterday morning” (Thursday’s Mail; p. 12).

· The NSPCC does not in fact have a military wing; nor was it involved in the Baader Meinhof movement of the 1960-70’s (Thursday’s Mail; p. 13 and repeated in Mail Comment ‘Children’s charities: what your donations really fund’ on p. 23).

· The Archbishop of Canterbury did not claim that “some aspects of Scientology will inevitably become a part of British law”. It was in fact the American actor Tom Cruise who made a similar claim. The Mail also regrets commenting that “alien abduction is a regular feature of the Archbishop’s notorious sermons”. In a letter to The Mail the Archbishop clarified that “it is in fact resurrection which is a cornerstone of the Christian faith, not interplanetary travel” (Thursday’s Mail, p. 18 and repeated in Mail Comment ‘Rowan William’s evil plan to establish Alien overlords as rulers of Britain’ on p. 24).

· There were several inaccuracies in The Mail’s report on Hull City Council’s ‘Education Inspiration’ initiative. The Mail’s suggestion that the Council’s policy slogan was ‘Use your brains – your delicious brains’ was incorrect (Thursday’s Mail, p. 15 and repeated in Mail Comment ‘Child harvest: how the Council plans to cut catering costs citywide’ on p. 27). In a letter to The Mail the Council confirmed that their actual slogan is ‘Use your talents to create a better city’. The Mail would also like to apologise for its suggestion to the various council members in regard to their own childrens’ well being. 

SportsMail would like to amend the following errors:

The Mail would like to revise its report on the football match between Hull City and Burnley FC at the K.C. Stade de Light last night. Hull City star, George Wallis, was not sent off in the 78th minute. He was left out of the team due to a mysterious stomach upset. Burnley FC striker Melvin Van Der Joor did not score in the 15th minute; it was Hull City defender Melvin Van Der Joor who scored an own goal in the 40th minute. And Hull City did not win the match 3 – 2; they lost it 5 – 1.

● In response to several readers’ complaints, The Mail apologises for and retracts a claim made in Randolf Hutchins’ article ‘Cricket: a Gentleman’s pursuit’ in Tuesday’s SportsMail. Hutchins had contended that “it is a well known fact that cricket was originally a fertility ritual. Elements of this may still be seen in the modern game” (p. 23). This is untrue, The Mail now accepts.

● Friday’s SportsMail claim that ‘Football results favour Liberal teams’ could not in truth be “reasonably surmised” with any real accuracy. The match between Celtic and Rangers to which the article referred did in fact end goalless.

 Like I said, early efforts…